Bald Eagle
by ObeyTheSnarf
Summary: Ed and Al end up in our world, and I meet them. Now they must face a miniature colonel bastard, living in the basement, hentai, the Numa Numa song, the homunculi, and more. Multiple oc pairings. This series is over. Reasons in last two chapters.
1. The Bald Eagle

Well, I decided to make a fma/real life story. Some of these things actually happened (like seeing the bald eagle and finding a baby snake).

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Too bad.

* * *

"When are we going to swim?" whined a brown-haired, brown-eyed teenage girl. 

"Hang on, Harriet. Be patient. We're almost there." replied her mother.

The pontoon boat finally came to a stop in shallower water. Harriet's father lowereed the anchor, and Skyler,  
Harriet's little brother, bellyflopped into the water with Madeleine and Naomi, Harriet's little sisters,  
following closely behind.

"Finally!" exclaimed Harriet, climbing carefully into the water. The coolness of the lake was a welcome relief from sitting in the hot sun.

At the shore, Skyler was flipping over rocks and startled a small snake. It swam lazily across the surface of the water to find a new hiding place.

A large bird soared majestically over the water, looking for prey.

Harriet gasped.

"Wow!"

"Is that a bald eagle?"

"Yeah!"

"Cool! I've never seen one in the wild before!"

"Me neither!"

Suddenly, a large splash caught Harriet's attention. A canoe had just tipped over. She swam into deeper water to investigate.

Just as she realized nobody had come to the surface, Harriet felt cold metal on her ankle and was pulled under...

* * *

Well, what do you think of it so far? Should I continue this? Please review! 


	2. PFDs are ugly

Oooh, 2 reviews! Almost immediately! Ok, I'll write the next chapter...

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, and mommy won't even buy me any FMA dvds or videos! WAAAAAH!

* * *

Harriet looked down at her ankle and saw a metal hand... no, a metal arm! And at the other end of the arm was a blond-haired boy struggling to get to the surface, but failing miserably.

_'OMG it's Edward Elric! What is going on here? Just hang on a moment...'_ she thought. Harriet took off the PFD (personal floatation device, you know, those hideous bright orange things that the boat rental place forces you to wear) she was wearing and shoved it towards Edward. He grabbed ahold of it and started to float up to the surface of the water.

As soon as he got his head out of the water, Ed gasped and coughed up water until he could breathe. Harriet dragged him to the shore.

As Ed regained his senses, Harriet's mind raced a mile a minute.

_'Why is he here? Am I dreaming? WTF? I just freaking saved Edward Elric's butt! Wait till I tell Magi and Sari... What the crap is going on? Am I insane? Where's Al?'_

Suddenly, her last question was answered. A huge suit of armor rose from the lake, shouting for Ed. Oddly, it was wearing a PFD that obviously had not helped much.

"Ed!" it exclaimed happily, finally spotting Edward on the shore. "I told you that you should've worn that stupid orange thing! You almost drowned, brother!"

"Oh, shut up, Al! That orange thing just looks waaay too stupid!" Apparently, Edward was just fine. "Oh! I'm sorry. Thank you for rescuing me. My name's Edward, and this is Alphonse." he said, noticing Harriet.

"Um... you're welcome, Edward. My name's Harriet." she replied, at a loss for other words.

Harriet was dazed. There was an awkward pause.

"Uh, are you ok?" said Ed, breaking her out of her trance.

"Oh, um, yeah." said Harriet, blushing. "Why were'nt you wearing a PFD?"

"A what?"

"One of those orange things."

"Oh." Ed paused a moment, then answered: "Well, when Roy said I should put one on I thought he was just joking and-"

"Wait a minute! Is Roy here too?" gasped Harriet. If Roy was here, that would mean lots of trouble. In the form of crazy fangirls all over him.

"No, he stayed behind while we went on this mission, lazy bastard. Hey, wait a minute! You know Roy?" Ed asked suspiciously.

Harriet sighed. She might as well tell them about the show. "Well, you guys - and Roy - are characters in an anime show called Full Metal Alchemist. If you don't mind me asking, why are you here?"

Al fell over and Ed just stood there looking dumbstruck. "So, we're in a different world? And we're just 'anime show characters' here, whatever that means? Hmm, then that would explain..."

"So, um, how did you get here, then?" Harriet asked again.

"Well, I might as well tell you. It all started when I got back from my last mission..."

* * *

Ok, so there's chapter 2. It's still kind of short like Ed (Ed: WHAT!), but there will be longer chapters in the future.

I want 3 more reviews before I write the next chapter, ok?


	3. The special assignment

I got my 3 reviews. Thanks, guys! (and girls) Keep reviewing! ALWAYS keep reviewing!

Disclaimer: I don't own squat.

* * *

-flashback-

"Ed, I have a special assignment for you," said Roy in his all-too-calm voice.

"But I just got back from my last mission!" objected Ed loudly.

"Well, too bad. You have to go anyways." Roy handed Ed a slip of paper with a name and address on it. "Your mission is to protect this person."

"Why have I been a body gaurd in so many fanfics lately?" inquired Edward.

"Ssssh... Fourth wall," said Roy, pointing towards the reader.

"So, why do I need to protect this person?"

"This person may have some importance to the army later, and the homunculus may have found out. You need to keep them from harming this person at all costs," replied Roy.

There was an awkward silence.

"So, uh, where do I go? The city in this address doesn't seem familiar," asked Ed, confusion spreading across his face.

"Oh, of course, how silly of me," laughed the Flame alchemist, enjoying the confusion. "Follow me."

Ed and Al (sorry, I forgot to give Al lines :P) followed Roy to a hidden door in Roy's office, under the desk. They walked down the stairs.

They finally came to a small room. A hooded figure sat in a chair. On the floor, there was an alchemic circle with what looked like a very small boat (a canoe) in the middle.

"Fullmetal, Al, better put these on. We certainly can't have you drowning on this mission," ordered Roy, smirking as he handed Ed and Al two hideous orange, lumpy-looking vests.

"You're kidding, right? You are definitely kidding," snorted Ed. He pushed away the ugly vest. "Al, why are you wearing that? It's clearly a joke."

"Brother, I think this actually might help. If you fall into some water, how are you gonna get out? Your automail will make you sink all the way to the bottom."

"It's not like we're going to go somewhere where there's water."

Al sighed. Oh well. At least he tried.

"Both of you, get into the canoe." interrupted Roy.

"This is still stupid."

"That was an order, Fullmetal. Now do it."

Ed and Al got into the canoe and the hooded figure got onto the floor. The strange person put their hands on the circle and Ed saw a red light.

"Could it be... the stone?" he said as the room faded from view. Ed passed out.

"Brother! Brother! Wake up! I see water!"

Ed's eye's slowly opened.

"Look! It's a lake!"

Ed sat up. It was definitely a lake. There was water all around. At the edge of the lake he could see trees, and people playing in the water. There were also people in other canoes, and lots of other types of boats, some he could not describe.

"Yes, Al, it's definitely a lake."

Suddenly, they heard a shout. One of the people swimming near the shore pointed at a large brown and white bird. They began to shout at eachother.

"Wow!"

"Is that a bald eagle?"

"Yeah!"

"Cool! I've never seen one in the wild before!"

"Me neither!"

Ed stood up to get a better view, but the boat tipped over and before he knew it, he was under water.

Edward sank to the bottom like a rock. Damn it. Al was right. He knew his only hope was to get to shallower water. He looked towrds the shore. It was hopelessly far away. He would never make it. It was then that he looked up and saw an ankle...

-end flashback-

"...And that's when you saved me," finished Edward.

* * *

So there you have it. Chapter 3. It's short but sweet. Just like Ed.

Ed: Did you just say that?

Me: Of course not.

Ed: Good. Becuase I am NOT short!

Me:-sweatdrop-

Anyways, I want another 5 reviews before I make chapter 4.

Happy reviewing!


	4. Ed, Shirtless Wonder and Naomi the Leech

Well, well, well, welly-well.

I didn't get those reviews, did I now?

Oh well. I felt like writing. :P

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or Spongebob or "my little pony."

I'm not going to push my luck. Before I write the 5th chapter, I just want 1 more stinkin' review. Can you handle that?

* * *

Ed shivered. He was still soaking wet. 

"Your coat is still soaked! Better take it off so you don't get sick," suggested Harriet.

Ed took off the coat. A crowd of fangirls reading the fanfic applauded. Ed was now shirtless.

Harriet blushed. She hadn't even been thinking about the fact taking off the coat would result in a shirtless Ed. She actually _was_ worried he'd get sick. She quickly changed the subject, diverting her attention from the fact that Ed was shirtless.

"So, uh, what does the paper say?"

Ed pulled a soaked scrap of paper out of his pocket. The ink was running, but the writing was still legible. Harriet's eyes widened as she read the words to herself.

"Hey! That's my name and address! But I don't think I have anything to do with the military," she said, stunned. She looked at the canoe, now sinking rapidly (it was made of metal and a bit leaky after Al dented it when trying to hold on). "Your canoe is sinking." _Great, Harriet, point out the obvious._ "Uh, how about you guys get onto the pontoon boat and explain about the bodyguard thing to my parents? They'll understand." _Or think they've gone nuts,_ she thought to herself. "You better put this on so you can swim to the boat without sinking," she said, shoving the PFD at Ed.

"Oh great. This thing again," he protested, but he put it on anyways. "It itches!" complained Ed

"What about me?" questioned Al, scratching his head.

"I think the water around the boat is shallow enough for you to just walk." replied Harriet.

So the the three of them made their way to the boat and got in. Ed sank into a seat. "This is much more comfortable than the canoe!"

He began to explain the situation to Harriet's parents.

Skyler, Madeleine, and Naomi got out of the water.

"Are those those guys from that one show that you watch?" asked Skyler.

"I'm scared." said Madeleine.

"Why is yer wearing that stuff?" asked 4-year-old Naomi, poking Al.

"Yes, Skyler. Madeleine, don't be. And Naomi... What are you doing?" said Harriet, obviously confused.

Naomi was talking to (at, actually) Al about her flip-flops. "I gotted them yesterday. Mommy and me wented to the store and we boughted them."

"Naomi, that was last year, not yesterday," corrected Harriet.

"Yeah. They was Spongebob shoes and we gotted them. Aren't they cute?"

Al just stood there, looking confused.

"Hey, guess what, uh, wus yer name?"

"Al."

"Al, guess what?"

"What is it?"

"I've got Spongebob shoes."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh! I gotted them yesterday!"

"Well, that's great! But, uh..."

"Wus yer name again?"

"Al."

"Oh. Al?"

"Yes?"

"Do you like my Spongebob shoes?"

"Of course."

"I like my little ponies. Sparkleworks is my favrit!"

"Really?"

"Uh huh! Do you like my Spongebob shoes?"

"Yeah."

"Oh! I've got an idea, uh, wus yer name again?"

"Al."

"Let's play my little ponies! I'll be Sparkleworks! You can be Minty!"

"Uh, sure..."

"Neeyeaaah! Come on! Make horse noises, stupid!"

"Brother, help me!"

Harriet slapped herself in the face. _Naomi is such a cute little sister, but she's such a pain! _"Naomi, how about you leave Al alone for a little while?"

"Awwww! I don' wanna!" Naomi proceded to throw a tantrum. She grabbed Al's leg and wouldn't let go.

"Uh..." stammered Al.

Naomi let go and threw a tantrum on the floor of the boat.

"Um, nice talking to you," Al said, walking backwards into Madeleine. Madeleine screamed, scaring the crap out of Al. Not literally, but still, he would if he could...

"I... uh... I'm sorry... Don't be scared! You don't have to be scared of me," said Al, panicking slightly.

Madeleine regained her senses. "Why do you sound like a little kid?"

"Um, well, it's kind of a long story..."

Meanwhile, Ed finally managed to convince Harriet's parents to let them come with them.

He turned around to talk to Harriet.

Naomi chose this moment to be shy. She hid behind Harriet and grabbed her leg. Harriet tried to shake her off.

"Argh! You little leech! What is wrong with you?"

"He's scary!"

"What's your problem? Say hello to nice Ed."

"No! I don' wanna!" She started to violently throw a tantrum, banging her fists on Harriet's leg. And biting. Owch.

"Rrrrrrgh! You little brat!"

Ed stepped back a few feet and let them deal with it themselves.

Ed mumbled under his breath. _This is going to be a long day... and a long mission._

_

* * *

_

So, there you have it. Chapter 4. How'd you like it?

Remember, I want at least **_1_** review, ok? And more is better!


	5. Barfing and Swearing and Shouting

Hey, people!

Thank you so much for the 3 reveiws I got for last chapter.

Maybe we can try doing that again. ;)

But I'm only going to ask for 1 more reveiw, once more.

But the more reveiws, the better. :D

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. But I do own Bacchus and Quozl. They're MY pets, after all. :)

By the way, Bacchus and Quozl are real and so are their ags and the size difference.

Well, without further ado, I give you chapter 5.

-grrr, darn "ruler" thing _should _go here but for some reason it's not working right now. sorry.-

Apparently, Ed does not do boats well. He can tolerate trains and cars, but not boats. Go figure.

For the third time, Ed puked over the side of the pontoon boat. "When are we (urp!) getting out of the (urp!) boat? (urp!)"

"Ed, for Pete's sake, we're barely moving and you're feeding your lunch to the fish... again. This is not exacty an easy boat to get seasick on. I imagine you have to make a concious effort to feel pukish," said Harriet in disgust. Wow, is pukish a word? Well, as Sari would say, yucko. Hmmm... "You're greener than a giant field of grass!"

"That's not (urp!) helping, Harriet!"

Eventually, Harret's parents gave in to all of Edward's whining (and puking. :P It was starting to make everyone  
feel sick just being on the same boat as him!) and drove the boat back to the boat rental place,  
just in time for Ed to puke on the dock.

"Eew, that's gross!" commented Naomi brilliantly, as if she'd made a fascinating discovery.

"I think we all noticed that, Naomi. Just don't step in it. Oh, Naomi! #&$($#!"

Naomi, of course, walked right through the mess. Well, at least she was wearing rain boots, so they couuld easily wash the barf off.

Harriet, having a weak stomach, got so disgusted by all this that she added to the pile. Yucko.

Ed grimaced, but then he laughed. "You're not even ON the boat and you puked! At least I was on the boat, so I have an excuse for puking."

"Shut up. I feel stupid enough already." Yes, she was so grumpy that she said "shut up" to Edward Elric. What are you going to do bout it?

They all walked to the car. Ed claimed he was feeling much better now, and he looked it. Harriet looked a bit pale but said she was fine.

The whole trip home, Skyler and Madeleine whined about the barf smell in the car, Naomi yakked her bonde little head off at Al whle he sat patiently, Ed twiddled his thumbs muttering something about the absurdity of road trips, and Harriet looked out the window, trying not to stare at Ed.

At some point, she fell asleep and started snoring, prompting an elbow in the ribs from Ed. Mercifully, it was his left elbow. She woke up quickly and blushed, then looked out the window again.

At the end of the 45-minute trip, they finally arrived at their destination. Ed yanked the door open and fell flat on his face. He got up, cursing. Naomi burst into song. "(bleeeep!) and (bleeeeep!), (bleepity-bleeeeeep!)! (bleeeeep)! (bleeeeep!)!"

"Naomi, those aren't nice words." scolded Harriet, because her parents had already gone into the house.

But, unfortunately, Ed was laughing. This encouraged Naomi to continue her song.

"(bleeeeeeeeep!), Ed! You're making her sing more!"

Ed just laughed harder.

"(bleeep!) (bleeeeeeep!) (bleee-)" sang Naomi until Harriet covered her mouth, butthen Naomi bit her hand.

"Owww oww ow ow ow ow (bleeep!) ow ow ow!"

Confusion turned into choas as Madeleine and Skyler began to sing along with Naomi, adding their own strings of curses to the mix. Ed laughed so hard he fell over and bumped his head, triggering another line of swear words for Naomi to add to her regular vocabulary.

"I'm going inside. You guys can explain to Mom and Dad what you're doing. I'm done!" exclaimed Harriet. "You are _all _BABIES!"

She stomped into the house, covering her ears.

Ed was the first to quiet down (except, of course, for Al, who never even started making noise). Naomi, no longer being fed by laughter, ended her song, bringing cries of dissapointment from Skyler and Madeleine. They all walked up to the house.

Ed felt stupid, but couldn't admit to himself (or anyone else for that matter) that he _had_ been acting childish.

When Skyler opened the door, Ed's jaw dropped. "What a dump," he said, without thinking. To spare you (and me) of 3 paragraphs of description, let's just say it was a mess.

Harriet's mom gave Ed and Al a tour of the house. Then, she yelled, "Harriet! Where are they going to stay?"

Harriet walked out of her room and grabbed two sleeping bags with pillows from the closet and walked downstairs, into the basement. Ed and Al followed.

"Close the door behind you."

"What's that weird smell?"

"Your roomies."

"What?"

"You'll see."

The three walked into a room lined with bookshelves. In the frot of the room, there was a cage with two furry animals in it. They had sharp teeth and were lunging at the bars of the cage, trying to "get" Ed, or so he thought.

Harriet set down the sleeping bags, and, to Ed's alarm, opened the cage. "Aah! No! They're going to GET me! Noooo!"

"Nonsense. See? The ferrets are perfectly friendly," she said, picking up both furred creatures.

"This is Bacchus and his older brother, Quozl."

Ed nervously patted the head of the smaller ferret. "Um, hi, Bacchus."

It was Harriet's turn to laugh at Ed. "That one's Quozl."

"But you said... um... well, this one's smaller."

"But he's not the only one who's smaller than his younger brother."

Botth Harriet and Al started laughing. Ed reddened. He thought about shouting a certain thing, but decided against it. Naomi might hear.

"Well, um..." Ed thought a moment. "Could I hold Quozl?"

"Sure. Put him on your shoulder," replied Harriet, holding out the smaller ferret.

Ed put Quozl on his right shoulder, eyeing the sharp claws. Quozl walked accross his shoulders to the left shoulder and dug his claws in. _"You're small, but you have sharp claws," _thought Ed, grimacing.

_"Who are you calling small, shorty?"_

_-onc again, the ruler thing doesn't work.-_

So, how was that? A bit longer, huh?

Remember, review!

And have a nice day, while you're at it. :)


	6. The Invitation and The Evil Snake

Hmmm.

I have decided to just update when I feel like it, since that's pretty much what I've been doing.

But reviews are still useful and very much appreciated, so keep reviewing.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, alrighty?

-line thingy isn't working-

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORTER THAN A MIDGET?" shouted Ed.

Harriet looked at him like he had gone completely nuts and he heard Naomi singing upstairs: "Midget, midget, midget, Midget!"

"Brother, nobody said anything," said Al uneasily.

"What! But I heard..."

"It's all in your head."

_"Yeah. Haven't you heard of telepathic powers? Shut up, you idiot!"_

"There it was again! Didn't you hear it?" said Ed desperately.

"I'm afraid not."

"Nope. Me neither, brother."

_"Shut your mouth, fool! I'm talking in your brain! Not that there's much to talk in," _insulted the voice again. _"Talk to me in your head."_

_"Who are you?"_

_"Right here, genious." _The ferret's claws dug deeper into Ed's shoulder.

_"Owch! That hurts! Wait... you're the ferret!"_

_"Brilliant deduction, Einstein. Now I shall scan your puny mind."_

Ed felt a tingling sensation in his head, but then it stopped.

_"Ah, so you have a special assignment to protect Harriet? Interesting."_

_"H-how do you know that, Quozl?"_

_"I read your stupid mind! Gaaah! You are so hard to work with! I have to explain every stupid thing!"  
_

_"I'm not stupid!"_

_"Yes you are, now shut the crap up. Ooooh dear, you've seen a lot, haven't you? But, you're still alive. And mostly sane. I respect you for that. Oh! Does alchemy work here?"  
_

"Oh shit!" In truth, he hadn't thought to test it just to make sure it works yet. He'd been thinking about... Something else.

_"Oh, what's this? You have a little crush on her! How cute!"_

Ed's face flushed deep red. _"What are you talking about? That's absurd!"_

_"Don't play stupid with me. You're smarter than you look, shorty. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't deny it. You cannot deny it. You can't keep any secrets from me. No matter how deep you bury them. Of course, though, I picked that thought right from the top of your head. Oh, don't worry, noone saw you blushing. They went somewhere else. Outside, I believe."_

Ed looked around the room. Quozl was right. It was only Quozl, Bacchus, and himself in the room now.

_"Of course I'm right, you dolt. Now, listen. You have gained my trust. Don't tell anyone else about this. Not even her. Understand?"_

Ed nodded. _"Yes."_

_"I've got a litte invitation for you. How would you like to go to my nightclub tonight and meet all my friends?"_

_"What? Well, I guess so."_

_"Good. We'll wake you up when it's time to go."_

_ "Ok."_

And so the conversation ended. Quozl jumped off of Ed's shoulder, onto a chair, and then onto the floor.

Ed picked up a scrap of paper from the floor. He clapped his hands together and transmuted it into a ribbon. Good. Alchemy does still work. He walked upstairs to find Al and Harriet.

As Quozl said, they were outside and Naomi was showing Al the swing set and explaining it in depth. ("this is a swing! You sit on it and you swing!" "That's nice.") Harriet was looking intently at a messy garden.

"What are you looking for?"

"Ssshhh!"

Harriet suddenly reached out her hand and grabbed something from a plant. She opened her hand to reveal a large insect.

"What is that?"

"A praying mantis."

"Cool."

"Want to hold it?"

"Okay."

"Careful. It bites," warned Harriet.

"It bites!" yelped Ed, dropping the creature.

"Hey! You dropped it!"

"Why do you want to hold a biting insect?"

"Why not? It's not poisonous, it just bites. And praying mantises are awesome!"

"And I suppose you think toads are cool, huh?"

"Yep. They're fun to hold."

"You could get warts by holding one!"

"That's nonsense!"

"It's true!"

"Prove it!"

"Well, uh, I don't have a toad..."

"It can't be proved. It's not a scientific fact. So ha."

"But..."

"In fact, I've held plenty of toads and I don't have a single wart!"

"Okay! Fine! You're right!"

"And?"

"And what?"

"And..."

"Fine. And I'm wrong." He winced.

"Say the whole thing again!"

"No!"

"Say it!"

"No!"

"Stubborn shorty!"

"Grrrr!"

"If you won't say it, then you have to hold my garter snake, Luna!"

"Fine! Then I will!"

"Okay then!"

Harriet went back into the house, and Ed followed, leaving Al looking confused.

They went into Harriet's room. Harriet took the lid off of a large cage. "She's the smaller one. And the crazier one," she said, lifting a hidey hut.

Two snakes were curled up where the hidey hut was. One was blue, and the other one was yellowish and twice the size of the other, but they were still just garter snakes.

"The bigger one is Fluffy, the blue one is Luna."

Ed began to reach into the tank with his left hand.

"Luna bites. Better use your right hand. But be gentle."

"It's just a little snake."

"Okay, but if you're sure..."

Ed grabbed the snake. Luna sprang to life, biting and squirming and pooping all over Ed's arm.

"Owww! Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow owwwww!"

"I told you so. Hold her still so she doesn't hurt herself!"

"So she doesn't hurt who!"

"Fine, you can set her down now."

"She has a different idea..."

Luna had sunk her teeth into Ed's hand and wouldn't let go.

"Just put the rest of her in the cage, and she'll let go."

Ed lowered the psychotic snake into the cage, an she let go of his hand and hid.

"She's more scared than you were."

"I wasn't scared!"

"Suuuure you weren't."

Ed went to the bathroom to wash blood, snake musk, and snake poop off his hand. Harriet put the lid back on the cage.

"THAT is why I don't handle Luna often. Wear gloves next time," she advised.

"Shut up."

-line thingy doesn't work-

After a good dinner, Ed and Al went downstairs and crawled into their sleeping bags. Soon, they were fast asleep.

Ed was at a carnival. Yay, the carnival! But thher was a clown! Oh no! Clowns everywhere! Scratching him with their claws!

"We're gooooing tooo the night club nowww!" they moaned.

Ed woke up with a start. "Aaaaaah! Clowns! Noooo!"

Quozl was clawing his face. _"I'm not even going to ask. Anyways, it's time to go to the night club now."_

_  
"Aww, five more minutes?"_

_  
"No."_

Ed got up and rubbed his eyes. He pulled on his jacket.

_"What time is it?"_

_  
"Time to go."_

_"What time is it really?"_

_"1:00 AM."_

_"WHAT?"_

_"Let's go."_

Bacchus and Quozl led the way out of the house, through the garage. They walked down the driveway, then down the empty street. They went off the road and went through grass, bushes, and eventually, trees.

Finally, they came to a small door. Abve the door was a neon sign that read "The Quo-zone! No skunks or badgers allowed. Humans allowed ony with invitation and escort." on it. Bacchus opened the door.

"After you."

"Hey! You talked!"

"No, really? Yeah, we can talk. So?"

"So, I did all that talking in my head and you could actually talk the whole time!"

"What, was that too much for your LITTLE brain?" sneered Quozl.

"Guys, stop fighting and GO IN!

"Fine." they both said at once.

Quozl walked in on his hind legs, and Ed squeezed through the door on all fours. It was a good thing he was so small, otherwise he might not have made it through the door.

Inside, there was a tall ceiling and Ed was able to stand up. He looked back. Was it just him, or did the door look much bigger now?

Suddenly, a huge furry monster (well, taller than Ed) came up to him and grinned...

-line thingy isn't working-

So, there you have it!  
Chapter 6!

How'd you like it? Suggestions? Questions? Comments? Review!

Ed: No more short jokes! Please!

Me: Don't count on it, shorty.

Ed: Grrrr... :(


	7. Ed the What? and Colonel Quozl?

Hiya folks!  
Hmmm. That sounded wierd.  
Anyways, hello!  
Welcome to chapter seven.  
I'm sorry, but there will be many more short jokes. It is crucial to the plot. ;)

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, or any other companies I might mention in this fanfic that aren't mine.

So,without further ado, I give you chapter seven!

-line thingy isn't working-

The creature began to laugh. "HO HO HO HO HO HO HO! I'm taller than you are!"

"Quozl?"

"Yeah, it's me, and I'm taller than you!"

"Why?"

"Because, shorty, you've been turned into a ferret-boy!"

Ed looked down at his hands. Ah! Paws! He turned to look at his rear, actually more easily than he thought it would be. Sure enough, he had a fluffy tail. His legs were also shorter and his torso was greatly lengthened and more flexible than usual. "Cool! I mean, oh, no!"

"There's a mirror over there," said Quozl, smirking.

Ed looked in the mirror and saw adorable fuzzy ears atop his head. He wiggled them. "Aaaaaaaaah!"

A set of whiskers decorated Ed's face. He twitched them. "Aaaaaaaaaah!"

His eyes finally focused on a small black nose. He twitched that, too. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

He looked himself over in the mirror. He was still wearing his coat and his automail had shrunk with him, but he was also furry all over under the clothes.  
"AAAAAAAA-"

Quozl put his paw over Ed's mouth. "Stop screaming, you moron. You're scaring my customers."

For the first time, Ed looked around the night club. All sorts of creatures were sitting on bar stools or dancing. He saw weasels, ferrets, rats, chipmunks, mice, woodchucks, wolverines, mink, martens, opossums, cats, kittens, and more.

He looked back at his paws. "Why have you turned me into a chimera!"

"You're not a chimera."

"Then what do you call these?" he said, pulling on his ears.

"Ears."

"Why am I a ferret?"

"Oh, I forgot to mention the magic door. It turns human vistors into ferrets. An improvement, I'd say," he added, smirking.

"What! I can't go back like this!"

"The door will turn you human on the way out, Ed."

"That's impossible! There's no such thing as magic!"

A round of laughter echoed through the night club.

"You'd better believe when it's time to go back home, otherwise it won't turn you back. Tee hee!"

Ed stared blankly at the door with a look of horror on his face.

"Well, come sit down and have a drink."

"I'm a minor."

Again, everyone laughed.

"We don't drink alchohol. It's even worse for us than it is for you humans. Here, try a Fur-o-tone martini."

Quozl handed Ed a martini glass filed with an oily liquid. Ed accepted the drink gladly and took a sip.

Mmmm... It tasted like fishy oily sweet goodness. Wait! Why does he like it?

Ed swallowed the sip with an odd look on his face.

"Yup, you're definately a ferret.Did you know that's good for your fur?"

"No, really? I haven't noticed," remarked Ed grupily, his ears flattening out and nose wrinkling.

"Well, now, down to business. So, the homunculi are after Harriet for some reason? Joey saw one, didn't you, Joey?" said Quozl, stepping aside to allow a young squirrel to come through the crowd to Ed.

"I was in the park, and, um, I saw this cross-dressing guy with, like, this stupid spiky green hair like a palmtree. And he was all like, 'I hate this stupid park.' and I was all like in a tree and dropping rocks and stuff on him 'cause he smells and stuff, like, and he was all like, 'Why's there rocks coming out of the tree?' and I was all like laughing and stuff, and yeah."

Ed gritted his teeth. "Envy..."

"I figured as much. Joey, get some others and keep an eye on Envy. Report anything unusual."

"Yes, colonel Quozl sir!"

"Colonel?" asked Ed, bewildered.

"Ths isn't just a night club," said Quozl. "It's also a military base."

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Intermission!

Go do something! Bathroom break! Get a life! Or a drink of water!

Or a tall glass of milk. (the antidote for reading too many fanfics with Edward Elric in them) Goodness knows you need it.

Or you could have a party and invite the pandas living under Roy's desk. You know, the ones in bikinis that dance around a jaccuzi and bring Roy Pepsi in Slinko's fanfics.

But enough about that.

Intermission is over!

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"WHA?"

"Surprised?"

"Well, actually, not really." So that was why Quozl seemed so much like colonel Bastard. I guess colonels think alike.

"Oh? Why is that? Should I read your mind?"

"Um, you just remind me of someone."

"Good enough... Hey! Colonel WHO? Is that really his name?"

"HEY! You read my mind! :( His real name is Roy Mustang."

"Ok, we'll let you know if we see him. Besides, I'd like to have a little chat with him."

Ed nodded. He could just picture Roy and Quozl laughing over his response to being turned into a ferret.

"If we have any information for you, we'll let you know."

"Okay."

"Hey, one more thing. Did Luna really bite you and crap all over your arm?"

"Well, yeah,but-"

"If you talk to her, I'm sure she'll be more gentle in the future."

"So, what do you think of Harriet?" asked a young mink, elbowing Ed roughly in the right shoulder. There was a thunking noise and the foolish mink cried out, clutching his elbow. "Owowowowowowowowowowowow!"

"Serves you right."

"Stuart, I told you. His right arm and left leg are metal. And don't forget it!"

"Yes, sir," said Stuart, massaging his sore elbow. "So, what do you think of Harriet?"

"..."

"Ed and Harriet sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S- urp!"

Ed gave Stuart a look that clearly said "SHUT UP OR I PUNCH YOUR FACE IN."

"Erm... nevermind."

"That's what I thought you said."

Stuart disappeared into the crowd. Ed heard whispers of "They'd be cute together..." and "Really? You don't say!"

He shrugged.

For a while, Ed just talked, but then he was offered another martini. And another... and another... Eventually, he drank so many that he couldn't remember how many he had. Then his favorite song came on. The Numa Numa song!

Immediately, Ed was doing the Numa Numa dance with at least 20 other ferrets.

Before long, Ed was breakdancing with a bucket of fish on his head. Animals were standing around him shouting "Dance! Dance!" and cheering him on. Ed was definately a party animal.

He wasn't actually drunk; it was all in his head.

You cannot get drunk on Fur-o-tone, so don't try it.

Quozl walked up behind Ed.

"It's time to go back," he said, tapping Ed on the left shoulder.

"But why? I'm having so much fun!"

"It's 3:00 AM. Don't you have to sleep? You can't sleep all day like us," he answered sternly.

"Awww... okay."

Bacchus opened the door. "After you."

Quozl walked through. "Now you."

Ed bit his lip and walked through the door. Suddenly, hs butt was stuck in the door.

"Hahahaha! Your butt's stuck!"

"Thank you, captain obvious."

"That's colonel Quozl to you, Fullmetal. And by the way, I was kidding before. The door works whether you believe or not."

"It figures. You ARE exactly like Roy."

"And don't you forget it. That's an order."

"You're not my boss."

"Yes I am. Harriet is my concern, so you should do what I say."

"What makes Harriet YOUR concern, anyways?"

"She's my friend. Is that not reason enough?"

"Whatever." In truth, he was actually too tired to argue with someone so similar to colonel bastard.

Quozl smirked. Now that Ed thought about it, the smirk was furry but very Roy-ish. "Come on. Time to go to bed, sleepy-head."

They walked home drowsily. They walked through trees, bushes, grass, and eventually onto the empty street. They walked through the garage, through the laundry room, and into the basement room with the sleeping bags and cage.

Ed collapsed onto the sleeping bag and slept.

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Ed woke up to excited yelling.

"Who is making all that NOISE up there!" he grumped.  
He looked around. Al wasn't there. He must've gotten up early. Bacchus and colonel Quozl were asleep.

"Guess what, Ed?" The door to the basement burst open and Harriet ran down the stairs and fell flat on her face.

"Holy crap, are you ok?" Ed asked, helping her up.

Harriet calmed down a lot.

"Dammit, stupid stairs..." she grumbled, rubbing her face.

"Well, you RAN down the stairs! What did you expect?"

"Um... well, anyways, guess what?"

"You fell flat on your face?"

"Well, I did, but anyways, Fluffy had babies!"

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So, that was chapter 7.

Wow! All those reviews I got the other day almost knocked me flat! Keep reviewing, everyone!  



	8. When Friends Attack

Hello, people!

Yay, so many reviews! Keep going!

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Get used to it. And if you are reading this disclaimer you seriously need to get a life.

So, without further ado, may I present to you: chapter 8.

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"Fluffy's that big garter snake, right?" asked Ed, surprised.

"Yeah!"

"I thought snakes laid eggs."

"Most do. Garter snakes are an exception."

"So, um, how many are there?" he asked, expecting an answer of 4 or 5, maybe even just one.

"Fifty."

"FIFTY?"

"That's what I said, isn't it? Here it is again: fifty."

"Holy crap! You can't be serious!"

"But I am. There ARE fifty, and if you go see it yourself will you stop asking? Al already saw them, though. He's outside being instructed on the use of a swing set by Naomi again. By the way, have I shown you my fish yet?"

"Sure, I'll have to see this and no, you haven't."

They went to Harriet's room and they both peered into the huge cage. Ed saw heaps of tiny snakes crawling around the cage.

"Wow! There must be at least 30 of them in there!"

"There are fifty. Did you forget?"

"Well, um..."

"Anyways, aren't they so cute?"

"Kind of. They're not as cute as-" he said, stopping himself mid-sentence.

"Not as cute as what?"

"Nevermind." He heard Quozl's silent laughter in his head, mocking him, teasing him. His eyes wandered around the room. Last time he was in here, he didn't really get to look around much, but this time was different. He finally spotted several fish tanks. "Are those your fish?"

"Yeah."

He went up to the biggest tank and pointed at two unusual-looking fish with strange colors. "What kind of fish are those?"

"Blue rams. They're a kind of cichlid. Those two are a pair, and sometimes they lay eggs."

"Do they have names?"

"Um, yeah. That one's Roy and that's Riza."

Ed was silent for a moment, thinking, but then he burst out laughing.

Harriet was slightly confused. "Why are you laughing?"

"Roy certainly wishes that was how Riza is with him!"

"Uh, yeah, about the names, I named them before I started watching the show. Magi and Sari were always going on about Roy and Riza, and I couldn't think of any better names."

"Ah," said Ed like he actually knew what was going on. But he wasn't paying much attention, actually.

Just then, the phone rang and Harriet's mom picked it up. "Harriet! It's for you!"

"Ok! Coming!"

Harriet picked up the cordless phone and turned it on. "Hello?"

_"Hello!"_

"Hi!"

_"Hullo!"_

"Hiya!"

_"Hi!"_

"Hi! So, what's up, Sari?"

_"Oh, yeah, that. Um... Well... Oh yes! Shari's here. Can you come here too?"_

"Hang on, let me ask my mom. Mom! Can I go to Magi and Sari's house?"

"Sure!"

"I can go!"

_"Yes!"_

"Oh, and can I bring two friends?"

_"Sure, Harriet!"_

"Well, seeya!"

_"Bye!"_

Harriet turned off the phone. "Ed, get ready to leave. We're going to Magi and Sari's house."

Ed nodded and went downstairs to find his boots and coat.

Harriet went outside to rescue-erm, find Al.

The three of them met at the front door.

Ed looked confused for a moment, then asked "Aren't we taking the car?"

"No, silly, we're walking. Their house really isn't all that far."

So, they walked to Magi and Sari's house. Upon arrival, a strange, short blonde girl jumped out out of the bushes.

"Blargles!" she belted.

Ed and Al practically jumped out of their pants (did you know Ed wears purple boxers :P), but Harriet calmly said "Hi, Sari."

Sari looked quizzedly at Ed and Al. "Why are they dressed like Ed and Al? Did they miss a convention or something?"

"I'll tell you when we're inside," said Harriet, motioning to Ed and Al to follow her in.

Once inside, Harriet took a deep breath. This would not be easy. "Sari," she began, "These guys ARE Ed and Al."

A nutty grin spread across Sari's face.

Harriet counted down in her head. _3... 2... 1..._

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Omygawshyou'relikeEdandAlomygawdEdyouaresoshortdrinksomemilkorsomethingmygawdRoyiswaycoolerthanyouomygawshwhere'sRoy

takemetohimnoworelseIlikedrewasmokingEdwardclausfairyanditlookedstupidomygawshblarglespickledbisciutbleeeeeaaah!" said Sari, running around the poor defenseless Elrics.

Magi was broken out of her computer trance by the noise and came out of the computer room with Shari (not Sari, Shari) close behind.

She at once began to roll around on the floor, kissing Ed's and Al's feet saying "Omygawd! Omygawd! Omygawd!" with an insane tone to her voice that scared the crap out of both Elrics. But of course, not really. We can't have Edward pooping in his pants, can we? No no no. :)

Shari just stood there and said "Oh, are you those guys from that show that Harriet watches? Edward, she l-"

Harriet put her hand over Shari's mouth. "This is Shari, guys. Sari, what the crap are you doing?"

Sari was poking Edward's right arm. "Teeheeheeheehee!" she laughed in her laugh that she only makes when she pokes something. "He's fun to poke! And look! He changes colors, too!"

It was true. At this point, Ed was almost beet red. Then Sari said the smartest thing in the world, still poking Edward.

"Ooooooh, the elf has now turned red!"

Ed could not take any more. In fact, he turned purple, he was so mad. He lunged at Sari with his wrist blade thingy.

Sari took out her trusty rubber chicken sword and-

"Wrong fanfic, Harriet. That didn't happen," said Magi sensibly.

Awww, ok. There was no attacking or rubber chicken sword :(. But, Ed DID turn purple. :) Yaaaaay Ed turning purple! (:D)

"Well, anyways," continued Harriet, "These are my f-"

Sari began to pull Ed's braid.

"-People I know," finished Harriet, giving Sari the evil eyeball. "Magi, Sari, why are you bothering them? You're not obsessed with them, you're obsessed with Roy!"

"Quite right," said Sari with a British accent, stepping away from the befuddled Elrics.

"Whatever," said Magi, getting off the floor.

"Hey, let's watch episodes of FMA on Youtube!" said Sari randomly.

"Can't argue with that," said Harriet, shrugging.

"What does FMA stand for?" asked Ed.

"It stands for Full Metal Alchemist."

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Well, that was chapter 8!

Did you like it?

Questions? Comments? Even flames? Review!

-Sneak peek for next chapter!-

Flames will be given to Roy in the next chapter. He needs them more than I do. ;) Yes, next chapter, you see your beloved Mustang! (Roy fangirls scream with anticipation somewhere)

Ed will also be tricked into eating a dairy product next chapter. And he will be told what it was made from. :D lol.

Ed: Why me?

Me: Why not?

Ed: ...

Stay tuned for more of your favorite shorty and me!

Ed. !


	9. Dress Up and Roy?

Hi, people!

The reviews have just been pouring in lately! Changing the summary was a good idea!

Keep reviewing! I will try to continue to write review-worthy material.

Disclaimer: Hmmm, I'm running out of funny ideas for this part. Oh, I know! Flarfle nargles! Well anyways, I don't own FMA.

I might as well let you know that all the characters so far that are not FMA characters (except for Joey the squirrel and Stuart the mink) are real people. I actually asked them what they would do if they met FMA characters and based their parts on their replies, though I actually didn't quite get a clear answer from my ferrets, so I improvised. They seem to be happy with the story anyways.

Also, a lot of the stuff we do in the fanfic is stuff we really did, minus any FMA characters and resulting craziness.

So, here ya go everyone, chapter 9.

-line thingy isn't working. Sari blames Gaara from Naruto, but I don't agree.-

"Are you serious? But that's my title!"

"You ARE the main character in it, after all."

"Is that a good thing?"

Harriet paused for a moment. "Well, it means a lot of bad stuff happens to you but you don't die yet with a show this morbid. It's a mixed blessing."

"Oh."

The opening theme song started up. Harriet realized she was singing along and shut up quickly.

"This is weird," commented Ed.

"Ssssh! It's starting!"

They all watched episode 1 all the way through. Ed was seriously creeped out. He knew those things had actually happened to him.

They decided that was enough watching FMA for the moment and went out of the computer room, but Ed was still freaked out.

Sari snapped her fingers and grinned. "I know just the thing to cheer you up! Want some ice cream, everybody?"

Everybody did, except Al, who of course could not eat ice cream.

Sari came out of the kitchen loaded with five bowls of ice cream. She set them on the table. "Al, while we eat you can play with Smoky and Muffin.

The aforementioned cats walked out from behind the sofa. Al was overjoyed. "Look, brother! They have cats!"

"Really, you don't say," said Ed sarcastically, shoving a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

After they all finished their ice cream, Harriet piped up, "Sari has something to tell you."

Ed looked up from his empty bowl. "What is it?"

Sari smirked. "Did you know the main ingredient in ice cream is... milk?"

"NOOOOO!" screamed Ed, stupid horror movie music screeching in the background.

Actually, that never happened.

Ed sat calmly at the table and said, "I know. Milk is all right processed, just not by itself. For example, cheese is very delicious."

Sari looked dissappointed. Her brilliant plan to make Ed puke had failed.

After putting the dishes in the sink, everyone was bored, except for Al, off somewhere else playing with the cats.

"Hey, how about we wear all those costumes you guys have upstairs? That would be fun," said Harriet.

Noone could think of a better idea, so they all went upstairs to search through the costumes.

Harriet found a spiky green wig-type thingy, a black skort, and a black tank top she grinned and went to the bathroom to change.

Sari pulled out her Roy Mustang costume, gloves, butt skirt and all and took it into a different bathroom to change.

Magi uncovered a witch costume and pulled it out. She shrugged.

Ed found a very interesting costume.

After they all changed, Harriet was dressed like Envy, the cross-dressing palm tree, Sari looked like Riza Hawkeye with gloves, and Magi looked like a witch. Ed was dressed as... drum roll please... The Easter bunny! Tada!

"Ed, that is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life," giggled Harriet.

"You don't look so great yourself, cross-dressing palmtree."

"Yup, that's me, the gender-confused cross-dressing palmtree," laughed Harriet, primping the fake hair. "Sari, did you dress as Riza?"

"No! I'm Roy, dammit!"

"Whatever, Riza. Magi, what's with the witch clothes?"

"I dressed as a goth."

This brought a round of laughter out of everyone, including Ed, who actually didn't know what the crap was going on. Oh well.

"Hey, Easter Ed, I dare you to go outside like that."

"Well, palm tree head, I dare you to go outside like THAT."

"Magi, Sari, you're going outside, too."

So, all five of them went outside. Al was just fine playing with the cats, so they didn't bother him.

Luckily for them, none of the neighbors were outside at the time. Noone was more grateful for this simple fact than Ed.

Sari smirked a Roy-ish smirk. "Ed, that costume makes you look even shorter than usual."

"WHOAREYOUCALLINGSHORTERTHANTHEEASTERBUNNY?"

"You, shorty."

"!"

"Whoa, guys, stop before you rip eachother apart!"

"Wait, what's going on?" asked Magi, obviously distracted.

"Magi, you're so easily distracted!"

"Hey! I'm not easily distra- Hey a duck!"

Harriet chose to ignore that last comment.

"So, weren't you talking to m- Hey Roy Mustang!"

Ed looked where the duck had been. Sure enough, there was Roy, sitting in the stream smirking. "Fullmetal, you look shorter that way."

Noticing the fact that Roy's gloves were wet, Magi and Sari immediately glomped him, then tied him up with a cowboy rope. Roy fainted.

Magi and Sari dragged the limp Roy up to their room and tied him to a chair.

"Yoink," snickered Sari, snatching Roy's gloves and putting fake ones on his hands. She then put on Roy's gloves.  
It was then that the doorbell rang. It was then that Sari remembered she had invited over Julia, devoted and crazy Roy fangirl.

Bum bum BUM!

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Well, that chapter was a little shorter than the last, but the next chapter will be longer I promise.

Julia is the type of fangirl who would take advantage of Roy tied to a chair, so you know. But it's not going that far.

Lyemi, wow. That was quite a review you wrote there. The word-thingys are from Naruto, right?  
I will never understand how you remember all those jutsu-thingys. Oo Thanks for the review though. I'm glad I gave you something to go nuts over.

So, review. The Easter-Ed wants you to.

Ed: How could you do this to me?

Me: How could I NOT do that to you? I've always wanted to put you in a Easter-bunny suit. Okay not really it randomly popped into my head when I was writing this.

Ed: l:(

Me: (pokes Ed)

Ed: (grumbles)

Me: (kisses Ed)

Ed: (stops grumbling and turns red)

Me: Um, yeah, you see, that didn't happen just now.

Ed: (still red)

Damn compulsions. My friends are totally going to flame me now. :(


	10. The VERY Short Battle and Purple Boxers

Hello, everybody!

I am no longer grounded from "da compy." Thank you Sari for writing that review to explain.

I just looked up Ed's height, and what do you know, we're both the same height! Freaky, huh?

Ed: I'll say.

Me: ;)

Ed: OO

Disclaimer: Yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah, I don't own FMA...

Yay for reviews! I'm swimming in them! More! MORE!

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Sari shoved Roy into a closet and Shari followed him in to untie him, closing the door behind her.

Sari sighed. Buut wait! Julia would still freak out when she saw Ed and Al! Well, not as M-rated as her reaction to Roy tied to a chair. Oo.

Magi opened the door and let Julia inside. Julia immediately took notice of Ed and Al and was about to glomp them, but then she sniffed and ran upstairs.

On the way into Magi and Sari's room, Julia bumped into Roy. She sniffed the air and scowled.

"Hey, Envy, you're not Roy!" she said, and promptly shut herself in the closet Roy had been in.

So you know, Julia is a total nut job when it comes to Roy Mustang.

Roy's usual sneer turned into a look of surprise, but then went back to the sneer.

Wait, does Roy sneer constantly? Who do we know that's always sneering? Hmmm.

Roy walked downstairs to go outside.

Meanwhile, Harriet was telling Ed about Julia's Roy obsession.

"I tell you, she is a nut job!" insisted Harriet.

"Whatever."

Roy stepped out and sneered at them. "Heh heh heh..."

Bum bum BUM!

Ed frowned. "What are YOU doing here?"

"What are you talking about? It's me, Roy."

"I didn't say you were someone else. Yet. But you are."

Harriet looked from Ed to Roy, and then back to Ed. "Am I missing something here?"

"Stupid little girl. At least the _runt_ knows who I am. And the nutcase running up the stairs."

Roy suddenly changed into a palm tree. No, wait, Envy. But same difference.

Ed did the obvious thing: He turned purple and freaked out.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A RUNT SO TINY YOU STEP ON HIM?" he spazzed, waving his arms around making strange gestures.

"You. Now, what the crap are you wearing?"

Edward looked down at the bunny suit he was still wearing. Suddenly, Magi and Sari ran out of the house. They had seen Envy through the window and were thoroughly freaked out.

Ed knew he would have to fight. He weighed his choices in his head.

He could fight in the bunny suit. But that would restrict movement and make him look like an idiot in front of the girls.

He could fight in his underwear. That would just make him look like an idiot in front of the girls.

"Oh well. Here goes." Ed took off the bunny suit and was left standing in his purple boxer shorts, mentioned back in chapter 8.

Harriet, Magi, and Sari began to giggle uncontrollably.

"Interesting color choice, shrimp," commented Envy.

"Shut up and fight, you moron." Ed clapped his hands and put them on the ground. A spike came up through the ground underneath Envy.

Envy easily dodged it and jumped into the air to attack Ed.

The three girls held their breaths as Envy seemed to fall in slow motion towards Ed, still ducked to the ground.

Envy snickered and grabbed Ed by the neck. "Puny human! You can't defeat me! Muahahahaha!"

Harriet, without thinking, put her hands on the ground.

To everyone's surprise, the ground reached up and pulled Envy into itself most of the way. Envy let go of Edward in shock.

"But you didn't put your hands on the ground, shrimpy. How-" Envy's eyes narrowed to slits and he looked at Harriet. "I see..." He then changed into a water snake and escaped into the stream, eager to pass on this interesting tidbit of information.

"Dammit, he got away!"

Harriet was staring at her hands._ WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?_

"WTF! You just freaking used alchemy! How the fuck did you use alchemy?" shouted Ed.

Harriet just kept staring wide-eyed at her hands. Ed waved his hand in front of her face. "Hello? You awake? Yoohoo! How the crap did you do that? I didn't see a transmutation circle, and you don't have automail!"

"I... don't... know..."

Ed gasped. "Oh snap! Envy knows now! Which means all the homunculi know! Shitshishitshitshitshit!"

Sari looked thoughtful for a moment. "I like owls." Everybody looked at her.

"'I like owls?' That's all you have to say about this?" said Harriet, shaking her head and looking up from her hands.

"Blargles!"

"Wait, but if that was Envy, where are Shari, Julia, and Roy?"

They all ran upstairs and opened the closet door.

They all managed to catch a glimpse of what they thought was Riza with a gun pointed at Julia's head, but they decided they were just seeing things.

In the closet, Roy was still tied to a chair and Julia was huddled in a corner, mumbling something about Riza's gun.

Magi beat the rest of them to the question. "But where's Shari?"

-line thingy still doesn't work-

So, yeah. It's a bit short like Ed (Ed: SHUT UP!), but the next chapter will be longer.

By the time I'm finished with this story, it will be more like a short novel.

And there will be a sequel. So keep reading and reviewing! o


	11. Al actually does something!

'Lo 'gain, 'vr'yone. Lol. 

I thought I would let Al have a larger role in most of this chapter. And turn him into a ferret.

Now you Al fans have something to rant about. :)

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. But Ed is sooooo hot!

-$$$ lines!-

"Maybe Shari was Envy in disguise," suggested Ed.

"Maybe we should call her house to find out," said Harriet.

Se went and got the phone and dialed Shari's phone number. Shari's Mom answered.

_"Hello?"_

"Hi, This is Harriet! Can I talk to Shari?"

_"Sure, just a minute- SHARI! IT'S HARRIET ON THE PHONE!"_

_"----Hello?"_

"Hi Shari! Were you at Magi and Sari's house today?"

_"Magi and Sari's house? Nope."_

"Are you sure?"

_"Um, yeah..."_

"Well, watch out for strange palmtrees!"

_"What? He's not _here, _is he?"_

"I'm afraid so."

_ "You're kidding. Can't you wait till April?"_

"I'm not kidding! So watch out!"

_"Whatever. Bye."_

"Bye." Harriet turned off the phone. "She doesn't beleive me, but she wasn't here, that's for sure."

Meanwhile, in the living room, Al had just finished a conversation with Smoky and Muffin. Now he just had to wait.

Ed, Al, and Harriet went back to Harriet's house, and Julia got a ride home. She is not particularly important in this story however, just when I need someone to spazz out about Roy.

Magi and Sari began to set up the couch bed in their basement for Roy. With some reluctance, Sari gave Roy his gloves back. They did not even _try_ to seduce him. Sorry, CrystalAlchemist59007. They didn't. Nope. That would probably mean a change of rating. And I don't want that. Magi and Sari are also just not the type of people to do that, anyways. And they would flame my sorry butt. But now you know the reason I made Julia leave (if it weren't for Riza, the closet thing would hve gone out of control). But Magi did overlook a camera Julia hid.

"I did NOT!" said Magi.

You damn well did, Magi. So there. I'm the author and what I say goes. Hmmmph!

Later that night in the basement, Al tossed and turned. But then Ed started swearing about all the noise, so he did his best to sit still, but he couldn't get to sleep. Just then, something tapped on his forehead.

_"Hey Al, wake up!"_

Al sat up. _"Huh? Oh, hi, Colonel Quozl!"_

_ "Those damn show-offish cats told you more than I expected. Well, follow Bacchus. I'll be with you in a moment."_

_"'K."_

Al followed Bacchus out through the garage and onto the street.They went off the road and went through grass, bushes, and eventually, trees.

Finally, they came to a small door. Abve the door was a neon sign that read "The Quo-zone! No skunks or badgers allowed. Humans allowed ony with invitation and escort." on it. Bacchus opened the door. "After you," he said, gesturing towards the opening.

"Hey, you're talking! Anyways, will I fit?"

_  
_"Of course you will. Go inside!" said Bacchus, becoming more insistant.

Al went through the door. It was a tight fit, but he made it through. He looked back at the doorIt seemed much larger than before...

Bacchus walked through the door. Al gasped. "You grew! You're as tall as I am!"

"Wrong, kiddo. You shrank," said Bacchus, smirking gleefully.

"Oh." Al's butt was itchy. He scratched it. "Hey! I have a tail! Cool!"

"Care for a mirror?" asked Bacchus, motioning towards the same mirror Ed used in chapter 7. Strangely, Al was overjoyed by what he saw: a blonde ferret wearing a loincloth.

"Hey! I have a body!" he yelled gleefully. "I have a body! I have a body! I have a body! And I was itchy! I have  
a body! And I was itchy! WooooooHOOOO!"

Amid his happy yells, Al did not notice Quozl come in with Muffin, Smoky, and a very strange-looking ferret wearing a military uniform. Quozl got behind Al and tapped his shoulder. "I see you're taking this well," he laughed.

"Hey Colonel Quozl! Guess what? I HAVE A BODY! WOOOOOT!"

"Calm down, Alphonse. Remember, we have a reason for bringing you here."

"What reason is that?" asked Al, staring intenty at his reflection, obviosly thrilled.

"We've found Envy. He's been hiding at South Park (btw a real place near here) and disguising himself as a squirrel. The real squirrels alerted me when they thought that one of their kind had gone 'nuts.' We had to tell you because Ed has had something else on his mind and has been ignoring me. Well, Alphonse, I'm going to have a little chat with Ed's employer now. You go have fun."

"Is... is that Roy?" He pointed at the strange-looking ferret.

"None other," said Roy, smirking.

"Wow. This is sooo wierd."

Smoky and Muffin waved at Al from the bar. "Hey Al, come have a drink!"

"Non-alcoholic, right?"

"Yup. Hey, Ladybug, gimme an anchovy milkshake!" mewed Smoky.

"I'll have a double-cream-yumma-dum Furotone blast!" said Muffin.

"Just please give me something that tastes good, ok?"

Ladybug handed out the beverages. "One anchovy milkshake, one double-cream-yumma-dum Furotone blast, and one Furotone martini."

"Hey, ths is really goood!" said Al, gulping his drink. "Another, please!"

Before long, Al was convinced he was drunk, though the drinks had no alcohol.

Al began to breakdance with a bucket of squid on his head, but then it was time to go.

"Out the door, Al. Roy already left. It's almost dawn," said Quozl.

"Aw, man!" said Al, but he walked out the door.

"Hey, Al, your butt's stuck," said Quozl.

But Al was too amazed to reply. He realized he was human. And wearing nothing but his loincloth.

-line things will never freaking work!-

So, there you have it, Al has become human!

Stay tuned! Keep reviewing!

Ed: I've only had one stinking line all chapter! And no non-stinking lines!


	12. Magi's Pants

Hi again! 

I'm up to 50, yes 50, reviews! And I owe it all to my reviewers! You guys are the bestest!

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Not even a FMA DVD or video. Grrr!

So now I give you chapter twelve!

-grrrrr... When will they fix the line things?-

As Al attempted to remove his rear from the tiny door, Quozl, still inside, tried to stifle a laugh.

"You know, Al, Roy Mustang got his butt stuck too. And so did your brother. It's just part of the magic of the door, and you should be able to get unstuck fairly easily."

"Brother was here?" asked Al, finally getting his posterior through the door.

"He was. You should've seen the stink he raised when he turned into a ferret. He was all like 'AAAAAAH!' over and over and over again. Very tiring, really," chuckled Quozl.

"That's silly. Wait... How can I walk home in _this? _" said Al, looking down at his loincloth and bare feet.

"I'll take you as far as the street, then you're on your own getting home."

So they walked through the woodsy area again and got back out onto the empty street. However, it was almost dawn, so people were starting to wake up and look out the window. Al panicked and hid behind a bush, face flushing beet red.

"What can I do now?" he asked nobody in particular. Just then, Maggi and Sari peeked over the bush.

"Omygosh who are you?" asked both girls at the sametime.

"Um, it's me, Al," said Al, turning redder.

"OmygawshAlyou'rehumanandwowyourlikehumanandstuffandwow!"

Both Magi and Sari suddenly glomped Al. This was very awkward for Al.

"Um, ladies, I'm kind of not wearing any pants," he said in a tiny voice.

Both girls retreated quickly.

"Oh! Wait, I can fix that!" said Magi, taking off a backpack and rummaging through it. "At last!" she said, pulling out a pair of pants. "Wear these."

Al pulled on the pants. "Just out of curiosity, why did you have a pair of pants in your backpack?"

"I guess they were still in there from the last time we went camping. They're clean, though."

"Wait a moment... just whose pants are these?" asked Al.

There was an awkward pause.

"They're my pants," said Magi.

Al was understandably freaked out that he was wearing a girl's pants. However, he decided that it was better than not wearing any pants at all. But Magi was secretly happy Al was wearing _her_ pants. But she did not say so. No no no.

"So, um, why are you two out here anyways?" he asked, changing the subject.

"We're looking for Smoky and Muffin. I hope they didn't get drunk at Quozl's nightclub again. So, why are _you_ out here?"

"Um..."

"Wait! Don't tell me! You went to Quozl's nightclub and the door turned you into a human on the way out!"

"How'd you know?" asked Al, surprised.

"We've been there, too," said Sari.

"Now let's take you back to Harriet's house before they wake up and notice you're gone," said Magi.

They all said their goodbyes and Al walked in through the garage and into the basement room. He got into his sleeping bag and quickly fell asleep.

-line things. That's all I'm asking for, ok?-

Edward sat up in his sleeping bag and rubbed his eyes. "Mrflenerflebleah..." He yawned. "Morning, Al. Al?" he said, looking over at his brother's sleeping bag. There was a boy about 14 years old snoozing inside it. Ed was confused for a moment, but then Quozl explained things in his head. "Al!"

Al woke up and stretched. "What time is it?"

"Al! You're a human now! Omygosh! This is great!"

Al looked down at himself. "So it wasn't a dream!"

Both Elrics got up and did the happy dance. It was then that Harriet came down the stairs.

"What's all the noise for?" she asked groggily. Then she looked at Al and her eyes widened. "Al! You're a human!"

Al nodded.

"But why are you wearing Magi's pants?"

-darn those line things!-

So, that was chapter twelve.

Al is wearing Magi's pants. Lol.

Anyways, please R & R. Always do that. Please?

Al: I'm wearing Magi's pants?

Me: I think we already established that to be true.

Al:...

Ed: Don't look so pissed, Al. You know you like her!

Al: No, you just wish _you_ were wearing _Harriet's_ pants.

Ed:...

Me: Oooh, Ed, you just got zapped!


	13. Al is NOT wearing underwear today!

Hiya, peoples!

Magi, I did not say you like camping, I just mentioned that you went camping at some earlier time.

Disclaimer: FMA? I don't own that. But who cares? Oh yes. Lawyers do. Right?

So here ya go, chapter thirteen. Oooo. 13. Creeepy. Lol but I'm not superstitious.

-darnit lines!-

"Nevermind, I don't want to know," said Harriet.

Al's face purpled. "It's not like that, I swear," he said.

"He's telling the truth," said Quozl.

To Ed's and Al's surprise, Harriet was not in the least bit surprised to hear a ferret talk.

"Quozl, you took him to your nightclub, didn't you?" scolded Harriet. "And you didn't tell me!"

"Well, you should've seen _Ed_! He was a hoot!" continued Quozl. "And you should've seen the look on Al's face when he turned into a human! Priceless, I tell you! Priceless!"

"You took Edward there, too? Are you out of your mind?" yelled Harriet.

"Fine, I'll spill the rest. I brought Roy, too, so I could discuss a few things with him. He was surprised at how alike our armies are. Oh, and we've found Envy's hiding place. But we'll take care of it. You guys should go school shopping and get some clothes and supplies. Especially clothes," he added, looking at Al, who still was wearing only Magi's pants.

Ed lent Al one of his shirts, but it didn't fit him very well. It was a bit too small. Harriet called a few friends.

"Brigett is the only one of my friends that actually seems to have fashion sense. She should be able to help us pick out clothes that don't look ghastly."

-line-

Roy just stood there and watched.

"Hey, Brigett, how does this shirt look?" asked Ed, holding up a very ugly t-shirt.

"Don't even bother trying that on. It looks terrible," replied Brigett. "Try this one." She held out a much nicer-looking t-shirt.

Brigett returned to helping Al chose a pair of pants.

"Look, those are girls pants. Over here are the boys pants."

"I don't see the difference."

"Believe me, there _is_ a difference."

Meanwhile, Magi, Sari, Shari (the real one), and Harriet were trying on some clothes Brigett recommended. When they had chosen the clothing they wanted, Al and Ed were still trying to chose clothes to try on and Brigett was trying to talk some fashion sense into them.

"Nononononono! Rainbow-colored is NOT good! That thing clashes with _itself_!"

"But I like it," whined Edward, making a pouty face.

-linethingy-

An hour later, Ed and Al FINALLY started to try on some clothes.

ALL of the clothes Brigett picked out for Al fit perfectly and even matched. Go figure.

Despite his anger at being forced to wear clothes marked 'small,' Ed tried on everything. A few things fit, which was enough. The final set of clothes he tried on was a huge t-shirt and a pair of those big baggy jeans that fall down to your ankles. His pair of purple boxers was, of course, clearly visible.

"Ed, how long have you been wearing those?" asked Sari.

"Hmmm, let me think..."

"Nevermind. You need new underwear," said Harriet.

"Hey! Al's not wearing underwear today!" yelled Sari in Magi's ear.

"Aaaallll... is NOT wearing underwear today! No he's NOT wearing underwear today! Not that you really care much about Al's underwear but still I've got to saaaaay: Al's not wearing underwear todaaaaaaaay!" sang Magi and Sari, dancing in a circle around Al.

"I trust you can pick out underpants all by yourselves, guys," said Brigett.

They were pretty sure they could. Ed and Al went over to the boys undergaments rack. Ed returned quickly holding up a package of underwear and grinning. It was Full Metal Alchemist underwear. (I don't know if there actually _is_ Full Metal Alchemist underwear. If you know, please tell me. I want some. :P) Harriet gave it a skeptical look.

"You don't have to show us. And are you sure you want to wear underwear with your face on it?" she asked.

Ed frowned. This had not occured to him. "Oh." He went back to the underwear rack. He and Al picked out some different underwear.

They all went to the checkout line and bought the clothes. Then they went shopping for school supplies. And that was boring so we can just skip that. Then they walked to the mall food court to have lunch. But that was boring, too. Then Brigett's mom picked them up and took them all to Shari's house, except for Brigett. She went home.

At Shari's house, Shari started to take sleeping bags out of a closet.

"What's going on?" inquired Edward.

"Didn't I tell you?" asked Harriet.

Ed shook his head.

"Oh. Well, Shari is having a slumber party, and we all were invited."

-grrrrrrrr... the line things are still mysteriously missing. Will they EVER fix them?-

So that was chapter thirteen. So yeah.

R & R, please.

Al: What was with the underwear thing?

Me: Go to Youtube and look up "Al commando style."

Al: -Watches amv- Oh lord. (blinks) Not good.

Ed: This is HILARIOUS!

Me: Now look up "Ed commando style."

Ed: -Watches amv- Noooooo! These people have no life!

Me: Now look up "Ed the Scotsman."

Ed: -Watches amv- Gaaak! (projectile-vomits)

Me: Heheheheheh...

Thanks for reading the chapter! Now I must put the Edward-puke in a bag and sell it on Ebay. Toodles!


	14. WHO'S YELLING?

Hi!

Well, the reviews for chapter 13 STILL haven't shown up. Grrr. But I _do_ know there are at least 66 now. Bravo, reviewers! I love you all!

Ed: You love who?

Me: Hey, Ed, wait 'til the END of the chapter to ask questions!

Ed:(

Disclaimer: Look, I don't own FMA. If I did, it would be soooo different. l:)

So, here's chapter fourteen!

-line things won't work...-

"YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING!" fumed Ed, stomping his feet on the floor. "NOT EVEN YESTERDAY! WE WENT TO YOUR WEIRDO FRIENDS' HOUSE OUT OF THE BLUE AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN WARN ME ABOUT YOUR CRAZY FRIEND HIDING IN THE BUSHES! HALF THE F-ING TIME I DON'T KNOW WTF IS GOING ON! GAAAAAAH!"

"Whoa, take a chill pill, man," said Magi, trying to calm Edward down.

Harriet just stood there, looking like she had just been hit by a tornado.

Everyone was silent for a few moments.

"Hey! I forgot something!" said Shari suddenly. She then glomped Roy, Al, and Ed at the same time. How that works I dunno.

"WTF?" said all three glompees.

Just then, a small dog walked into the room. "Corky!" shouted Shari, scratching the lovable Boston terrier behind the ears. "Guys, this is Corky. Wanna pet her?"

So they did. Corky sniffed Roy's hand. She sneezed mysteriously. "CHOOF!" She seemed to like Ed and Al, giving them each a big sloppy kiss on the face. Ed, however, did not enjoy this.

"Eeeeew! Dog drool! That's NASTY!" he exclaimed, wiping the gooey slime off of his face. "Eck! Bleah! Bleck!" he gagged.

"How adorable!" said Al, smiling like an idiot.

"So, what does everyone think we should do?" asked Shari.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" said Magi. "I know! Let's play spin the bottle!" she suggested, glancing at Al.

Everyone stared at Magi. "I guess that's a no?" she mumbled.

"Well, first of all, I appoint myself chaperone," said Roy in a matter-of-factly way.

"Why?" asked Sari.

"Someone needs to watch the _children_," he said, looking at Ed.

Ed's eyebrow twitched. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING THE SMALLEST OF LITTLE BABY CHILDREN THAT NEEDS A DIAPER?"

"He didn't say that, brother," Al said quietly.

Sari proceeded to write down the sentence Ed yelled into her notebook for later use in a fanfic. Ed snatched the notebook.

"What is this, anyways?" he demanded.

"A notebook."

"I know _that_, what are you using it for?" he asked. He began to look through the pages. "Hey! I'm not short!" he claimed, making angry faces at numerous chibi Edwards in the notebook. "And this! What the crap is a 'Smoking Edward Claus Fairy?' You are a nut job! And Roy is NOT the coolest man on earth! Moron!"

Sari looked rather pleased with herself.

"Envy is the coolest ever!" remarked Shari. Everyone looked at her, even Corky. "What? He is!" More silence and staring.

"Envy disguised himself as you and then attacked us! What is with you?" said Edward.

"WILL YOU EVER STOP F-ING SHOUTING AT EVERYONE?" screamed Harriet at the top of her lungs.

"Harriet, stop yelling," said Ed.

"WHO'S YELLING? I'M NOT YELLING! AAAAAAAAARRGH!" Winded, Harriet fell backwards onto a couch.

-Line thing just will NOT work! Will it ever again?-

So, that was chapter fourteen. Btw, Sari really DID draw a Smoking Edward Claus Fairy. She was VERY bored.

As usual, please R & R!

Ed: My ears hurt.

Me: MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP YELLING!

Ed: sob


	15. Looks like she snapped and The Producers

Hi again, dear reviewers!

Finally got the reviews! Wow! I have 76 of them now! Wonder when it'll get to 100!

Lyemi has just made clear to me that I made a little mistake in chapter 10. Apparently, seeing the Gate is what makes you able to transmute without a circle, not having automail. Sorry, I am pathetically clueless. I do not wish to pass on my cluelessness, so, um, yeah. But that _does_ still work with my story. Anyways, back in chapter 10, Ed would've said "But you've never been to the Gate! Have you?" and then Harriet would say "No. I haven't." then Sari would say "Uh-oh. Bad juju." Then everyone would look at her and the fanfic would continue.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. So yeah. Offa my back, you bloodsucking lawyers:P

So, here is chapter fifteen.

-line thing still won't work. Get on the ball, website people! Or heads will roll!-

Ed stared open-mouthed at Harriet, who had rolled up into a ball and was rocking back and forth.

"Harriet?" he said quietly.

"GRRJVDFggbvvFGDDSSS M MFFDEE!" she yammered, spazzing out. Edward stepped back in horror.

"Ed, looks like she snapped," said Sari cheerfully.

Harriet began foaming at the mouth.

"Um, maybe we should leave her alone for a while..." said Shari, heading upstairs. The rest of them followed, leaving Harriet alone in the basement. (oh, I forgot to tell you, they were in Shari's basement, which, by the way, has several couches and a large tv)

Upstairs, in the living room, Ed sat around looking emo. _Dammit!_ he thought. _This is my fault! I drove her nuts! And there's nothing I can do now! Dammit! And I guess I kind of like her, too..._

Back downstairs, Harriet began to calm down. _OH SHIT! I must've really freaked him out! He's going to think I'm such a nut job now! It's not his fault I yelled. And it's not his fault he yelled. Well, actually, it IS his fault he yelled. But that's beside the point. I owe him an apology. I should've been able to keep from breaking down like that. And I didn't want to yell at him. He's such a cool guy. And I guess I kind of like him. Heck, I've been an Ed fangirl since the first time I watched FMA! DAMMIT! Why did I yell at him? He didn't deserve to be yelled at!  
_

When everything seemed quiet downstairs, they all went back downstairs. Harriet was sitting calmly on a couch. They turned on the lights.

Suddenly, something behind the couch snorted. "Snort! Mmm.Mmmhmm. Five more minutes..." A head peeked up.

"Oh, hi, Leah," said Shari. "Forgot you were back there."

Leah stood up and pointed at Ed. "SHORT!"

Ed began to turn purple. Oh dear.

Leah did not get the hint. "SHOOOOORTY! PIPSQUEEK! LITTLE BUG! TEENY TINY BABY! SHOOOORT!"

Ed simply exploded. Oh dear. But actually, he verbally exploded.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHORT LITTLE PARAMECIUM SO SMALL IT IS STEPPED ON BY OTHER PARAMECIA AND BABY BUGS?"

"You, short stuff."

-different pov-

He looked at her. _What a nice person. Why do I have to spy on her again? Oh yeah. Supposed to be important, like some sort of threat to us. Bullcrap. She's too nice. What if they ask me to assasinate her? I don't know if I could do it. She's... She's just too nice. Too... Too pretty. Dammit. I'm supposed to be paying attention to my mission. Why am I distracted by this... Well, this human! Why do I keep looking at her? Dammit!..._

-ok, back to everyone else.-

Harriet, Al, Magi, and Sari all had to hold onto Edward to keep him away from Leah.

"Dammit! Let me go!"

"No," said everyone else.

"Grrr..."

"Ed, you are sooooo sh-" Shari clapped a hand over Leah's mouth. Leah bit her hand.

"Leah, cut it out! Don't be a jerk!" yelled Shari.

"You're even shorter than Ed," said Roy.

Leah tackled him. She grabbed a pillow and began to hit him with it.

"Pillow fight!" shouted Sari.

Everyone grabbed a pillow and began to hit Roy with them.

"Why-Ooof!- me?" came Roy's muffled voice.

"Why not?" said Harriet.

"Groan..."

"This is FUN! Yay!" shrieked Ed as he struck home with his own pillow. Roy was beginning to get pissed off.

Before anyone knew what what happening, there was a snap and Ed's pillow caught on fire. He threw it on the ground and stamped it out.

All Roy could say was "Oops."

"Who wants candy and popcorn?" asked Shari. Everyone did. Shari went upstairs. A few minutes later, she returned with a bowl of popcorn and a huge bag of candy. "Now, what movie should we watch?"

Sari began to freak out and point at Shari saying "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

"What is it?" asked Shari.

"We've GOTTA watch The Producers!"

"Good idea! Heheheheh..." cackled Shari mischeivously.

Ed, Al, and Roy looked scared. And they should be. The Producers is not a horror movie, but it is scary in its own special ways. Meaning very unusual situations, such as a bunch of gay guys dancing the conga, a play about Hitler, and some crazy guy who talks to pigeons. Not to mention several skimpy outfits and also hundreds of perverted old ladies. And more. If you have seen The Producers, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If not... um, then it doesn't seem to make sense.

Shari started up the dvd while everyone settled down in front of the tv with the popcorn and candy.

A man walked up to a door and knocked on it several times. "Mr. Bialistock?"

As the movie progressed, Ed's face looked more and more confused and disturbed. Al's face just looked more confused.

"I'm WET! I'm histerical and I'm wet!"

However, Roy seemed very entertained. But he was starting to get tired...

-lineblahblahblah-

By the end of the movie, Roy had fallen asleep. Ed looked confused and Al looked even more confused.

Al turned around to face his older sibling. "Brother, where do babies come from?"

Ed looked embarassed. "Um... I don't know." He was not lying. His mommy never had a chance to tell him.

Everyone else in the room found this hilarious. "Wait, are you serious?" asked Leah obnoxiously.

"Hey, I read this one fanfic where Ed didn't know so he asked Roy. Riza ended up explaining in detail. Explaning _verbally_," she added, looking at Magi's face twisting into a grimace.

"Um," said Ed. "What's a fanfiction?"

-lines have not returned yet. :(-

So, that was chapter fifteen.

Review please!

Ed: Where _do_ babies come from?

Al: Yeah! Tell us! You're smart!

Me:...


	16. Fanfictions and An Ed Fangirl All Along

Wassup, yo?

WOOT! 84 reviews! Keep reviewing!

Heheheheh... Roy shall be tortured!

Disclaimer: Still don't own it. Nope, not now either. Also I don't own the Sharpie company. And I hope Zefyr doesn't mind me mentioning his(?) fanfic.

Actually, I mentioned several actual fanfics just because.

Now I give you chapter sixteen.

-linelinelineline-

"Oh! We just HAVE to show you guys this one really cool website! Fanfiction dot net!" said Sari gleefully.

"Yeah! You should read 'The Perils of Coffee,'" suggested Harriet.

All five girls began to giggle uncontrolably. Ed and Al looked uneasy.

Shari led them all up the stairs and to the computer room. She sat down at the computer.

"Fanfiction... dot... net," she said, typing in the web address. "Anime/Manga. Fullmetal Alchemist. Page 120. The perils of coffee."

Shari finished her bout of clicking and stood up. "Ok, Ed, read it. Use this thing on the mouse to scroll down."

Edward sat down in the comfy computer chair. He began to read, and everyone else read over his shoulder.

After a while, everyone had turned red and Al was inching slowly away from Magi.

When they finished reading, Ed got up and almost bumped into Harriet. He backed up. "Um... sorry..." he said, holding up his hands.

"Erm..." stammered Al.

"Well, let's go back downstairs," said Leah.

When they got downstairs, Sari suddenly snapped her fingers. "I have an idea!" she said with an evil glint in her eye. They all turned towards Roy.

"Shari, could you go get some shaving cream? And some pink hair dye?" asked Sari.

Harriet grinned. "Can I shave his eyebrows?"

"Sure," said Sari.

Shari brought in some shaving cream, a razor, and a sharpie marker. "We don't have any pink hair dye."

Sari looked disappointed for a moment, but then she got another idea. "Edward..."

"Yes?"

"Can you change someone's hair color with alchemy?"

"Well, yeah, sure."

"Turn Roy's hair pink!"

Edward looked surprised for a moment. "What?"

"I said turn his hair pink!"

Edward shrugged. "Okay. Here goes." He clapped his hands and put them down in Roy's thick, black hair. In a flash of alchemical light, Roy's hair went from jet black to punkster pink. With a mohawk.

Sari squealed with delight. She cuddled Roy's new hair. And severely creeped everyone else out. "What?" She let go of Roy's head.

Harriet then shaved off one of Roy's eyebrows. She then drew a new eyebrow in sharpie marker. "Tada!"

"Know what's missing?" asked Sari.

"What? His eyebrow?" asked everyone else.

"No. This! Shaving cream." Sari put some shaving cream in Roy's hand. "Feather duster." She tickled Roy's nose with the fluffy softness. The plan worked perfectly: Roy's handful of shaving cream came up to meet his face. Everyone cheered quietly.

"Now what?" asked Shari.

"Let's show Ed and Al more fanfics!" said Sari.

"Yeah, but NOT like the one we just read," said Al with a shudder.

Soon, they were back in the computer room. Ed scrolled down the list of titles.

"Hmmm... AndthenAndthen!ANDTHEN, meh, Bald Eagle, sounds boring, Forbidden Love, let's try that one."

"Erm, Ed, I don't think you'll like that one," said Harriet.

"Why?" asked Ed. He began to read the fanfic. "HOLY SHIT! THIS PERSON IS A NUTCASE!"

"Yeah, I know. EdAl fanfics are actually pretty common."

Ed clicked on "Why Cupid Isn't Allowed in Pubs Anymore."

"HOLY SHIT! THIS GUY NEEDS HELP!"

"THAT is a EdRoy fanfic. You might not want to read any of those. They are practically all over the place. You should read 'The Day Ed Replies To Fanmail.' It's actually very good."

Ed read the first chapter. "Ha! I actually _would_ write a reply like that! This is hilarious!" He finished reading the fanfic. "You're right! Not all fanfics are bad!"

"I told you so," she said smugly. "But watch out for EdEnvy pairings."

"You're kidding, right?"

"I'm not kidding at all."

By the look on Harriet's face, Ed realized she meant what she said. Creepy. "Do you write any fanfics like that?" he asked, fearing an affirmitive answer.

"Nah. I don't write yaoi. And I only read it when I get bored out of my mind," replied Harriet. "Do you really think I would write something like that?"

"Um, no, actually. Just making sure."

"Hey, you should read the fanfic 'When Fangirls Attack.' It's about a bunch of yaoi-crazy fangirls who kidnap Roy and you."

"Sounds interesting." Ed was getting better and better at using the computer. He clicked on the fanfic Harriet suggested.

He read a few chapters. Then he got to... chapter five! DUN DUN DUUUN! "Why are you in this fanfic?"

"Um, I wanted to be in the fanfic so I asked the person who wrote this if I could be in their fanfic, so they put me in it."

"Why are you a crazy fangirl in this fanfic?"

"I'm not a yaoi fangirl, I told you. Not even in this fanfic. I'm a-" She suddenly shut her mouth.

"You're a what?"

Harriet mumbled something barely audible.

"What?"

"I said, I'm an Ed fangirl."

Ed's jaw dropped. He could not believe what she had just said. "You mean I've been hanging out with a crazy fangirl?"

"I'm not _that_ crazy! You know perfectly well I don't actually act the way I did in the fanfic!"

"You could've at least told me before that you're an Ed fangirl."

"Why would you want to know?"

Awkward silence.

Leah suddenly walked into the room and gave both Ed and Harriet an elbow in the shoulder. "Wassup?"

"Nothing," said Harriet and Ed at the same time.

"Okay. Whatever. Anyways, Shari is putting in Pirates of the Carribean. Time to go back downstairs."

"Okay," said Harriet. "C'mon, Ed."

The three went downstairs. Magi, Sari, Al, Shari, and Corky were all waiting with bowls of popcorn and bags of candy in their laps. Except for Corky, who, being a dog, was not allowed to have popcorn or candy. Shari picked up the remote and started the movie as the three late arrivals took their seats.

By the end of the movie, everyone was asleep. Well, _almost_ everyone...

-change pov-

Now that everyone else was asleep, it was getting boring. Suddenly, he had an idea. A ring of light traveled down his body.  
He walked over to the sleeping girl and poked her.

-change back to normal pov-

Shari woke up and stood up to go get a drink of water. Suddenly, she turned around and saw someone she did not expect to see. "Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"'Allo, lass!" said the pirate. Shari glomped him then got back into her sleeping bag and fell asleep...

-dumdeedum-

So, that was chapter sixteen.

Please review!

Me: So, why would you want to know?

Ed: Huh? Who're we talking about?


	17. If Baboons Like Cheese and Bacon Face

Hey, everybody! 

93 reviews and counting! Yay! Keep reviewing!

By the way, yesterday was my 14th birthday! Yay! The party is today, and you will read about it in later chapters.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Meh.

Here ya go. Chapter seventeen.

* * *

Edward was the first to wake up. He sat up, rubbed his head groggily, and opened his eyes. He suddenly realized that he had rolled off of the couch in his sleep. So there he was, rolled up in his sleeping bag, when the floor moved slightly. Ed gave a small yelp of surprise and rolled to the side. He had fallen on top of Harriet, who had been sleeping on the floor. She yawned and stretched. 

"Five more minutes..." She opened her eyes. "Ed? What are you doing on the floor?"

"I, um, fell off the couch," he said.

"But the couch is way over here. How'd you get over there?"

"Um, I rolled."

Sari suddenly sat up in her sleeping bag. "I wonder if baboons like cheese."

''What?" said Edward and Harriet simultaneously.

This commotion woke Magi. "Huh? What's going on? Why is Ed on the floor?"

"I fell off the couch."

"Why are you all the way over there?"

While they were arguing, Roy began to stir. He yawned and rose from the comfy chair he had spent the night in. He began to  
walk to the bathroom.

"You fell on top of me, didn't you, Ed?" accused Harriet.

"N-n-no, of course not!"

"You coudn't have fallen off of the couch without falling on her," pointed out Magi.

"I like pickles!" said Sari. Everyone was silent for a moment.

And then they heard a scream from the bathroom. "FULLMETAL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR? AND WHERE'S MY EYEBROW? AND WHAT THE CRAP IS ALL OVER MY FACE?" Roy walked out of the bathroom looking pissed.

"Don't have a cow, Mustang. I can fix it," said Ed. He put his hands on Roy's hair and it was back to its old self. "Sorry I can't do anything about your eyebrow, though."

Roy looked so mad it looked like his head woud explode. He picked up Ed by the collar. "Never. Touch. My. Hair. Ever. Again,"  
he hissed into Ed's face. He set Edward down.

"Hey Ed, I dare you to say this to Roy!" Sari whispered something in Ed's ear.

"Okay," said Ed. He walked up to Roy. "Roy, have you noticed that your name and Roger's name both start with the same two letters?" said Ed. "By the way, I have been told I am devilishly handsome." When he said 'devilishly handsome,' he pretended to play with a mustache.

Roy looked at Ed with a straight face. "Fullmetal, are you hitting on me?" he remarked coolly.

"What? Eew! No!" said Ed, waving his hands in the air. "Sari made me say it!"

Roy raised his remaining eyebrow. "Suuure she did."

Sari giggled evilly.

Just then, Al woke up. "Yawn... G'morning," he said drowsily. He looked around the room. "Did I miss something?"

Corky licked Al's face, walked upstairs, then walked downstairs again and barked at Ed. Wierdo dog. She jumped up onto Shari, who was still asleep, and licked her face. Shari grumbled.

"I'll go get some ice cubes," said Harriet. She walked upstairs then came back down with a handful of ice cubes. "Observe." She deftly dropped an icecube down the back of Shari's night shirt. Then the rest of the handful.

Shari suddenly got up and shook herself to try to get the ice cubes out of her shirt. "HARRIET! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR, YOU IDIOT?"

"To wake you up. It worked, didn't it?" Harriet laughed.

"Guys," said Shari, " I had the greatest dream EVER! I saw Jack Sparrow! And I glomped him!"

Al began to run around the room, humming the POTC theme song. "Dunna nun-nun, dunna nun-nun, dunaa nun-nun dunna-nuh!"

Shari stopped being mad and began to run around the room with Al. Magi got up and ran around, too, pretending to hum also.

"I'm surrounded by idiots!" shouted Harriet.

"So what else is new?" said Sari.

"Surrounded? There are only three people running around, you know," said Edward.

"I'm still surrounded."

Just then, Corky got up and began to run around the room.

"That's it. Now this is just crazy. Shari, no more POTC for you."

"POTC! EEEEEE! Dunna nun-nun, dunna nun-nun..." she trailed on.

Al had wrapped a strip of toilet paper around his head in an attempt to look like he was wearing an eyepatch.

"Al, take that off of your head!" yelled Ed. "That's TOILET paper!"

But he was too late. Magi and then Shari quickly copied Al's "brilliant" idea.

Roy was bored, so he got up and joined the stupid parade, wrapping some tiolet paper around his own head.

Sari, being obsessed with Roy, could not remain seated and also joined the stupid parade.

So, everyone was dancing around the room like a lunatic except for Ed and Harriet. Normally, Harriet would've been one of the first ones to get up and dance around the room, but this time she didn't. Because Ed didn't.

Ed wanted to dance around the room, too, but Harriet didn't, so he didn't.

So they both sat around boredly until it was time for breakfast.

At breakfast, they ate bacon and eggs. Nothing exciting happened, except Corky showed everyone her "I want bacon! Give me bacon! I'm so adorable!" face. Al fell for it.

"Now we can go to Kennywood!" said Shari happily.

Ed looked up from his now empty plate. "What?"

* * *

The lines are back! Yes! Maybe it's a birthday present from the website. :) 

For those who don't know, Kennywood is an amusement park.

Keep on reviewing!

Ed: Kennywood sounds fun!

Me: Yes, it will be very... fun. Heheheh...

Ed: Uh oh...


	18. Soaked and The Musik Express

Yo!

98 reviews! 2 more til 100!

This sleepover is so totally awesome! Sari has been breakdancing on the kitchen table while listening to the Numa Numa song. My my my. Yes, that's going on right now. Shari says hi. Sari says yo man wassup. Shari says wassup.  
She just made a peace sign. Sari is about to chug some grape soda. Ok she chugged it. And Magi just looks bored. She's just sitting on the couch.

So you know, we are neither drunk nor on drugs. Just sugar high. :)

Disclaimer: I don't own...lists long list of things I don't own... and fma. breathes

Caution: This chapter is a bit fluffy and if you don't like kiss scenes, too bad.

* * *

"What's Kennywood?" asked Al. 

"Only the frigginnest coolest place on the face of da earth!" spazzed Sari.

"It's an amusement park," said Harriet. "You'll like it."

A few hours later, they were at Kennywood. "Let's go watch the Pittsburgh Plunge," suggested Harriet.

So, they walked to the Pittsburgh Plunge. Harriet walked up and then down some steps. "C'mon! This is the best spot to watch the Pittsburgh Plunge!"

They waited and watched. The boat thingy loaded up with people and began to go to the top. Then, the boat went down the steep  
slope of a waterslide thingy. When it hit the bottom, an enourmous wall of water erupted into the sky, at least 100 feet high. Ed's eyes widened.

"Hey! It's coming towards us!" He braced himself for the impact. Sari jumped up onto the rail. "Wheee!" The water hit like a million water balloons dropped from airplanes.

Ed slowly opened his eyes. The girls were laughing. Roy was not. Sari pointed at Roy. "Useless!"

Al looked like he was in shock. Poor Al.

Ed just sat there on the ground, sopping wet and having not a clue. "What was that?" he finally managed to splutter.

"That was the Pittsburgh Plunge," said Shari.

A grin inched its way across Ed's face. "That... was... FUN!"

"Now you're talking!" said Harriet.

They went to the Bavarian Wave Swinger. And rode it five times.

Magi looked at Al. "Let's all go ride the Musik Express!"

So, they went to the ride. Ed and Harriet shared a car, and so did Magi and Al and Sari and Roy. Some kid named Ryan went with Shari because niether of them had someone to sit next to, and the rule was two people per car.

As the ride started, the world began to spin. As the force of the spinning pushed Harriet up against Edward, she looked at the car in front of them, with Magi and Al in it. They were kissing. And it was a reeeeeeeeeally long kiss. Harriet averted her eyes from that and wound up looking at Ed instead. So then she looked behind them. Shari was cuddling up to/ slightly squishing Ryan, and Ryan looked pretty happy. Then she looked to the other side of the ride and saw Sari trying to make out with Roy, but Roy was pushing her back to the other side of the seat. And he looked slightly green. Not a pleasant sight, either. He might puke, or, even worse, end up making out with a 13-year-old fangirl. Harriet looked at Ed again. He looked at her. Their faces got closer and closer together...

* * *

Intermission! 

Go watch Shari and Sari breakdancing. Yes, they still are.

Sari thinks oranges are gay. Just don't ask.

Or go to the bathroom or something.

* * *

...and their lips closed into a kiss before they knew what they were doing. They were both surprised by this. The ride slowed down and they abruptly pulled away from eachother. 

They all got off the ride. "Whoa, Harriet! You nearly ate Ed's face!" said Magi.

"And you're talking," sneered Harriet.

Sari just looked insanely jealous. Roy just looked insanely nauseated.

"Can Ryan hang out with us?" asked Shari, breaking the awkward silence.

"I don't see why not," said Harriet.

* * *

So, that was chapter eighteen.

Sari is dancing with a broom. OMFG.

This chapter was a little short, but I hope you enjoyed it. And you have Magi, Sari, and Shari to thank for not allowing me to give you a verbal camera view of the isides of Ed's and my mouths.

Ed: (still slightly dazed from kiss) Good. In my opinion, that seems a bit too personal.

Me: Yeah, and besides, what I wanted to write wasn't even very good.


	19. Blame sugar, pizza, and staying up late

Good morning!

Magi, Sari, and Shari are singing the Oscar Meyer Wiener song. Sari just said "Indian hut. Beethoven. Beethoven should be  
an indian man."

Disclaimer: SUGAR! MMMM! Oh yeah, I don't own FMA.

This sleepover has gone from strange to just plain stupid. It is now reaching new levels of stupidity every minute. Like an episode of South Park. Or Bo Bo Bo.

Well, here's chapter n- omg Sari just said she wants to make out with a laundry basket.

Anyways, here's chapter nineteen. Please consider my mental state at this hour of the morning. It is now 2:16 AM.

* * *

"Squee!" squeed Shari, glomping Ryan. Ryan seemed startled by this. 

"Hey!" shouted Sari. "Let's go buy deep fried oreos!"

So they bought deep fried oreos. Edward ate a lot of them, and Al ate even more than Ed did.

"Let's go ride the Exterminator!" yelled Sari. She looked at Roy. "It's nice and dark and private."

"I HATE roller coasters!" exclaimed Harriet.

"Maybe the racer, then."

"It's still a roller coaster."

Ed broke into the conversation. "What's a roller coaster?"

They got into the Racer line. After 30 minutes of waiting, they finally got into the roller coaster cars.

Harriet was very scared and nervous, but Sari sat in the front car with Roy. Harriet sat next to Edward in one of the middle cars, Magi and Al sat in the back, and Shari and Ryan sat right behind Harriet and Ed. Then the roller coaster started.

Harriet began to freak out and cry and hid her face in Ed's shoulder. Ed felt awkward.

At the end of the ride, everyone looked relieved except for Magi and Al, who looked like they could've stayed in the roller coaster forever, making out. In fact, they were still making out and people were starting to stare.

Sari poked her sister. "Yo? Magi? Earth to Magi!"

The two centers of public attention broke their kiss, looked up, and blushed.

Sari grinned at Roy. "Let's ride the Musik Express a few more times!"

So, they rode the ride again and again and again and again, but Ed and Harriet did not kiss again. Then it was time to go wait for their ride home. Shari said goodbye to Ryan, and they all bought some fudge to eat while they waited to be picked up by Shari's mom.

They all sat down on the curb.

Edward shuffled hs feet and looked at the ground. "Um... that was fun, huh?"

"Yeah, really fun," said Harriet.

Ed looked up at her. "Um... uh... I admit, I don't know at all what to say."

"'S alright, me neither," she said. They uncertainly moved their faces close to eachother and kissed. For a looong time. When they finally looked up, Magi and Al were smooching again.

* * *

time and kisses pass

* * *

Finally, Shari's mom's car pulled in and they all got in. Everyone was silent on the way home. 

When they got to Magi and Sari's house, Al and Magi had a "small" goodbye kiss lasting at least a minute, freaking out Shari's mom.

They eventually arrived at Harriet's house, and they waved goodbye to Shari and her mom. They went into the house, and Ed and Al went downstairs and Harriet went to her room. They all fell asleep with new memories settling in their heads.

* * *

So, that was chapter nineteen. 

If you didn't like it, it's because right now it is 3:17AM and everyone else's craziness is rubbing off on me.

Shari just said chipmunk.

Ed: (dreaming)kiss me again... SNORT! (suddenly wakes up) Huh?

Me: Sure I will, Ed.

Magi: (still making out with Al)Mmmmm...

Look, now you know what happens when I eat too much pizza and birthday cake and stay up reeeeally late with my friends. Should I do that again? Please review and tell me.


	20. Dream Seller

Hi! G'mornin'!

Just went over 100 reviews! Here is a list of the people who reviewed by the 100th review:

TheDrifterAuthor  
Harryswoman  
PuppehLuff  
slinko  
OneSong05  
Taydr-I LOVE FMA- ED IS MY FAV  
Lyemi  
CrystalAlchemist59007  
Alchemic Wolf -Ariella Lupin-  
Kyasarin-Maarukeehii1  
Suuki-Aldrea  
King-dedede  
Alenia Shadows  
whatever55  
'Suko Fluff  
fix-it Alchemist  
whatever55  
JustPullTheTrigger  
RoyKitten07  
shikibaookami

'Tis a very long list, no? You better believe it is. Special thanks to all who are listed for writing the first 100 reviews!

Disclaimer: Hey, 20 chapters and over 100 reviews, and all the while I don't own fma.

So, here's chapter twenty!

* * *

Ed woke up to Quozl's mental sniggering. _"Wow, Fullmetal, you have _interesting_ dreams. Woof!"_

_ "Stay out of my brain, you sick bastard!"_

_"Why? It's not like I was participating in your dream. I CAN do that, you know. But I was just watching."_

_ "You're sick to watch that."_

_"You're sick to dream that."_

_"How am I supposed to control what I dream!"_

_ "From what you're thinking about before you fall asleep. Also if you realize it's a dream you an control it completely. And I _know_ you knew it was a dream, and what you were thinking when you fell asleep."_

_"Will you just drop it?"_

_"Fine. Maybe I should go talk to Harriet about your dream instead..."_

_"Nonononononono! Don'tdon'tdon't! Pleeeeease!"_

_"C'mon boy! Beg! Beg! C'mon!"_

_"I'm not a dog!"  
_

_"Says you. Look, I don't have all day."_

Ed sat up and begged like a dog. _"Pleeeeeease don't tell her..."  
_

_ "I suppose that will do. By the way, do you want to know what she dreamed about?"_

_"Tell me!"_

_ "Well, too bad! I'm not telling you!"_

_"TELL ME!"_

_"How about a trade?"_

_"What?"_

_ "If I tell you what she dreamed, I also tell her what you dreamed."_

_"Ummm... Okay, I guess..."_

Quozl mentally whispered something to Ed that the reader could not hear. Ed's eyes widened.

_"OMG. Girls really have dreams like that?"_

_"You bet."_

Al sat up and gasped, turning very red.

_"I just told him what Magi was dreaming about."_

_ "That telepathy is really long-range, isn't it?"_

_"Yep."_

All the way over at Magi and Sari's house, Roy screamed. "Noooooooooooo!"

_"Even _I_ heard that. And I'm just not gonna guess what you just told him. You really _are_ a pervert."_

_"And proud of it!"_

_ "..."_

_"Wanna know what Michael Jackson dreamed about last night?"_

_ "Who?"_

_ "You don't know? Perhaps his dream will help..."_

_"Look, I don't want to know. Go peddle your perverted dreams somewhere else."_

_"Ah well. Your loss." _He then began to discuss something with Michael Jackson. _"Ok I'm back! He really liked your dream. Said it made him feel special."_

_"You BASTARD! That stuff is PRIVATE!"  
_

_"Yes, very. I just made a lotta money. Michael likes pretty boys."_

_"..."_

Just then, someone upstairs shouted "Breakfast!" Ed and Al were happy to go upstairs. In fact, they both got stuck in the door when they tried to go through it at the same time. But then they got unstuck. Ed and Al sat down at the table across from Harriet.

"Look, I don't want to talk about it. Quozl is a perverted bastard with no life," said Harriet before Ed could even open his mouth.

* * *

That was chapter twenty. 

Disturbed? Me too. I at first never intended to make Quozl a perverted bastard that sells pornographic dreams. O-o

Anyways, I'll leave it to you to imagine the dreams.

I'm up to 106 reviews! Splee!

Ed: Is Michael Jackson a real person?

Me: Depends on what you call "real..."

Ed: A hounculus

Me: Could be. But that's not what I meant...

So, anyways, stay tuned, r & r, maybe I will start writing good chapters again.


	21. Shrimp? and Acetone Tastes Funny

Allo!

I now have 113 reviews for this fanfic! Keep it up!

I will try to write a relatively non-disturbing chapter this time.

Disclaimer: No tengo FMA. That's Spanish for I don't own FMA.

So I now give you the fabulous and much sought after chapter twenty-one.

* * *

"No more trades with Quozl, got it?" said Harriet, obviously having a bad morning. 

Ed could only nod in agreement before a new voice talked in both of their heads.

_"Hey guys, it's me, Bacchus! Don't worry about Quozl, I'll keep him off your backs. He already got in trouble with his superiors for abuse of his mental powers. Anyways, listen up. You're going on a mushroom foray to South Park today with Harriet's dad,  
and you should keep an eye out for Envy. The local animals will do their best to point him out to you if they can. Good luck!"  
_

Harriet and Ed nodded mentally, and Bacchus left them alone. But then Quozl started to bug them.

_"What was with yesterday, you two? That was a lot of smooching you did. That would probably explain the dreams, you know..."_

_"Quozl, stop bothering them!"_

_"Why should I, Bacchus?"  
_

The two ferrets quietly moved their conversation from the brains of the other two.

"Um..." said Ed. "That was odd."

"Yep."

Madeleine butted into the conversation. "What was odd?"

"None of your business, half-pint," said Ed.

"How old are you anyways?" asked Madeleine obnoxiously.

"15. Why?"

"Wow, you're _short_."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MICROSCOPIC PEBBLE OF A HALF-PINT?"

"You, shorty."

Naomi began to skip around the house. "Short, short, short, short, short, short, short, short..." she sang.

Ed looked pissed off. Skyler looked stupid. Cake looked yummy. Wait, cake? Whatever nevermind the cake.

Suddenly, Magi and Sari barged into the house. "Hey Harriet! We're here!" yelled Magi.

Al got up from the table and gave Magi a hug.

"Hey Harriet," said Sari, "Did you show Ed that shrimp that you gave an interesting name?"

"What?" said Ed. "Show me."

"Thanks a lot, Sari," mumbled Harriet. Ed and Sari followed her to her room. "It's in there." She motioned to the 20 gallon tank.

Ed looked carefully looked into the tank and eventually spotted a tiny shrimp just under an inch long. "What's it called?"

"It's an amano shrimp."

"I mean what's its name?"

There was a pause.

"C'mon, tell him!" said Sari, jumping up and down.

"Well?" asked Ed.

"Fine, I'll tell you, but you won't like it," said Harriet.

"Go on! Say it already!"

"Its name is Edward."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP?"

"Cool it, Ed."

Sari looked pleased with herself.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Harriet ran to get it. "Hey guys! It's Gavin!"

Everyone else ran to the door. In the doorway stood a rather rotund black-haired boy wearing expensive clothes and fancy leather shoes. As he walked past everyone into the house, the smell of stinky yucky smelly cologne wafted around.

Sari took it upon herself to do introductions. "Guys, this is Gavin. Gavin, this is Al and this is Ed."

"Hello!" said Gavin. "I want to play Roger in The Producers!"

Ed and Al took a few steps backward. "I think Gavin's really wierd," whispered Ed into Harriet's ear.

"Really? You don't say?" Harriet whispered back sarcastically.

Gavin looked thoughtful for a minute. "I ate three cardboard boxes for breakfast this morning!" he proclaimed. "And you know what else? Acetone tastes funny."

Harriet slapped herself in the face. "Gavin, you really need to stop eating cardboard..."

* * *

So, that was chapter twenty-one. 

Gavin, by the way, really is a real person and does in fact eat cardboard boxes, among other things. And he has said, on many occasions, that acetone tastes funny.

By the way, Sari will be signing autographs in the authors note for anyone who asks for it in their review!

Ed: Wow, no kissing scenes all chapter!

Me: I can fix that. (kisses Ed)

Ed: (is happy)


	22. Amawhat? and Oh

WOOT! Writing frenzy!

I now have 119 reviews!

Disclaimer: I -belch- don't -belch- own -belch- fma -belch- ! -belch-

So here is da chapter twenty-two!

* * *

Once Gavin had finished talking about eating inedible objects, it was time to get into the car. Gavin sat in the front passenger seat, Magi, Sari, Al, and Roy sat in the middle section, and Ed and Harriet sat in back. 

During the car ride, everyone in the car except for Harriet's dad, Harriet, and Edward was singing the "Keep it Gay" song loudly.

"Guys, I HATE this stupid song!" yelled Harriet.

Sari then reached up to the front seat area and put a cd into the cd player. Then the Numa Numa song started and everyone (except for Harriet's dad) sang along! Sari cranked up the music to earsplitting volume.

"Mi-a-hii! Mi-a-huu! Mi-a-haa! Mi-a-ha ha! Mi-a-hii! Mi-a-huu! Mi-a-haa! Mi-a-ha ha! Mi-a-hii! Mi-a-huu! Mi-a-haa! Mi-a-ha ha! Mi-a-hii! Mi-a-huu! Mi-a-haa! Mi-a-ha ha!"

Harriet sang until her throat hurt. But everyone else except for Ed was still singing.

"So, um, Ed, what's up?" she asked.

"This is definately the best song ever."

"I agree."

Awkward pause.

"Um..."

Another awkward pause.

"Ok everyone we're here!" shouted Gavin.

They all scrambled out of the car to stretch their legs. Harriet grabbed her mushrooming bag, camelback water bag, and butterfly net out of the trunk. She pulled out an extra bag and threw it at Ed. "Catch."

Ed caught the bag. It was a black mesh bag with some wax paper bags and a few plastic bags inside it.

There was a group of people with baskets and bags standing around in the parking lot and they went over there.

Ed shook hands with several people and wrote his name on a sheet of paper on a clip board, then the walk was ready to begin.

The group of people broke up into smaller groups and headed towards the path into the woods.

After a few minutes of walking, Ed spotted a mushroom. "Hey! What's that?" he asked, pointing at it.

Harriet pulled a small pocket knife out of her pocket and used it to dig the mushroom out of the ground. "Good find, Ed! This might be an Amanita GN274!"

"Um... what exactly is that?"

"GN274? It's a catalogue number. The species is unnamed."

"No, what's Amanita mean?"

"It's a certain genus of mushrooms."

"Oh." Ed still looked confused.

"Mycology is actually more complicated than it looks at first."

"Mycology?"

"The study of mushrooms."

"Oh. Is it anything like alchemy?"

"Probably not, aside from the fact it's science."

"Oh."

"Stop saying 'oh.'"

"Oh."

Jut then, their conversation was cut short by the sound of twigs snapping.

"What was that?" asked Ed.

"I dunno, maybe a deer or something," said Harriet.

"Oh."

"Do I have to hit you with my net?"

They walked towards the source of the sound to see what it was. As they turned around the tree, they ran into Magi and Al. They were making out.

"Guys, we thought you were a deer!" said Harriet, sounding disappointed.

Magi and Al didn't even look up from what they were doing.

"Fine! Don't pay _any_ attention to me whatsoever!" shouted Harriet. The two followed her advice.

Ed just stood there, looking amused.

"What's so funny?" demanded Harriet.

"Nothing."

"Well, let's go keep looking now."

"Oh..."

Harriet gave him a stern glance.

"...kay," he finished.

So, they kept walking through the woods. Ed noticed that Harriet flipped over every rock, log, and piece of bark she found. At the moment, she seemed to be having trouble moving an especially large log.

"Ed, could you give me a hand with this?" she asked finally.

"Um, sure." He paused. "Why?"

"I'm looking for salamanders and snakes and stuff. They like to hide under things like this."

Ed rolled the log away and immediately saw a small garter snake curled up where the log had been. "Wow!"

Harriet wasted no time in neatly lowering the net onto the coiled snake. It reacted by trying to make a break for it, but ending up climbing into the end of the net. Harriet picked up the net and held it closed just above the frightened reptile, which was begining to soil the net with gooey, extra-smelly feces as it whipped around trying to escape.

"Eeew..." was all Ed could say.

"Isn't she beautiful?" said Harriet, beaming.

"She?" Ed looked at the writhing natural stinkbomb.

"Yep, she. I can tell because males of this species are skinnier."

"Oh."

Harriet rummaged through her bag with her free hand. She frowned. "Darn, I don't have any plastic bags that are large enough."

"What are you going to do?" asked Ed.

In response, Harriet pulled up a handful of grass and shoved it into the net to give the snake a sort of hiding place. She then pulled out her hair tie and used it to tie the net shut. "There!" she said triumphantly.

Ed was slightly surprised by this. "What are you going to name it, I mean, her?" he asked.

Harriet thought for a moment. "I think I'll name it Noa."

"Oh."

"Seriously, stop saying that."

"Oh. Make me," said Ed.

"Fine. I will," said Harriet.

Ed smirked. "O-" He was cut short by Harriet kissing him.

Just then, Magi and Al walked by. "Harriet?" said Magi. Harriet ignored her. "Hypocrite..." she mumbled, walking away.

Then, Sari walked by, with Roy in tow. "Hi Harriet! Hi Ed! Good kissing weather, huh?" At that, she looked at Roy. Roy took a few steps backwards. Sari walked towards him. Roy broke into a run, and Sari ran after him. "Wait, firey-poo!" she shouted.

Then, a squirrel walked up to them. _"Ahem..."_

Harriet and Ed stopped kissing.

_"That's better. The Colonel told me to show you where the crazy guy is, so c'mon."_

* * *

So, dat wuz chapter twenty-two. 

Sari: (signs autographs for Kyasarin-Maarukeehii1, Lyemi, and Roy-Kitten07, and draws and signs smoking Edward Claus fairy drawing for Lyemi) Here. Keep those for three years and then sell them on e-bay for a million bucks.

Ed: I got to kiss Harriet again:)

Harriet: Yay!


	23. Very Rude Squirrel and Envy's Feelings?

Live long and prosper!

Oooh, 127 reviews!

Disclaimer: I don't own fma, as in Farting Muddled Anchovies, and I don't own fma as in Fullmetal Alchemist.

And the author said, let there be chapter twenty-three!

* * *

"Wha?" said Edward, looking embarassed. 

_"Look, morons, we don't have all day."_

"Oh. I see. You mean Envy," said Ed.

They followed the bad-tempered squirrel to a hollow log. _"Here's where he's been hiding." _The squirrel poked its head up into the log, then gasped, forgetting to talk telepathically. "Holy shit!" The squirrel took his head out and a crow came flying out of the hole in the log, then up over their heads. "Well, that _was_ him," muttered the squirrel.

* * *

He stretched his wings. Ah, how it was good to fly again. But the damn shrimpy little brat and his stupid little girlfriend had found his hiding place with the help of some psychotic little hairballs. He had to find a new one now; the others would not be happy with him if he was caught unawares. Lust might even kill him again. Just then, a little light bulb went off in his head. He smiled (not smirked!) inwardly and gracefully flapped down to the house below him. Once on the ground, he picked a believable form and walked into the house...

* * *

"He got away again..." Ed's hand clenched into a fist. 

Harriet sighed. "Well, we'd better go find everyone elsse now, I guess."

"Wait." Harriet looked at Ed as he spoke.

"What is it?"

"One more thing." He walked over and kissed her. She kissed him back.

They had probably been kissing for a good ten minutes before they noticed that Roy, Sari, Magi, and Al were all standing there watching. Well, actually, Magi and Al were kissing, too.

Harriet and Ed both blushed. "Why didn't you tell us you were here?" asked Harriet, reluctantly pulling away from Edward.

"Aw, you two just look so cute together!" said Sari.

"How long have you been watching?"

Sari glanced at her watch. "Oh, about twenty minutes."

Wow. They hadn't realized they had been kissing for that long.

"Well, I think it's time to go meet up with the rest of the group now," said Harriet.

So, they all walked back to the parking lot.

* * *

Meanwhile, Shari was getting a snack from the cupboard at her house when she turned around and saw Corky. Now, normally this would not be an unusual thing. 

"I thought Mom took Corky to the park..." Shari muttered to herself. "Eh, I'll call her and ask." She picked up the phone and dialed her mom's cell phone number. There were three rings before her mom answered the phone.

"Hi, mom. Yeah, everything's all right. Listen, did you take Corky with you to the park? You did? Ok just checking, bye."

Shari slowly turned around to face the dog as it began to look more and more nervous. "You're not Corky..." she said, pointing at the imposter.

"Dammit, I thought this wuld be a good disguise..." A ring of light traveled down the dogs body, and a moment later it was no longer a dog at all.

Shari gasped. Then a look of pure joy spread across her face. "ENVY!" she shouted, glomping him.

Envy looked shocked. He had not been expecting this. "Yeah. And Ryan was me, too."

_Why am I telling her this?_ he thought. _Dammit! I must be going crazy or something..._ _No, it's something else... Oh man, after what I'm about to do, I better not show my face to any of the other sins ever again...  
_

Envy looked deep into Shari's eyes and...

* * *

Meanwhile, everyone else was in the car listening to a song called "Birdhouse In Your Soul."

* * *

...kissed her. He retreated, fearing he might've made her angry. 

_Oh shit. What have I just done? _he thought.

Shari, apparently, was not angry. In fact, she looked extremely happy and completely stunned at the same time. She then fainted.

_Oh SHIT..._

* * *

Heheheh, the thought plickens.

Lyemi, my dad is a club mycologist for the Western Pennsylvania Mushroom Club, so we go on a lot of mushroom hunts. So you know, it's not his job, it's a hobby. I mostly go along to find garter snakes and salamanders and stuff nowadays.

Sari: Anyone else want an autograph?

Also, I need help deciding whether to have Sari kiss Roy or not. If I do have them kiss, it will be an accident on Roy's part, and it will only happen once if it ever does. So please tell me what you think of that idea in your review.

Sari: Doitdoitdoit!

Me: I'm asking _other_ people, Sari...

Envy: (talking to self) Oh, great. Smooth, Envy. Just walk up to her and say "Yeah" and kiss her. D'oh!


	24. Pro and Isn't this fun? I'm stuck!

Hey everyone!

I'm up to 131 reviews now. Yay!

Ouchie, Luna bit me today. She's not very friendly. She just latched onto my hand and I had to put my hand under the tap for about a minute before she would let go. Not actually very painful, but really irritating and rather startling. If you've ever been bitten by a garter snake before, you know what I mean. I've been getting the snakes used to being handled lately, and Luna is posing a bit of I problem. She struggles so much when I try to pick her up! Fluffy, however, despite being bigger and scarier-looking than Luna, is so tame that I can let her sit on my shoulders. And Noa is just as harmless as she looks. Which happens to be very. And the remaining baby snake can't do squat.That's right. My pet snakes are real. VERY real. (rubs bitten hand) Dammit Luna...

Disclaimer: Don't own fma, never will.

So, here's chapter twenty-four!

* * *

Envy sat across the room from Shari, who was still unconscious and lying on a couch. 

_What should I do now? Hmmm... I think maybe I should leave before she wakes up..._

He got up to leave. As he opened the door, he looked back over his shoulder at Shari. He sighed and turned into a crow.

* * *

"Finally, we're back!" Harriet got out of the car and stretched. They all walked into the house. 

As Harriet opened the door, she heard the phone ringing. She ran to pick it up.

"Hello? Oh, hi, Shari! What's up? You saw WHO? He did NOT! Why would he do that? You were dreaming. Yes you were. Yes you WERE. If he was there, you know he would NOT do that. Well, g'bye."

"What was it?" asked Ed.

"Oh, just Shari. She seems to think Envy was at her house. And she thinks he _kissed_ her."

"What did you tell her?"

"That she must've been dreaming. I may not know much about Envy, but I do know he would rather _kill_ someone than _kiss_ someone."

"I agree. Still, suppose she _wasn't_ dreaming?" said Ed seriously.

Harriet looked startled. "What? You're kidding! Why on earth would Envy kiss Shari?"

"I don't know. But it seems fishy to me."

Magi and Sari barged into the house in the normal fashion. "Can I please see the little snakey-poo?" begged Magi.

Harriet looked at the small garter snake, still in the net. "Oh. I better go put her in the cage now." She headed towards her room.

"I'm going to go watch," announced Ed.

So they both went to Harriet's room.

* * *

Envy stepped into the abandoned building. He sighed. This was _not_ going to be easy to explain... 

Just then, the little brat Wrath suddenly slipped past him and ran up to Lust. "Hey! You gotta hear what Envy did!" He whispered something into Lust's ear. She laughed out loud.

"Becoming a little interested in humans, are we?" she laughed at Envy.

Envy's face purpled. (Wow! He has color in his skin!) "What are you talking about?" he said through gritted teeth.

Gluttony looked at Envy. "Lust, can I-"

"No. And Envy, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You kissed that human you were supposed to be snooping on, didn't you?"

Envy's eyebrow twiched. He stared a hole through Wrath. "How did _you_ know?" he managed to say.

Wrath smiled, enjoying torturing the palm tree-resembling homunculus. "I hid behind the couch. Why do you ask?" He grinned happily.

"You little BRAT! I otta-"

Lust interrupted him. "Look, are you still going to keep an eye on her for us or not?"

Envy grinned. "Of course I will. What makes you think I wouldn't?"

"Well, you'd better not fall in love with her, or there'll be hell to pay. Got it?"

"Yeah. I don't think we homunculi even _can_ fall in love. You're talking to the pro of not-falling-in-love here."

"Envy, you're talking oddly."

Envy decided it was about time to turn back into a crow and do his job.

* * *

Al walked up to the door to Harriet's room. She and Ed had sure been in there for quite a long time... 

He was about to knock on the door when he heard talking.

"Here, put this on."

Al pressed his ear to the door.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"Now what?"

"Just wait. I'll go first. Hey, look at her, isn't she big?"

"Her?"

"Yes, her."

Shuffling noises.

"There. Wasn't that neat?"

"Kind of."

"Now your turn. Here, take this."

"Eew, it's really gross."

"Go on."

More shuffling.

"Heh... That _was_ pretty cool."

"Isn't this fun?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Want to do another one?"

"Okay."

Shuffling.

"Hey! I'm stuck!"

"Maybe you should shake it a little bit or something."

More shuffling.

"It's _still_ stuck! Oh shit!"

"Do I need to help you with that?"

"No, I can get it myself."

Al knocked on the door.

"Come in!"

Al opened the door and immediately relaxed. Ed and Harriet were standing on a stool, leaning into the snake cage. Each of them was wearing one glove and there was a peice of trout jell-O (It's what I feed my snakes. More explanation in author's note) stuck to Ed's glove. Luna was eating the peice of trout jell-O and was getting gradually closer to having Ed's finger in her mouth.

"Hi, Al," said Harriet. "We were just-" She reached over and unstuck the trout jell-O from Ed's hand. "-Feeding my snakes," she finished.

* * *

That was chapter twenty-four. Did you enjoy it? 

I apologize for any, ahem, odd pictures that last bit may have put into your head. I just really wanted to put that conversation in this fanfic somewhere. (:

Now, about trout jell-O:

As I said earlier, trout jell-O is the food I feed to my snakes. I make it by putting the following things into a blender:

A whole gutted trout (including the head)

Vitamin powder made especially for reptiles

Hot water

Nonflavored gelatin

I then spread the mixture onto plastic shoe box lids. When the gelatin sets, I cut it into strips and then freeze it. Whenever I need to feed some to one of my garter snakes, I just break off a strip of the stuff and let it thaw a little before giving it to a snake. It has the consistancy of jell-O with a bit too much gelatin (hold its shape and doesn't break apart too easily), and it looks like strips of gray mush. And it's gross and slimy and fishy and smelly. Yum yum yum. Garter snakes love it.

Don't use that as a recipe, though. If I remember what website I found that recipe on, I will put the name in one of my author's notes. Ok?

Until next time, keep r & r-ing! Toodles!


	25. Hyeractive Talking Ferrets and Sister?

Moop!

133 reviews! WOOT!

Disclaimer: Don't own- pie falls on head- argh... Fma.

Here is de chapter twenty-five.

* * *

"Um, okay," said Al. "Uh, good." 

"You want to help?" asked Harriet.

"No, that's all right. Continue." Al backed out of the room and closed the door.

Magi walked over to Al. "What were they doing?" she asked.

"Feeding Harriet's snakes."

"Ah."

Harriet and Ed finished feeding the snakes and walked out of the room.

"Magi, Sari," she shouted. "Let's all go let the ferrets out of the cage so they can get some exercise."

"'K," said Magi and Sari at the same time. The whole group went downstairs into the basement.

The ferrets stood up on their hind legs and put their front paws up againt the bars of the cage.

"Look how cute and fuzzy I am! You must let me run around the room!" said Bacchus, rolling over onto hs back at staring upwards at everyone.

"Yes, me too," said Quozl, looking as cute as he could.

"Squee!" said Harriet. "You guys are so freakin' cute and fuzzy and cuddly!" She opened the cage and pulled the ferrets out, giving the a big hug. She then opened the bottom door of the cage and put the ferrets back into the cage so they could go and go out the bottom door.

Harriet took out a plastic grocery bag and began to rustle it, making loud rustling noises. Quozl made a little squeak of delight and lept into the air.

"I got it! got it!" shouted Quozl, sinking his teeth and claws into the plastic bag. Bacchus ran up to the bag and also pounced on it.

"Aww, that's so cuuuuute!" said Harriet.

Bacchus turned his cute wittle eyes on Harriet. "Can I pweeese have a treat?" he asked, being sure to make his voice extra adorable.

"Awww, ok, but you have to do a trick first. Lie down!"

Bacchus lay down on the floor and simpy flattened out.

"Good boy!" Harriet gave him a beef jerky ferret treat. "Up... Jump!" She held a ferret treat above Bacchus' head.

Bacchus jumped about two feet up.

"You're a goood boy! Yesh you are! Yesh you are! Here's your treat! Now, roll over!"

Ed was just staring blankly at Bacchus who was now rolling over. Suddenly, Quozl grabed his ankle. "Hey moron!" he shouted.

"Quozl! What is _with_ you?" Ed looked down at the ankle-grabbing ferret.

"Why, nothing at all. Tickle me!" Quozl jumped up and grabbed Ed's ankle again. "C'mon plaaay with meee!"

Ed just looked more disturbed. "Excuse me?"

"I said play with me, you asshole!"

Ed's jaw dropped. _What had happened to the Quozl that was a miniature Colonel Bastard?_ "You're freaking me out!"

"Plaaaaaay with meeeee!" Quozl began to roll around on the ground.

"Harriet, does this have anything to do with catnip or something?" ased Ed, backing away slowly from the crazy little monster on the floor.

"Nope. They're just hyper," said Harriet, tickling Bacchus' belly. "Would it really hurt to play with him, Ed? Just tickle his belly or rustle the bag or something."

Quozl jumped higher this time, grabbing ahold of Ed's pant leg and climbing up it. He then crawled into Ed's shirt. "Plaaaay with meeee!"

Ed _really_ freaked out this time. "Gah! What is WRONG with you? Get out get out get ooooouuuut! Owowowowowow you're scratching my back up! Geddoff! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ed took off his shirt, but Quozl still was clinging to his back. "AAAAAAAH!"

"Ed, stop shouting!" Harriet turned around and saw what Ed was shoting about. "Holy crap! Hang on! I'll help you with that!"

Harriet rushed over and took Quozl off of Ed's back. "_BAD_ Quozl! _BAD_!"

Magi and Sari of course found this whole thing immensely entertaining. And so did Roy, until Harriet set Quozl down on the floor and he began to grab Roy's ankle. "Plaaaaaaaay with meeeeeeee!" Quozl then crawled up Roy's pant leg.

Roy did the only thing humanly possible in that situaton: he began to squeal and dance aroud the room like an idiot, clutching at his pants, attempting to stop Quozl's rapid upward progress. Roy then screamed loudly and unzipped his pants. Quozl came flying out, kicking off against, ahem, a certain part of Roy's anatomy. Roy let out an even more girlish screech than before and crumpled to the ground.

Quozl began to run towards Edward. Ed screamed. Harriet caught Quozl in midair as he was jumping into Ed's pant leg.

Harriet frowned and tapped Quozl on the nose several times. "_BAD_ ferret! _BAD_! You need a time out!" Harriet opened up the ferrets' travel cage and put Quozl inside, closing it after him.

Quozl continued to go crazy for a while, but then calmed down. Harriet took him out of the travel cage and set him on the floor.

"Ok. You've calmed down. Now _behave_ yourself!"

"Alright, alright, sheesh." Quozl walked away, and then pounced on Bacchus. They rolled around on the floor, biting eachother fiercely and emmiting little squeaks of pain.

Ed just stared. "What are they doing?" he asked.

"They're sparring, like you and Al. Watch," said Harriet.

Bacchus managed to wriggle out of Quozl's grip and turned around to face him. Quozl broke into a run, but Bacchus jumped into the air and tackled Quozl, biting his back and shoulders. Quozl squeaked loudly and turned his head around at Bacchus and gave him a hard nip on the nose. Bacchus made a strange noise and jumped backwards about a foot. He the tried to tackle Quozl again, but this time, Quozl moved out of the way and Bacchus crashed to the floor.

Ed rubbed the scratches on his back. "Damn crazy little rodent..." he mumbed.

Quozl suddenly jumped up angrily. "I AM NOT A RODENT, I AM A MUSTELID!"

"Same difference."

"I AM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM A RODENT! I DON'T HAVE THOSE STUPID BUCK TEETH FOR ONE THING! AND ANOTHER THING, I AM A CARNIVORE! RODENTS ARE ALWAYS EITHER HERBIVORES OR OMNIVORES! I AM NOT A RODENT! CASE CLOSED!" Quozl then bit Ed's ankle for good measure.

Sari grinned. "You are so a rodent." Quozl ran towards her in a rage. Harriet picked him up by the scruff of his neck.

"Do you need another time-out?" she snarled.

Quozl hung his head. "No, big sister..."

"Good."

Ed looked from Harriet to the ferret and back to Harriet. "Big sister?"

* * *

That was chapter twenty-five. 

What did you think? Please spill your brain into a review!

Well, Magi, I decided not to have Greed hide behind the couch this chapter. But he _will_ hide behind the couch at some point.

Ed: No kissing in this chapter?

Me: Didn't feel like it. Besides, the readers would get bored if there was a kiss every chapter.

Ed: True. But can't we at least kiss in the author's note?

Me: But of course. (kisses Ed)

Ed: (kisses Harriet)

Well, go review or something. You don't need to read about us making out forever! Toodles!


	26. I ate candy again

Hello again!

141 reviews! Awesome!

Sorry I haven't updated for a while. I've been busy with school and crap.

Disclaimer: I don't own fma.

Here's chapter twenty-six.

* * *

"I'm not really their sister. They're just like little brothers to me, that's all," explained Harriet. 

"Ah. Wait... they seem older than you. How old are they?" asked Ed.

"Three," said both ferrets at once.

"But I'm a few weeks older," added Quozl.

Ed's eyes bugged out. "You're _THREE_ and you own a night club and are colonel of the military?"

"Yeah, since I was four months old. Ah, was I ever such a young teen?"

Edward was getting more confused by the moment. "Teen?"

"Ed, ferrets mature at age six months and live for about 10 years," said Harriet. "So he would be about a teen at age four months. And now he's the equivalent of about 30 years old, maybe 29 I guess..."

"I _knew_ he was a lot more like Roy than he was letting on," Ed muttered to himself.

"I heard that, Fullmetal," said Quozl. "And Mustang and I _are_ a lot alike. Deal with it." (Quozl: You're not pairing me with Roy, are you? Me: Nah, you're getting paired with luitenant Chink the incredibly sexy female mink, remember? Quozl: Hot dawg!)

"Well, anyways, it's dinner time. Tomorrow we need to fill out school papers and crap."

* * *

So they had dinner then went to bed. Blah blah blah who cares.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Shari's house, Shari was sitting in the basement watching POTC again because she is obsessed. 

Just then, Envy stepped out of the laundry room. He sat down next to Shari. "Mind if I watch this too?"

Shari looked up. "Um, sure." She looked back at the tv. "Why have you been following me?"

Envy stiffened. "Uh... orders."

"Is that all?"

"No." _Dammit! Why did I have to say that?_

"Oh?"

"Oh what?"

"Oh what else?"

"Um..."

"Why are you not even hidden?"

"Um... Uh..."

"Well?"

"Um... Uh... Erm.. Um.." _Dammit! Why did she have to torture him like this?_

"Tell me now!"

"WellIreallylikeyoualot!" he blurted. He clapped a hand over his mouth. _Shit! Where did THAT come from?_

"Ah. Well, I like you too." Shari leaned on Envy.

For the rest of the movie, they just sat there like that.

* * *

At Magi and sari's house, Roy was dreaming about Riza Hawkeye. He suddenly woke up and found he was sitting up in bed. And kissing Sari. He freaked out and scooted away from the crazy fangirl. 

"Did someone say crazy fangirl?" said Lyemi, randomly jumping through the fourth wall. She then jumped back into reality.

Then the lights turned on and Magi jumped up, holding up a video camera. "Got it!" She viewed the tape of Roy kissing Sari. "Awww, darn, Lyemi was in the way..."

* * *

Harriet sat up and looked at the clock. "Oh SHIT!" She hurriedly got dressed and walked out into the halway. She opened the door to the basement. "HEY GUYS! GET UP AND GET DRESSED!" she yelled down the stairs. 

Ed pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt as Al struggled with tying his shoes. Ed slipped on some sneakers and went upstairs. Harriet tossed a piece of toast at him, then at Al.

"C'mon, guys! Mom's already in the car!" The three rushed outside and clamored into the car.

On the way to the school, they stopped by Magi and Sari's house and picked up Magi, Roy, and Sari.

* * *

So, that was chapter twenty-six. 

Did yuns like it? It needs reviewed.

Ed: Moop.

Me: Um...

Roy: That kiss was a total accident so you know! shudders

Sari: Kiss me _AGAIN_!

Roy: Never! runs away

Sari: Bunzai! runs after Roy

Ed: O.o

Me: O.o

random slice of cheese: is eaten by random bisciut

biscuit: is not eaten and goes stale

Ed: WTF?

Me: (: Hehmehehmeheh!

Ed: That was a weird laugh.

Me: Do you know how much candy I ate?

Ed: No.

Me: throws huge handful of candy wrappers into air It's SNOWING!

Ed: O.o

Me: O.o

Ed: O.o

Me: O.o

Ed: O.o

Me: O.o So, why are we making this face again?

Ed: -,-

Me: (:


	27. Lolly Pops! and Chester Butts?

Lyk dewds! Omg!

147 reviews! Good, good!

I ate a lot of lolly pops today... twitches

So my writing may be a bit stranger than usual. -Yoda pops out of a random hat- Ok maybe much stranger.

Anyhoo, not starting school in the fanfic yet. Just making them fill out those dumb papers you have to fill out every stinkin' year.

Disclaimer: I don't own fma or star wars. In fact, I really don't even like star wars much at all. But lolly pops are good. How many have I eaten today? The world may never know.

So, here is chapter twenty-seven! Beware my random brain. I'll try to write this as sanely as possible, though.

* * *

On the way to the high school, they all listened to the Numa Numa song! And the banana phone song! Suh-weeet! 

Ahem.

When they got there, they were faced with the task of locating building four, where they were supposed to get the papers.

Just then, Shari walked over to them. "Hi guys! Looking for building four?"

Sari frowned. "Hey, I'm not going to the high school yet! I'm going to the middle school this year!"

Roy smirked. "The middle school principal is here and I need to talk to him and the principal of the high school about the whole body guard thing."

Shari lead them all to building four. Harriet's mom picked up papers for Harriet and Magi. They both filled them out, turned them in, and got their schedules.

Meanwhile, Roy was finishing up his talk with the two principals. "... Yes, of course I can get the paperwork done."

The secretary in the office handed Roy a huge stack of papers and three schedules.

Back outside the office, Shari, Harriet, Magi, Sari, Al, Ed, and Julia were having a discussion about the classes.

Julia frowned. "Harriet, you do know honors geometry is supposed to be the hardest freshman class?" she pointed out.

"Really? Cool. Maybe I'll actually have to _try_ in math class this year," said Harriet, grinning. She looked at her schedule again. "Guys, you will not believe what my sculpture teacher's name is!"

Ed looked curious. "Oh?"

"Butts!"

Sari frowned. "No way!"

"Yes way!"

A random junior walked by. "His first name is Chester."

"Chester Butts!" Harriet began to laugh uncontrollably.

Magi frowned. "Harriet, you are an idiot."

Sari smiled. "That amuses me."

"I don't get it." Al made an odd face.

"That's stupid," said Ed.

Ryan suddenly poked his head into the conversation. "Hilarious! So, what's up, guys?"

"Ryan!" said Shari in shock. She pulled him out of the group. "Envy! What are you doing here?" she hissed at him.

"Filling out papers, Share-bear. Same as you."

"What are you THINKING? What if they find out you're Envy?"

Ryan (actually Envy) grinned. "They're not going to find out. Just please keep calling me Ryan."

Shari was dumbstruck. Since when did Envy use the "p" word?

Suddenly, Roy burst out of the office. He thrust sheets of paper at Ed and Al.

Ed looked at the paper, then back up at the colonel. "What is this?"

Roy smirked. "Your schedule. Since you need to stay with Harriet to be her body guard, Fullmetal, you need to attend the same classes. However, you will be given an alternate assignment in Spanish class, considering you know nothing about the language at all. Al will accompany Magi and I will, regretably, have to go with Sari."

Shari popped into the conversation. "What about me?"

Roy scratched his chin. "Well, I think we ran out of people..."

Ryan walked over and put his hands on Shari's shoulders. "Don't worry, sir. I'll take good care of my girl friend."

Roy gave Ryan a skeptical look. Ryan beamed. Roy shrugged. "Whatever."

One of the helpers handing out papers stood up. "The tour of the school is starting in five minutes! Meet in the auditorium!"

They frantically rushed to the auditorium. When they got there, the people were starting their corny little welcome speech thing. Then, they began to call groups by the first letter of their last names.

Ed and Harriet ended up in different groups because Ed's last name started with E and Harriet's last name sarted with Y.

But Ed did end up in the same group as a certain guy with a last name starting with the letter F. (btw a guy who is not a character of fma)

The guy walked up to Ed. "Hey, are you Harriet's boyfriend?"

Ed looked up at the guy. Because he was taller than him. Hahah. "Yeah. Why do you ask?"

"No reason. Hey, my name's Jeremy. Yours is?"

"Edward. And you obviously have a reason."

"Just glad to hear she finally has a boy friend."

The two said nothing more to eachother for the remainder of the tour.

* * *

That was chapter twenty-seven. 

Honest-to-goodness, Chester Butts is _seriously_ my sculpture teacher's name. O.O

Hey, who here speaks Spanish? Translate this. I _do_ know what it means, I just want to see if anyone else knows. (:

-Edward Elric es muy bajo pero muy, muy guapo y muy inteligente. El pelo rubio es muy bonito. Me encanta sus ojos porque son amarillos.-

Hmmm... I wonder if I made any spelling or grammar errors typing that...

Ed: I heard my name in there! I have a bad feeling about the word 'bajo!' What did you say about me? I NEED TO KNOW! AAAAAAAAUUGH!

Me: The reviewers will tell you, my dear Edward. But, reviewers, make sure to review even if you don't know what that means! But if you do know, be sure to enlighten Ed with the answer!

Ed: Please, just tell me!

Me: Nope! You have to wait!

Ed: -bites fingernails-

Hmmm. In other news, in English class we read a short story that had a character with a name I didn't like. ):l

The character's name was Edwin. ):ll

Sari: Hey, you know, I'm still doing autographs so please ask for one at any time! Even if Harriet forgets to write me saying this in every chapter! Just ask any time! Besides, who wouldn't want _MY_ autograph? I mean, I'm the real star of this fanfic! It's a story about a girl who falls in love with a man who _tragically_ breaks her heart constantly! Oh how dramatic!

Me: Actually, Sari, it's about Ed and me mostly.

Sari: Well... I... Um... Uh... Just SHUT UP!

Me: No. (:


	28. Raccoon Creek and Mermaids

Hi!

155 reviews. Wow.

I'm really sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've kind of been grounded for a while... Technically I'm still grounded, but my mom let me use the computer just now.

Good job Lyemi for translating the sentence! That is indeed correct.

Ed: Get on with the chapter already!

Aww, okaaay...

* * *

They all met back at building four when the tour was over. 

Magi and Sari's mom came to pick them all up so they could all go to Raccoon Creek to swim. Shari convinced her to let her bring Ryan with.

They stopped off at everyone's houses on the way to get swimsuits and such. Then they went to KFC to get some lunch.

The car pulled up to the order window.

"Make sure to get biscuits!" said Harriet, bouncing up and down in her seat.

Magi frowned. "Harriet, shut up."

So then they got the food. Then they went the rest of the way to Raccoon Creek.

Now things can actually start happening! Finally!

They all got out of the car. Ed stretched.

"So, what do we do now?" he asked, cricking his neck. It really was a long car ride.

Harriet threw Ed's swim trunks at him. "You go to the mens changing room and put on your swimsuit."

"Then what?"

"Then we're going to swim. Duh."

So they all changed into their swimsuits.

Shari and Ryan were the first out of the changing rooms.

Shari looked Ryan over. His green swimsuit stood out against his pale skin, and his brown hair was a little messed up.

"Shall we go swim?" he said, motioning towards the little beach up next to the large creek.

They walked past sunbathers lying on their towels and little kids making sand castles, slowly making their way to the water.

Shortly after they made it to the water, everyone else came running down the beach. Except for Roy, who carried a floaty rafty inflatable thingy.

Ed paused just before the water, and tiny waves lapped at his toes.

Harriet, already in the water, sighed. "Ed, just go in."

Suddenly, Sari ran up to Ed and pushed him into the water. He fell on top of Harriet.

He jumped off of her, blushing. They both glared at Sari.

Sari smiled and shrugged. "What?"

A few minutes later, Shari was sitting in the shallow water with Ryan arguing about whose skin was paler, Sari was making a sad attempt to look like a shark and freak everyone out (ever seen a shark in a stream in Pennsylvania? Didn't think so.), Magi was putting smelly mud from the deep end into a bucket, Harriet was building a sand castle out of sand and the smelly  
mud that Magi brought to her in bucketfuls, Roy was floating on his raft, Al was just swimming, and Ed was pacing in the water, trying to avoid the tiny minnows nipping his feet.

The crowd of fangirls not mentioned since chapter two applauded the fact that Ed was shirtless and wet again.

"Harriet, I need to ask you something," said Ed suddenly.

Harriet looked up. "What is it?"

"What was with that one tall guy, Jeremy I think it was? He asked if I was your boyfriend."

Harriet blushed a little. "I used to have a crush on him. But I told him too late. He already had a girlfriend. That was last year."

Ed frowned.

Harriet laughed a little. "Don't worry, Ed, I don't have a crush on him anymore. In fact, I'm happy for him. He seems happy with his girlfriend. And I know that _I'm_ happy with my boyfriend!" She added, smiling and giving Ed a hug.

Meanwhile, Shari was sneaking up on Roy. She slowly moved through the water until she was right next to the raft. Roy was asleep. Shari stood up. "SHARK ATTACK!" she yelled, flipping over the floaty raft thingy.

Roy woke up and found himself being flipped into his most hated liquid. "Noooooooooooooo!" he screamed in slo-mo. He crashed into the water. He stood up, babbling like a crazy person.

"Yay!" shouted Sari. "Crazy person!"

Everyone was starting to get really cold in the water, so they moved up onto the beach. Pretty soon, Ed and Roy were asleep on the warm sand.

Sari grinned evilly at Roy then looked at Harriet. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" she said with her 'plotting bad things' voice.

Harriet frowned. "You'd better not mean what I think you mean."

"Nonononono. It's not like that. I mean we should...(whisperwhisperwhisper)..."

Magi went looking for more mud while Shari searched for water plants washed up on the beach. Harriet, Al, and Envy I mean Ryan watched the two sleeping alchemists to be sure they didn't wake up.

The two girls arrived with the supplies and they all got to work.

Ed woke up to find there was something wet on his chest, and his legs couldn't move. "Huh?" He sat up a little bit. A peice of pondweed dangled over his eye. He then realized that his legs were under a pile of sand shaped like a tail, and there was pondweed braided into his hair. He also noticed that there was more pondweed and two shells on his chest.

The girls noticed Ed had woken up and they walked over to him.

Harriet smirked. "Have a good nap, Ed?"

"So _YOU_ did this!" he yelled.

Roy woke up at that outburst and everyone but Harriet went over there to see Roy's reaction.

Harriet pretended to be hurt by Ed's comment. "Aww, you don't like looking like a mermaid? And we all worked so hard making the tail!"

Ed frowned. Angrily.

"Hey, don't sweat it. We had our laugh. You can get up."

Ed attempted to move his legs, but they wouldn't budge.

Harriet scratched her head. "Wow, we really put a lot of sand on your legs, didn't we? Here, I'll dig you out a little." Harriet got down on her knees and dug handfuls of sand out of the fake tail. She then grabbed Ed's hand and helped him up.

Ed brushed the pondweed and sand off of himself. He then undid his braid and disentangled the rest of the pondweed from his hair. He looked around. "Where's Al?"

The crowd of fangirls interrupted again, thrilled at the idea of Ed letting his hair down.

Harriet looked around, too. "I don't see him or Magi. Wait, there they are!" She pointed towards the deep end of the swimming area.

Ed squinted. "What on earth are they doing over there?"

Harriet shaded her eyes and peered over at the two weirdos. "I think they're making out."

"It figures. And they haven't even said anything all chapter."

"Fourth wall, shorty," said Lyemi. "Whenever you break the fourth wall, I get to come here and bop you on the head!"

Lyemi bopped Ed on the head with a lobster. WTF?

"Hey!" shouted Sari. "No complete randomess! _This isn't And then And THEN! AND THEN,_ you know!"

Lyemi bopped Sari with the lobster and stepped back out of the fanfic.

* * *

So, that was chapter eight.

Don't worry, it's not going to dissolve into randomness. I was just having one of my little 'random moments.'

And Lyemi will be back.

Sari signed an autograph for Cheesey Goodness.

Sari: Hey, I'm taking Latin, too! Woot!

Me: Wow, Terra Rock, I do believe you're right! It _has_ been a while! (makes out with Ed)

Ed: (is happy)

Well anyhoo, I'm considering writing a hentai chapter for Bald Eagle as a seperate fanfic so I won't have to change the rating to M.

Ed: Hentai? What does that mean?

Me: (whispers in Ed's ear)

Ed: (blushes) WHAT?

Me: You heard me right.

Ed: Your friends will kill you.

Me: Actually, Magi and Shari like the idea.

Ed: What about Sari?

Me: She doesn't like the idea. She says it's gross. But I think it's mostly because I'm not pairing her with Roy.

Ed: What will the pairings in that chapter be?

Me: Magi/Al, Shari/Envy, and let's not forget Ed/Harriet.

Ed: (gulps)

Me: But it will focus mostly on Ed/Harriet.

Ed: (blushes very red and leaves the room)

So, anyways, r & r!


	29. Poopwater and Harmless Intentions

Hiya!

163 reviews is pretty darn good! But I bet all you reviewers can do better...

Disclaimer: Woops, forgot to put this in last chapter...

Hey, I'm at the library! Tekkoshocon 1/2 was here, but we didn't know that and we got here too late for any of the events. ):l

Oooo, I like the library computers! They work so well! Such a fast internet!

So, I now give you chapter twenty-nine!

* * *

They all ate their lunch. This was fairly uneventful, except for the fact that the stupid people at KFC had forgotten the biscuits. Also, Shari was hogging all the fries. 

Then they went back to playing in the water. Sari got bored and began to dig a hole in the sand. It was a wide hole, but not very deep, because there was concrete about a foot down. But it was definately a hole.

"Why are you digging a hole?" asked Al, walking over to the large ditch in the sand.

"I'm making a hot tub."

"What makes it a hot tub?"

"The sun."

"Um..."

"Want to help?"

"I guess so."

"Good. Go fill this bucket with water from the creek, then pour it into the hot tub."

"Okay..."

Then, Magi walked over. Sari and Al were scooping wet sand out of the bottom of the "hot tub," which was now filled with water and had reached a considerable size.

"Cool!" said Magi. "Can I help?"

Shari and Ryan walked over to help.

"Hey guys," said Sari. "Come in here and help us scoop out all this sand."

Ryan looked at the muddy water in the "hot tub." "That water is _really_ gross."

"Well too bad! you're going in anyways!" yelled Sari. She suddenly stood up and walked over to Ryan. "So, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. You choose."

Ryan started to look a little irritated. "I'm not going to wallow in that crap-brown poopwater!"

Sari smirked. "Bub, you just chose the hard way." Sari quickly pushed him over into the "hot tub."

Ryan was caught completely by surprise and did something very stupid as he fell. When the muddy water stopped splashing at everyone, the mistake was clear. Envy had changed back into himself.

"AAAAAAH! PSYCHOTIC KILLER PALM TREE!" screeched Sari, flailing her arms around.

Envy sat up and rubbed his head. "Palm tree? What palm tree?" He looked at his reflection in the water. "Oh shit! But I still have no idea what that has to do with a palm tree..."

Sari grabbed Shari's arm and yanked on it. "Shari did you know your boyfriend was a psychotic killer palm tree? Omygawd the killer palm tree will kill us all! Hey, where's Ed and Harriet?"

"Over there," said Magi, pointing into the deep end.

"They stole our idea," added Al.

Sari smirked. "You mean they're making out?"

"Argh, you _ALL_ saw that?" said Al.

"Hell-O guys, crisis at hand?" said Magi, pointing at the muddy palm tree, still sitting in the "hot tub."

Shari looked like she wanted to disappear and Envy looked like he would rather be somewhere else.

Sari began to question Shari, pacing back and forth. "Did you _know_ that Ryan was really Envy?"

"mrf..." mumbled Shari.

"What's that? Speak up," said Sari loudly.

"Yes..."

"Shari, Shari, Shari. What is _WRONG_ with you? He's supposed to be our enemy! Gargh!"

"Well, I thought maybe..."

Sari turned her suddenly piercing gaze to Envy. "You weren't gonna hurt her, were you? You better not, or else I'll-"

_"Bring him to the nightclub tonight," _said Quozl in their heads. _"We shall find out his intentions. Corky will lead Shari, who should bring Envy along blindfolded. I trust he will come quietly."

* * *

_

-Later that night...- 

At the night club, Shari sat on a bar stool nervously tapping her fingers on the table, hoping that Envy would be okay.

In a different room in the same building, a meeting was taking place. Envy, part ferret, was tied to a chair in the middle of the room. Around him was a large, circular table with small animals sitting in armchairs, including Quozl and Bacchus.

Envy could feel the minds of all the animals in his mind, probing, searching, scanning, and turning out his pockets, so to speak. Quozl was the one who spoke.

"Envy, we see your intentions are harmless and you are free to go. But eventually you _will_ have to choose sides."

* * *

So, that was chapter twenty-nine.

I'm at a different library now. I started this chapter yesterday.

Ed: It's about time that you finished it.

Sari: Wait... I think I'm lost.

Me: Well, um... you probably won't be lost anymore next chapter...

So, r & r!

Toodles! I'm off to write a Zim/Sari pairing fic now!

Sari: ):l


	30. Having Kittens and Envy's a Virgin

MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I PWN U ALL! XD! Ahem. Well.

In my honors geometry class, people jump out of windows. No, seriously. O.O

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, got it?

So, uh, here's chapter thirty. When will this fanfic end?

* * *

Shari was getting more and more anxious every minute, her black tail twitching impatiently. 

"Relax," said Corky. "Deep breaths. He's going to be fine."

"Really? I really, really hope so!" said Shari, shifting in her seat again.

"Relax!" said Corky again. "You'd think you're having kittens or something! Calm down!"

Just then, Quozl strolled into the room. "What's all this about having kittens? Who's the father? It's not Envy, he's a virgin."

"Quozl!" growled Bacchus, smacking Quozl upside the head.

"She's not having kittens, Quozl. What do you want?" said Corky.

"Aww, I was hoping she was having kittens..."

"What he means to say," said Bacchus, "Is that we have decided there is no problem whatsoever with Envy being Shari's boyfriend."

Quozl rubbed the back of his head. "Erm, yeah... That too... Heh heh..."

Envy walked out from behind the two ferrets. "What's got _you_ so worried?"

Shari jumped up from her seat and glomped Envy. "Envy! You're okay! Did they hurt you? They better've not!"

"Whoa, Shari, calm down. All I did was sit on a chair while a bunch of animals read my mind. No sweat."

Just then, something happened that Quozl would remember for the rest of his life. That was the day _she_ came to the night club.

The door burst open, and in walked the sexiest mink Quozl had ever seen. Her fur was as red as rust, and her body was slender but not malnourished. Around her waist, she wore a belt with a gun in a holster. She walked right up to Quozl and stared him in the face. For a moment, Quozl couldn't move.

"Hello," the mink said coldly. "I'm looking for colonel Quozl."

Quozl snapped out of it. "That's me," he said, pretending to tip a hat. "Who are you?"

"My name is Chink," said the mink. "I'm looking for a job in the military. I heard things were being run a little loosely here and thought I could help shape the place up a bit."

"You're hired," said Quozl immediately, gawking at the shapely creature. "Er, of course, you need to fill out some papers first. Bacchus, please help Chink with her papers."

Bacchus escorted Chink into a seperate room. As soon as the door was closed, Quozl whistled.

"Woo! What a dame!" he chuckled. "Did you see that tail? So bushy!"

Shari and Envy were still standing there. Envy twiched. "Um, well, I think we'd better get going now..."

And they left.

Quozl rubbed his chin. He needed a plan to get Chink to be his girlfriend. So, he called someone he knew would know just what to do.

* * *

At the Smith house, the phone rang. Magi picked up the phone. 

"Hello?"

_"Hello Magi, this is Quozl. May I speak to Roy for a minute?"_

"Um, couldn't you have just talked in his brain or something?"

_"..."_

"..."

_"Just give him the phone..."_

"Whatever."

* * *

That was chapter thirty. 

Okay, it was kind of pointless but whatever.

Ed: Where are _we_ through all of this?

Me: We're back at my house, asleep.

Well, I'm trying to decide whether I should wait 'till I start school in the fanfic to put in my birthday party (my birthday is actully a little after school starts), or put the birthday & party before school starts (which is a long way off in the fanfic) so that you people can read a _good_ chapter with lots of funny stuff. Also, the hentai chapter would go right after the birthday party.

Ed: I think you shouldn't wait until school starts to do the birthday party.

Sari: I think maybe you're a little more excited about the hentai chapter right after the party...

Ed: (blushes) Er... maybe... I mean no! No! Of course not! I mean, why would I be looking forward to _that_? That's ridiculous! LIES! LIES, I TELL YOU!

Sari: Riiiiiiight...

Me: That's right. You tell us lies.

Ed: That's not what I meant... (cries)

Me: Awww, don't cry! The hentai chapter will come out soon!

Ed: (cries harder and rus into different room)

Me: Okay then...

Magi and Al: (thinking about hentai chapter) (both grin)

Quozl: Yes! I can't wait to video tape it all! Er, I mean, what are you crazy teens talking about?

Me: O.o Glad you're all so enthusistic about this, but let's see what the reviewers have to say about this.


	31. Cockroaches in my pants?

'Sup, dawgs?

178 reviews! Not bad!

Well, several people including Mei Fire and Ms. Bibliophile have asked to be in the fanfic. I'm flattered that you guys want to be in the fanfic, but there's already a huge number of characters. All I can really offer are random, breif appearances for a select few. And if I think of little jobs for you, all the better. (i.e. Lyemi bops fourth-wall breakers)

Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, I think I would probably be making episodes, not fanfics. (:l

So, I now present to you chapter thirty-one! Tadaaaa!

* * *

_"Hey, Ed, you should probably go talk to Luna now," _said Quozl's voice in Ed's head. _"She's fully awake, and not particularly grumpy today."_

Ed groaned and sat up. "Now?"

_"Yes, now."_

He stood up and pulled on a pair of pants and a shirt and walked upstairs, dragging his feet on the steps. Harriet was already sitting at the table, eating breakfast.

"Morning, major bedhead," she said, grinning.

"What?"

"Nevermind. What's up?"

"Quozl told me to go talk to Luna."

"Oh."

Ed walked into Harriet's room and looked into the snake tank. Luna lazily raized her head and flicked her forked tongue.

_"Whadda you want?"_

Ed was momentarily startled by the sudden speech in his head, but then calmed down. "Quozl told me to talk to you about the whole trying to hold you and you shitting all over my arm and biting me business."

_"Yeah, about that, I just don't like being handled. But Fluffy wants to be held. Go hold her."_

_"Yeah!"_ Fluffy's head peeked up next to Luna's. Her head was almost twice the size of Luna's.

"But she'll bite me!"

_"No I won't. Why would I do that?"_

"Well, you're enormous if you don't mind me saying that. Why would you be tamer than Luna? You're twice her size!"

_"That really means nothing. There are plenty of small humans that aren't as calm as some larger humans. For example, Roy is a bit calmer than you are, Ed, and he's at least twice your size. And I'm bigger and calmer than Luna."_

"You do have a point there... BUT I'M NOT THAT SMALL!"

_"Says you. Anyways, are you going to hold me or not?"_

"Well, I guess I will..." Ed got up on the stool and took off the tank cover. "So, um, what do I do now?" he asked.

_"Slide your right hand under the middle of my belly. Then, lift me up and put your left hand a few inches in front of your right. When I move, switch the hand in back to the front. Simple enough?"_

"Okay." Ed did as drected.

_"Now you can lift me out of the tank."_

"Roger," said Ed.

_"My name is Fluffy, you dunce."_

"Nevermind." Ed lifted Fluffy out of the cage and went out into the hallway.

_"Ah, it's so nice to get some fresh air!" _Fluffy flicked her tongue in the air at everything around her.

"Hey, Ed! how are you getting along with the snakes?" asked Harriet as Ed walked into the living room. Then Harriet saw Fluffy. "Looks like it's going well."

Edward felt something moving in his hair. "Fluffy, what are you doing?" he whimpered.

_"Relax, I'm just tunneling in your hair. It smells good."_ Fluffy's head peeked up on top of Ed's head. _"This is really comfortable. Please don't move."_

Harriet started laughing a little bit.

Ed frowned. "What's so funny?"

Harriet giggled and pointed at Ed. "Your (giggle) face! You should (giggle) see the look on your face! You look like you think you have (giggle) cockroaches on your (giggle) pants or (giggle) something! (giggle giggle giggle)"

"Cockroaches in my pants?" said Ed, wrinkling his nose. "How much candy did you eat for breakfast?'

"Errr... Five lollipops. But only five."

"FIVE?"

"But only five! And they were just those little dum dum lollipops."

Ed slapped his hand to his head. "Five... She ate five of them..."

* * *

So, that was chapter thirty-one! 

Fluffy actually _DOES_ get herself tangled in my hair when I have it in a pony tail. She even gets her little head up on tiop of mine! It's so cute! But it does feel really weird, because I have absolutely no idea what she's doing to the back of my head. She could be biting me for crying out loud!

Wasn't it so speshul? (:B :P

Ed: Well, that's one word for it...

Me: I think we need to have a little chat about the upcoming hentai chapter.

Ed: Ho boy... (tries to leave)

Me: (stops him from leaving) No, we REALLY need to talk about this.

Ed: sigh

Me: What happens in that chapter happens. Don't worry about it. And just to let you know, I'm looking forward to it, too.

Ed: Really?

Me: (nods) It's okay to look forward to the hentai chapter.

Ed: (:

So, r & r!

Toodles!


	32. DDR!

Moop poop! Yaaaaaay! Ahem. (:l

188 reviews! Just faaaaaabulous! But there's always room for more!

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Oh blat! I lost the whole freakin' chapter! I HAVE TO WRITE THE WHOLE THING AGAIN! l:(

Here's chapter thirty-two!

* * *

Just then, the phone rang. Harriet answered it. 

"Hello? yeah, sure, just a minute. Ed, it's for you!"

Ed put the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

_  
"Yo, Ed! this is Sari!"_

"Um, hi, Sari. What's up?"

_"Ed, Harriet's birthday is coming up really soon. Al and Magi and Shari and Ryan and me are going to the mall to get her some presents. Wanna come?"_

"I didn't know it was coming up that soon! Yeah, I'd like to come. But what about Harriet?"

_"I guess we could drop off Roy at Harriet's house to keep an eye on her while we shop."_

"Ok, I'll go ask her if that's ok."

_"All right, just don't tell her why we're going shopping unless she figures out by herself."_

Ed turned to Harriet. "Harriet, can I-"

"Yes," said Harriet. "I know where you're going, but that won't ruin any surprises for me. Have fun."

Ed went back to the phone. "She figured it out, but I can come."

_"Ok, good then. We'll be over there in an hour."_ Sari hung up the phone.

Ed looked at the wireless phone, tryong to figure out what button to push.

"It's this one," said Harriet, pointing at the largest button.

"Oh. Right. Heh heh, I knew that... So, what should we do for the next hour?'

Harriet went to the closet and pulled out two mats and dragged them over to the tv. She plugged them into a little black box (a PS2 for your information), then took a little disc out of a smaller box, putting it into the same black box the mats were plugged into.

If you don't know what i'm talking about, then shame on you. (:l

"Um, what are you doing?" asked ed, scratching his head.

"DDR," said Harriet simply.

"Oh..." said Ed. "What's 'DDR?'"

"It stands for 'Dance Dance Revolution.' It's a video game where you step on the arrows on the pad when the same arrows on the screen get to a certain point on the screen."

Ed scratched his head again. "I'm not sure I follow..."

Harriet shrugged. "Just watch, okay?" She pressed a button on the box and turned the tv on. The game started up.

She chose light mode (yeah, I'm pathetic... l:P But I do sometimes play standard mode...), and the game started.

Ed watched in amazement as Harriet stepped on the arrows on the mat as arrows went across the screen while music played.

Harriet did three songs, and finished the game. She stepped off of the mat. "You want to try?"

Ed nodded. "Sure." he walked over and stepped onto the pad. He stepped on the 'X,' like he saw Harriet do, to start the game.

"Um, Ed," said Harriet. "Are you sure you don't want to do the tutorial first?"

"Nah, this looks easy!"

"Okaaaaay..."

-1 song later-

"Whaaaat? Game over? How did I get game over?"

"You completely wiped out on Cutie Chaser, that's how."

"But- but it looked so easy when you did it!"

"I've been playing that game for months. You've been playing for minutes. What did you expect? _I_ took the tutorial at first, you know."

"D'oh..."

There was a knock at the door, then Magi and Sari barged into the house in their usual manner, but with roy coming in behind them.

"Hey, guys!" said Sari.

* * *

That was chapter thirty-two. 

Ed: So, when's the hentai chapter?

Me: Right after the birthday party chapter.

Ed: And that's soon, right?

Me: -,- Yes, Ed, that's soon. Glad you're looking forward to it.

Sari: Dude, Ed is starting to get really creepy in these author's notes...

Me: I think I noticed.

Ed: What do you guys mean by that? And Harriet, why aren't you writing the next chapter yet?

Me: Because I'm still writing this chapter...

Ed: Er, yes, i knew that...

Me: -,-;

Toodles!


	33. Stop molesting kitties? Oo

Hiya!

198 reviews! Wowies!

Disclaimer: EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA! Um, I mean I don't own FMA...

WAFFLES! And that's all I have to say about that.

And here is yet another funderful chapter, chapter thirty-three! Meep!

* * *

Roy stepped on arrow after arrow, grinning. "Heh, there's nothing to this game! The reason Fullmetal had so much trouble with it is because of his tiny little legs! Hahahahahaha! His tiny legs! Heeheeheeheeheehee!" 

Harriet looked up from her book, her eyebrow raised. "How much candy and ice cream do the Smith girls feed you?"

Roy shrugged and looked back at the screen. "No idea."

* * *

Meanwhile, Magi, Sari, Shari, "Ryan," Al, and Edward walked into South Park Mall through the food court entrance(for anyone who knows where South Park Mall is). 

The first store they went to was Hot Topic. (which is very, very close to the food court entrance btw, in fact the first actual store on the right)

Terra Rock suddenly walked up to Ryan and poked him in the chest. "Stop molesting kitties, or I'll sic my Alphonse plushie on you and he will eat your brains!" she said, then promptly evaporated.

Ms. Bibliophile and Mei Fire made squeals of approval, then also vanished.

Ryan scratched his head. "Um, I don't molest kitties, mysteriously random evaporating crazy person."

Shari spied a certain t-shirt and squealed, huggling it.

Sari frowned. "We're here to find presents for _Harriet_, not you, Shari."

"Awww... but I already bought a present for her..."

"Then why'd you come with?"

Shari ignored her. "Say, Ryan..."

Ryan turned away from a rack of very graphic t-shirts. "Yes?"

"I really like this t-shirt."

"That's nice."

Shari frowned and stopped squeazing the Captain Jack Sparrow shirt.

Magi and Sari chose their gifts, bought them, and left Hot Topic.

They passed by another store. Ed looked at the posters. One of them said "Perfect gift idea for your girlfriend's birthday!" and there was a picture of a happy-looking girl opening a box and smiling warmly as a guy watched over her shoulder, looking pleased with himself.

Ed began to walk into the store. Magi, Sari, and Shari immediately grabbed Ed by the back of his shirt to keep him from going in.

"Huh?" said Ed. "What's wrong with you?"

Sari giggled. "Ed, somehow I don't think Harriet would appreciate something from Victoria's Secret."

"Huh? Why?"

Everyone was silent for a moment. Finally, Magi spoke up. "Well, it's just... undergarments are a very _awkward_ gift and she might take it the wrong way."

"Oh." It took a while for this to sink in completely. "_Oh!_ Ummm... er, I guess not that then..."

The rest of the shopping trip was fairly uneventful, and Ed eventually chose a gift.

* * *

The front door opened, Ed walked in, and Roy walked out. 

Ed looked around to find out where Harriet was so he could sneak past and hide the present without being seen by her.

Harriet was asleep on the couch, with a book called "How to Draw Manga" lying open upside down on her chest and a sketchbook tucked under her arm.

Ed tiptoed through the living room past the couch and went into the basement to hide the gift. (hahaha, I just imagined Ed tiptoeing! Funniness and hilarity!)

Quozl snickered. "So, you almost bought her underwear?"

"Shut up," grumbled Ed. He then went back upstairs.

Ed looked at Harriet again, and was suddenly curious as to what she was drawing. He tried to pick up the sketchbook, but Harriet stirred in her sleep a little. "Mmrf... marshmallows..."

He looked around for a similar-sized book, and found a book about snakes.

Focusing carefully, Edward snatched the sketchbook and replaced it with the snake book immediately. Harriet didn't even move.

He began to open the sketchbook, and the first page was soon visible...

* * *

And that was chapter thirty-three! 

Mwahahahaha! Cliffy! (:l

Me: (drawing something in sketchbook; don't worry it's not the thing Ed sees in the actual fanfic)

Sari: Whatcha drawin'? (looks over my shoulder) Harriet, y'know...

Magi: What's going on? (looks at drawing) What is WRONG with you?

Shari: (sees drawing) Oh my.

Me: (finishes drawing picture, rips page out of sketchbook, and hands page to Ed)

Everyone but me and Ed: DX

Sari: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

Me: Do what?

Sari: Draw... _THAT_... And then give it to _HIM_?

Me: Oh, yes, that. Well, as you know, Ed has been a little overenthusiastic about the hentai chapter lately. And he kept talking about what position we should do-

Sari: EEEEEEEEEEEW!

Me:-so then I told him to stop talking about it and just draw pictures or something, so he did, but then he kept showing me the pictures and they were horribly drawn, Ed not having much in the way of artistic talent, so they looked horribly deformed and that fact was more disturbing than the subject of the pictures, and I told him to stop drawing them, and he said he'd stop only under one condition: if _I_ would draw them instead. So now _I'm_ drawing them.

Ed: (compares several pictures drawn by me; drools O.o)

Sari: -,- You know, that's really weird.

Me: Yeah, but the pictures _are_ fun to draw...

Sari: O.o

Well, please R & R!

Noodles!


	34. Sketchbook and Waffles

Moopers!

205 reviews! How amazing! Just went over the big 2-0-0!

D'oh! Last chapter, I said that the mall was called South Park Mall. It just hit me today that that's not correct. It's actually South Hills Village Mall. Sorry for confusing other confused people! (:P)

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

So, I now present chapter thirty-four!

* * *

Ed stared at the page in disbeleif. There, drawn in black and white, was a drawing of him, with a sentence next to it saying "My first drawing of Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist." 

The drawing had a few mistakes and looked a little disformed, but it was pretty well drawn. Next to that, there was a drawing of a random badger.

_WTF?_ thought Ed.

He turned the page. This drawing simply said underneath it, "Ed the cat." Ed turned to the next page. This one was a page of random drawings clearly made by Sari. On the next page, there was another drawing of him. The next three pages were also obviously doodled by Sari. Then a drawing of a dragon, and more Sari doodles. Ed giggled a little when he turned to the next page, which had a drawing of him standing next to Sari, who was standing on a stool but was still shorter than him. The next page was just flowers, and the next was several doodled faces. After that, there were drawings of Harriet's fish, then a drawing of Bacchus. The next drawing looked like she had tried to draw an anime girl, but then scribbled it out. The next picture was another badger, then chibi people, then a drawing of two lizard girls. The next page was just pictures of him again...

Ed skipped forward to the most recent drawing. It was a half-finished drawing of him.

Suddenly, Ms. Bibliophile glomped Ed then disappeared. Ed fell to the floor with a thump, and Harriet woke up and yawned, smiled when she saw ed, then frowned when she saw that Ed had her sketchbook.

"WHATAREYOUDOINGWITHMYSKETCHBOOK?" she yelled.

Ed immediately surrendered the sketchbook. "Nothing! Geez!"

Harriet snatched the sketchbook and held it close to herself, then stood up to take it to her room. Ed just sat on the couch, feeling stupid.

* * *

-Next day...- 

"Do you think this is enough light for it?" asked Ed.

"Looks all right, brother."

"Good."

Harriet opened the door. "What are you two talking about down there?"

"Nothing!" said Ed quickly.

"Riiiiiight... Well, Skyler made waffles. You guys going to have some?"

Ed nodded, but then realized that Harriet couldn't see him from where she was. "Yeah, we'll be up in a minute!"

Ed draped a blanket over a small object and a light bulb, then went upstairs after Al.

Ed was soon gulping mouthfuls of waffle, and Skyler walked past. "Explosive diarrhea," he murmured.

Ed stopped chewing, slowly swallowed that bite, turned a little bit green, and pushed his plate away. "I don't think I'm hungry anymore."

Harriet shot a stern look at Skyler, promising him that she would later kick his ass so hard that his poop would go backwards through his digestive system and come out of his mouth.

Yucko.

Skyler let out a scared little "Eeep!" and quickly left the room. Then Al went downstairs.

And Ed and Harriet were left alone in the same room.

* * *

That was chapter thirty-four.

Ed: Are you writing the hentai chapter next?

Me: No. After the party.

Ed: When is the party?

Me: The same day as the second part of this chapter.

Ed: Squee! (runs around in circles happily)

Me: Go do that somewhere else. I need to think.

Ed: Okey-dokey! (turns to leave)

Me: Wait...

Ed: Yes?

Me: You need to calm down and stop talking about the hentai chapter, or I won't feel up to writing it. You're creeping me and everyone else out.

Ed: I'm sorry... I'll stop...

Me: In the author's note of that chapter, you can talk about it all you want, but for now...

Ed: I understand.

Sari: You got him to shut up? Finally!

Me: (kisses Ed)

Sari: -,- You're not paying attention to me at all, are you?

Remember to review!

Toodles!


	35. Youtube and Parteh Time!

Meep!

213 reviews is FAAAAN-tabulous!

Disclaimer: I don't own fma.

And this is chapter thirty-five!

* * *

Harriet got up from the table and sat down at the computer. 

She grinned. "Ed, I have to show you something completely hilarious. It's called 'Youtube.'"

Ed walked over and looked over Harriet's shoulder. Harriet brought up the website and typed "fma waka laka" in the search bar.

The page loaded and Harriet scrolled down then clicked on one of the links.

And then the music started.

Ed's mouth dropped open. It was crazy. It was high-pitched and repetitive. The singing was so fast he could barely understand any of the words. And he loved every note of it.

(heh heh, I'm actually listening to the waka laka song right now! It ROCKS! l:D)

Next, Harriet searched "Ed hates FMA yaoi fangirls." And played it ten times. OMG. Because it is teh funniest shit ever. XD

Next came "Fullmetal Idiot Episode 1," then ""I Touch Myself" Envy Style" and by the end of that, both Harriet and Ed were laughing so hard that they couldn't breathe. (btw Ed's eyes were closed so he didn't see when the part came on where Envy kills him, lol otherwise it would probably make him very emo. But he did see when Envy got a cheap shot. O.O Ouchies. btw I'm listening to this right now! XD)

And then the phone rang.

Harriet picked up the phone. "Hello?"

_"Hi!"_

"Hi!"

_"Hi!"_

"Hi!"

_"Yo!"_

"Hiya!"

_"Hi."_

"Hi. So, Sari, whaddaya want?"

_"Um... wait... uh.. Oh yeah! What time does your party start again?"_

"Five O'clock. Remember, it's a sleepover, so bring your pajamas and sleeping bags."

_"Wow, that's five hours from now! So... whaddaya doin'? I wasn't _interrupting_ anything, was I?"_

"Ed and I were just-"

_"EEEEEEEEWWW!"_

"-watching stuff on Youtube. Sari, you scare me sometimes. How much SUGAR did you eat today?"

_"Ummmm... Only three bowls?"_

"..."

_"So."_

"So?"

_"Happy birthday. And as the birthday girl, you have the privelige of entertaining me!"_

"Sigh. Well, I could turn on the waka laka song..."

_"Squeeeeeeeeee!"_

* * *

-Five hours later...- 

Magi and Sari barged into the house with all their crap.

Magi grinned. "Yes, we _do_ own the place." (yes, she really says that.) Al got up from the couch, where he had been reading Cromartie High School, and hugged Magi.

Then, Shari and Ryan walked through the door.

Ryan turned into Envy as soon as the door was closed, then stretched and cricked his neck. "Aaaaah... much better."

Everyone just stood there, until Al finally spoke up. "So, what do we do now?"

Harriet's face broke into a nutty grin. "Now we PARTY!!!!!"

She put a cd into the cd player and the waka laka song started up. Everyone cheered.

They all danced, then ate a pineapple-anchovy-suasage pizza from Ya Ya's (a better combination than you might think! Actually very delicious; try it some time!).

Next, Harriet opened her presents. First, she opened the gift from Shari. It was a book about aquarium fish. Next, she opened the one from Magi and sari, which turned out to be a fma necklace and wristband. When she opened the gift Ed gave her, she unwrapped a beautiful, fernlike water plant that branched out delicately. She gasped.

"Ed, thank you so much! I've always wanted a Windelov's Java fern!" (if you google image search that, you can see how cool looking it really is!)

And then Skyler carried a cake with 14 candles on it into the room, and Harriet blew out the candles, then they ate cake. For a stupid little brother, Skyler is an excellent cook! (and that's no joke!)

Skyler went to bed because it was his beddy-bye time.

So everyone was full of sugar-loaded cake. And that's when the party _really_ started!

Magi cleared off the table, and Sari began to break dance to the Numa Numa song on the kitchen table. O.o

Everyone else either danced crazily or watched Sari break dancing. Suddenly, Sari noticed a broom leaning against the wall.

"Omygawsh! A broom! Gimme!"

Harriet tossed Sari the broom, and she began to dance with it and sing into it like a microphone.

"Hallo! Salut!" she sang.

And when the beer song came on, she danced even faster.

-1 hour later-

Everyone was slowing down now, and nobody was standing up.

Ed, Harriet, Envy, Al, and Magi were sprawled across the couch, and Shari and Sari were stretched out on their sleeping bags on the floor, having a very strange discussion.

"I want to see a chicken eat ham," said Sari.

"Whoa!" said Shari. "Me too!"

"Yeah. Now it's going to be, like, my lifelong goal to see a chicken eat ham, y'know? Yeah..."

"Mmm-hmm."

"Hmm," said Sari. "Ugh... Nargh... I wanna make out with a laundry basket..."

"WHAT THE?" shouted Harriet and Shari at the same time.

"Merp... I dunno..."

Shari looked thoughtful for a moment. "Chipmunk," she proclaimed matter-of-factly.

Everyone was silent for a few minutes.

Al rubbed his head. "Hey, I haven't had any lines for a reeeeeaaally long ti-"

He was cut short by Lyemi bonking him on the head with a lobster. "Thought you could get away with it, huh? THINK AGAIN! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Moop. l:P" she shouted, then disappeared.

So then everyone fell asleep. Yes I know, lousy way to end a chapter but- oh look I found a penny! Merp! Heh heh!

* * *

So that was chapter thirty-five! 

Next I will write the hentai chapter! WOOT!

When I write it, you will find it listed as a seperate fanfic entitled "Chapter Thirty-Five and a Half!"

Ed: I love the waka laka song!

Me: Of course you do! Doesn't everyone else?

Anyhoo, please review! Teehee a rhyme.

Toodles! And noodles! And toad stools! Moop! l:P


	36. Muffins

Hello!

5 reviews for the hentai chapter... Hmm, I was expecting a little more than that...

Sorry for not updating for so long! Writing the hentai chapter really wiped me out. It was so friggin' hard to write!

I should write another hentai chapter some time. Maybe that one will be more... descriptive. O.o I _was_ going to make chapter thirty five and a half more descriptive, but I was unable to write like that.

It took like half an hour to write the one _slightly_ descriptive part! (and it was only a sentence long... -,-)

Sigh. Maybe next time.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

So, here's chapter thirty-six!

* * *

Harriet opened her eyes and looked around the room. 

Amid the lumpy sleeping bags, popcorn, candy wrappers, and wrapping paper lay strewn across the floor.

She chuckled. "We're all slobs. Lazy, lumpy, messy slobs." She poked one of the sleeping bags, and it squirmed.

"Mrrrrmmph... I don't wanna hamster..." mumbled Magi, squirming away from the poker and bumping into another sleeping bag.

This next sleeping bag thrashed around violently, bumping into two others. "TEDDY BEARS! NOOOOOOOO!"

Harriet fell backwards, startled by Envy's outburst, and landed on Al; meanwhile, Sari and Ed were rubbing bruises and cursing at Envy.

Al sat up and coughed weakly, the wind knocked out of him.

Shari snored and rolled off the couch and onto Sari, adding chaos to the confusion already present.

After several bouts of shouting, swearing, and fighting, they all concluded that putting the sleeping bags so close together was a bad idea.

Magi looked at Harriet and frowned, scratching her chin. "Harriet, your pajamas look kind of... poofy."

"What?" Harriet felt all over her pajamas and frowned. "Wait a minute, I don't wear boxer shorts! What the heck is going on?"

Sari smirked. "Don't you remember when we went to the night club last night?"

"What are you talking about? We never went anywhere last night!"

"What are _you_ talking about? We definitely went to the night club! I break danced all night! But you guys went to bed early."

Harriet shook her head. "Sari, you were just dreaming. Can't you tell the difference between a dream and reality?"

Sari teared up. "It wasn't a dream! Besides, how else can you explain wearing Ed's underwear?"

Harriet freaked out. "_Ed's_ underwear?! What makes you so sure that this is Ed's underwear? And besides, what does the underwear have to do with the night club?"

"Quozl told his men to switch the underwear when they put your clothes on you guys."

Envy smirked. "I guess that would explain why I'm wearing panties. I usually go commando."

Awkward silence.

Harriet grimaced. "And why did they have to put our clothes on for us?"

"You were asleep."

"No, I mean, why did they have to put them on in the first place? Were we not... wearing... any?"

Sari frowned. "Don't you remember?"

"NO!"

"All right, all right, geez... When all you guys went through the door, your clothes didn't shrink with you. Mine did, though."

Another awkward silence.

"You mean to tell me we stayed at the night club all night... NAKED?"

Sari shrugged. "Well, yeah. At least you guys got some sleep. I stayed up."

"There isn't a place to sleep at the night club!"

"Yes there is. Quozl said he had some rooms somewhere."

Suddenly, a thought struck Harriet. "Oh no... what if..." She didn't finish.

Sari cocked an eyebrow. "What if what?"

Edward gasped.

"I think it's time to pay Quozl a little visit," snarled Harriet.

They all stormed down the steps into the basement.

Quozl sighed. "I knew I should've wiped Sari's memory too..."

Harriet opened the cage and picked Quozl up by the scruff of his neck. "What the hell happened last night?" she hissed through her teeth.

Quozl smirked. "Very well. Let's go to the night club, and I'll show you a tape."

* * *

-at the night club- 

Quozl pointed to three screens. "I will now show you the survailence tapes from last night. This screen here will show Harriet and Ed's room, this one will show Shari and Envy's room, and this one will show Magi and Al's room. There's no sound, though." He pushed a button, and the tapes started.

Staring at the screen, Magi was as pale as a rotten pumpkin and Al looked like someone was punching him in the stomach. Shari actually had some color in her skin for once and Envy looked like he was proud of himself and about to throw up at the same time. Ed looked like he was about to faint, and Harriet sat in her chair with her knees pulled up to her chin, rocking back and forth.

After the first ten minutes or so, Quozl paused the tapes and grinned. "So, as you can see, you all had a little _fun_ last night. Any questions?"

Ed fainted.

Harriet fought against the sick feeling in her stomach and managed to speak. "Y-you idiot! I could've gotten pregnant or something!"

Quozl shook his head. "Humans can't get pregnant here. By the way, do you all want your memories back? They're not actually _erased_, persay. They're just filed away deep inside your minds, and you can get them back if you know how. Oh, somebody wake up Edward. He needs to choose, too."

Nobody moved.

Quozl sighed and picked up a huge bucket of milk. (COW milk, so don't be getting any weird ideas XP) "I really didn't want to have to do this, but..."

He poured the entire contents of the bucket over Edward's head. "Wakey wakey, short stuff."

As the white liquid splashed over his face, Ed spluttered, choked, and gagged violently. "What the hell?! $#&$!"

Quozl smirked. "So, Fullmetal, do you want your memories from last night back, or do you just want to forget it ever happened? The same goes for the rest of you, too. Do you or don't you? And don't worry about Sari; right now she thinks she's in muffin land."

Sari walked into the room and glomped Quozl. "It's the muffin man! Yaaaaaaay muffins!" She stumbled drunkenly out of the room.

Magi and Al raised their hands. "We wanna forget," said Magi.

Shari held Envy's hand up. "Us too!"

"Speak for yourself," grumbled Envy.

"Muffins!" said Sari, stumbling through the door again. She leaned on Quozl. "Yeah, I'll take a deep fried muffin with muffin sauce and a side of muffin chips. To go, please."

Quozl handed Sari a hamburger he found in his pocket. "That'll be four muffin tokens, please."

Sari slapped "invisible" money into Quozl's paw. "Thank you for the muffin..." She then ate the hamburger in one gulp.

"I'll have another please..." she then fell on the floor in a daze. "Muffins..." she purred bizzarely, rolling around on the floor.

Quozl rolled his eyes. "Well, where were we..."

Harriet looked at Sari, who was now foaming at the mouth. "What did you _do_ to her?"

Quozl shrugged. "Nothing. Anyhoo..."

Harriet scooted her chair away from Sari, and bumped into Edward. He jumped out out of his chair like a cat that had just been sat upon.

Quozl grinned widely. "Oh yes. You two were going to decide if you wanted to remember or not."

Harriet rubbed her face. "This is a really hard question... I'm tempted to just forget, like it never even happened. But no matter what, it _did_ happen and there's nothing I can do or say to change that. I guess I do want to remember, just so I can know the whole story." She turned to Ed. "You should make your own decision, Ed. If you don't want to remember, you don't have to."

"Soap opera," coughed Quozl.

"Shut up."

"No. Anyhoo, Ed still needs to choose. Well, Ed?"

* * *

So, that was chapter thirty-six! 

Mwahahaha! Cliffy! I am so evil! l:D

Ed: What to decide... Gargh!

Me: Well, in the meantime... (kisses Ed)

Sari: I like muffins.

Ed and Me: (start taking off clothes)

Sari: O.o (leaves as fast as she can) My eyes!!!!

Yes, I am officially messed up.

Toodles!


	37. Did you like it?

Wassup?

I now have 268 reviews!

I looked through the reviews for this fic, and discovered that chapters 22, 27, and 33 had the most reviews, all with 10 reviews each. What is up with that?

Disclaimer: I don't own fma.

So, here is chapter thirty-seven!

* * *

Ed scratched his head. "I guess so. I don't really have the greatest reason ever, but-" 

"What _is_ your reason?" asked Harriet.

Ed blushed. "No, you really don't want to know."

"Just tell, Ed."

"But-"

"Just say it!"

"I just want to know... you know..."

"No, I don't know. Well?"

"I... just want to know what it was like," blurted Ed.

Harriet shrugged. "That's not a bad reason to remember. To tell the truth, that's one of my reasons, too."

Quozl grinned. "So then it's settled! Sorry, Envy. If you remember and Shari doesn't, it could cause some problems."

Envy frowned. "Darn..."

Bacchus led Al, Sari (who was still ranting about muffins O.o), Magi, Envy, and Shari out of the room.

The room was silent for a few moments.

"So, are you ready to dig out those memories?" asked Quozl.

"Yeah," said Ed, "But how do we do that?"

Quozl glared at him. "I will tell you, you impatient little bean."

"BEAN?!"

"Yes, _bean_."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

Harriet grabbed the back of Ed's coat to keep him from jumping up and strangling the grinning ferret.

"As I was saying," continued Quozl, "You must simply reach into the part of your mind where I stashed the memories. Being part ferret will be very helpful when it comes to this."

"Wait a moment!" said Harriet. "I didn't know being part ferret would give us mind powers too!"

Quozl burst out laughjing. "Of course it does, silly human! By the way, those mind powers are also useful for... _certain things_. Remember that next time." He winked, making both Harriet and Ed extremely uneasy, wondering what exactly he meant by that.

"Anyways, the memories should be stored wherever you put your forgotten dreams. You should easily be able to locate the correct thing."

Harriet closed her eyes and concentrated. She poked and prodded through her own mind, searching for the lost memory. at last, she found it filed between two tantalizingly graphic dreams she barely recognized as even being her own. She mentally grabbed it and brought it to the front of her mind, and she remembered all the events that had happened the night before.

She opened her eyes to find that she had fallen out of her chair. "What the hell was _THAT_?" she stammered.

Quozl smirked. "You'll get used to it eventually. Finally you see how inferior your puny human brain really is! Mwahahahahaha!"

"Stop acting like Invader Zim, Quozl. It's seriously creeping me out!" She looked over at Ed, who was slumped over in his chair, glassy-eyed and drooling a little bit. "Is he okay?"

"Don't worry about it. You looked exactly the same just a minute ago."

Silence.

Harriet sat back in her chair, thinking about the memory she had just pulled out.

_So, it actually was partly our choice..._

She thought about how she had stroked his soft fur, how they had embraced, how they pressed so close together, how they-

Ed suddenly snored.

If it had been an anime, Harriet would've sweat dropped.

"I think he's asleep..." She poked Ed. "Yo, you all right?"

Ed suddenly jumped out of his chair, obviously shaken. "Gagh!"

Quozl smirked. "So, did you find it?"

Ed rubbed his eyes. "Yeah."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Did you like it?"

Ed blushed, averted his eyes, made a weak strangled noise, then managed to mumble "Well, yeah..."

"Good! Well, it would be best that you leave now. Buh-bye!" Quozl pushed them both out of the room, then grinned sickly at them. "Unless you two want to go to that nice little bedroom again before you leave..." He chuckled inwardly at the expressions on their faces. "No? Okay then."

Bacchus led the two to the door. Before the left, he stopped them for a moment. "Please excuse my big brother. I'm sure he didn't mean to harm or distress either one of you."

Harriet and Ed began their walk home, eyes on the ground.

Harriet finally spoke. "I kind of feel confused, upset, happy, sad, sick, angry, sorry, and even a little bit... umm... turned on. Oh damn, that did not come out right at all..." She blushed and looked away.

"It's probably a better idea to not say anything right now," said Ed glumly.

"Probably," agreed Harriet.

* * *

So, that was chapter thirty-seven! 

What'd you think? Review!

Ed: ...turned on? erm... O.O

Me: Look, I couldn't find any less... vulgar... way to put it. Would it really be any better if I had said "horny" or something like that? Well?

Ed: O.o All right, I think I'm going to go dump cold water over my head...

Me: Okay, sorry, _baaaaaad_ discussion...

Gardell: Nonono, I want to see where this conversation is going...

Ed: O.o

Me: O.o

Gardell: (;

Well, please review!

Toodles!


	38. Chobits?

Hello!

284 reviews! Wowie!

And hey, chapter 37 has 10 reviews!

Watching Chobits right before writing has proven to be a very bad idea. XD Maybe this chapter will be less disturbing.

But there's really no guarantee. XD

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

So, here is chapter thirty-eight.

* * *

When Ed and Harriet arrived back at the house, Magi and Al were back in their sleeping bags, but there was no sign of Shari or Envy. 

Ed looked down and saw Quozl tugging at his pant leg. "Hey! Ed!"

Harriet picked Quozl up by the scruff of the neck. "Where are they?"

"Where are who?"

"You know who, Quozl."

"You mean Shari and Envy?"

"Yes. Where are they? Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it."

Quozl grinned. "Don't worry about them. Shari changed her mind, and they're both back at the night club. They'll be back in an hour or two. And those two over there won't wake up until then," he added, pointing at Magi and Al. "In the meantime, I'll be in the basement." Quozl wriggled out of Harriet's grasp and fell to the floor. "See you two later," he said, heading downstairs.

Ed scratched his head. "What're we supposed to do for two whole hours?"

Awkward silence.

"Erm... Eh heh... Oh! Just remembered something!" said Harriet suddenly.

"What?"

"Magi and Sari told me about some anime show called 'Chobits.' They say it's really cool." She sat down at the computer and brought up YouTube, then searched "chobits episode 1."

So, they watched Chobits.

The theme song is just so cool! XD Ahem. Anyways, back to the fanfic.

By the end of the episode, they both had blushed as red as overripe tomatoes.

"Next episode?" mumbled Harriet.

Ed nodded.

Ha ha. Chobits is addictive.

And so, Harriet and Ed watched Chobits for two hours. And then Magi, Sari, and Al woke up.

Sari rubbed her eyes, then frowned at Ed and Harriet. "What are you guys doing? You're as red as Commander Julius Root!" She stood up and looked over Harriet's shoulder at the screen. "Oh, you're watching Chobits. Isn't it... interesting?"

Ed and Harriet nodded.

"Ha, you're watching that episode with the panties! Isn't it funny?"

On the computer screen, Chii walked down the street saying "Underpants! Underpants!" over and over again.

Magi laughed. "Hahahaha, I remember that one! This next part is really funny!"

On the computer, the wind blew two girls' skirts up, and Chii said "Underpants!" and walked over to them. She kneeled on the ground and pointed up the skirt of one of the girls. "Underpants!"

Sari frowned. "How many episodes did you watch? It's not _healthy_ to watch so many in one sitting."

"No kidding," mumbled Harriet.

Sari frowned at Ed. "Dude, what is _up_ with your pants? Maybe you should stop watching this."

Ed suddenly ran to go hide in the basement.

Sari shook her head. "Poor, poor Ed. But seriously, Harriet, I think _you_ should stop watching Chobits, too."

* * *

And that was chapter thirty-eight. 

Okay, that was messed up. Very messed up. But believe it or not, I did not watch Chobits before or during writing this chaper.

Chobits is definately one of those shows that proves that Japanese people are messed up. XD But it's not as messed up as some of the other anime shows I've seen at anime club. Aaaaauugh, my eeeeyyyyyyyeeessss!

But seriously, I _love_ the underpants episode! X)

Ed: What was _Sari_ doing looking at my pants?

Me: That's what _I_ want to know. Sari?

Sari: I wasn't looking there _on purpose!_ It just kinda... _stuck out_.

Me: O.o Lovely word choice there, Sari. Just lovely.

Sari: O.O I can see what you mean there... woops...

Ed: Can we change the subject already?!

Gardell: No.

Everyone else: O.o

If you want to know what the whole Gardell thing is about, search "Gardell" on deviantart. Read the comics. You will understand. Whether you want to or not. XD

Review! Please!

Toodles!


	39. Severe Mood Swings

WOOOOOOOOT!

294 reviews!

Disclaimer: I don't own fma.

Waaaaaaah I'm perverted! sob...

Here is chapter thirty-nine.

* * *

Harriet buried her face in her pillow and gritted her teeth. "Grrrrrrrggh, I'm going slowly insane... What the hell is wrong with Magi and Sari?! That show is so messed up it makes Michael Jackson look sane!" 

In the basement, Ed was in his sleeping bag with the top pulled up over his head. "Did Sari really _have_ to point that out? DAMMIT!" He tried to take a nap, thinking that might help him calm down, but scenes from Chobits played over and over in his head and he knew that if he fell asleep he would have... very _strange_ dreams.

In the living room, Magi was yelling at her little sister. "SARI! WHY THE CRAP DID YOU SAY THAT TO ED?! IT'S LIKE THAT ONE SCENE FROM CHOBITS WHERE CHII SAYS 'HIDEKI IS ENERGETIC HERE!' YOU JUST DON'T SAY THAT KIND OF STUFF! WHY DID YOU SAY IT?!"

Sari shrugged. "I dunno."

Back in her room, Harriet began to absentmindedly doodle in her sketchbook. In a few minutes, the page was covered in cat-girls, stick people, random faces, and dragons. She turned the page to a fresh new sheet, and began to draw something else. As she finished the drawing, she realized that she had just drawn Ed. As a ferret. Naked. She blushed and dropped her pencil, appalled at herself for drawing something like that. She picked up the pencil again, and began to erase the drawing. But then she stopped, and drew the erased part again. _What am I doing?_ she thought, starting another drawing.

* * *

Quozl smirked at Ed. 

_"Awww, is the little Fullmetal midget horny?"_

_"I am not!"_

_"Oh really? I don't think the contents of your pants would agree__!"_

_"..!"_

_"That's what I thought!"_

_"Fuck off you sick bastard!" _Ed flipped off the perverted weasel._  
_

_"No." _Quozl flipped Ed off with all four feet.

"Shut. Up." Ed put his face in his hands.

_"Never. You know, the reviewers won't stand for this level of pervertedness for long."_

"Damn straight!" shouted Lyemi, hitting Quozl with a lobster.

_"Ow."_ Quozl rubbed his head.

"I have a headache. Too many stupid things are happening." Ed rubbed his forehead miserably.

* * *

Harriet ripped the page out of her notebook and hid it under her pillow. 

She sighed. "Glad to have that out of my system. From now on, no more drawing stuff like that. But now what? Maybe I should read a book. Why am I talking to myself? Because I have no life. That's right. Grrrr... I hate being all fidgety. Yeah, I think I should read a book. But what book should I read? Maybe I should read _The Golden Compass_ again. Or maybe _Kissing Doorknobs_. Or _Golem in the Gears_. (all very good books, but completely different genres) Aaaargh! I don't have any books in here that I haven't read! Maybe I should clean out the closet. No, I'm too lazy. Bleah. Besides, what am I supposed to do with the hundred-something books stacked in there?! They won't fit back on the shelves in the basement, but I've read every one of them! They keep piling up! Okay, okay, Harriet. Breathe. Breeeeaathe. Good. Breathe. Dammit, I'm still talking to myself! Oh! I know! I should feed the fish! And top off the water! Maybe do a water change! And rearrange some plants! Yeah! And test the water quality!"

Ed, having calmed down, emerged from the basement to see Harriet running back and forth from the bathroom to her room with a large blue bucket. "Um, what are you doing?"

"Water change! The nitrite is 0.01! I have to bring it down RIGHT AWAY!" She said this while still carrying the bucket back and forth.

"0.01 doesn't sound all that bad..."

"What makes you think that? I know that _any_ nitrite can be deadly to all fish. _I_ really did my homework before getting a fish tank, beleive me! What makes you think _you're_ some sort of expert? _You_ know _nothing_ about fish!"

"Well... um... I'm sorry... I just..."

Harriet set down the bucket. "I'm sorry, that was really mean. I just go really manic sometimes. I can't really help it. Maybe I'm crazy. Or just plain stupid." She fell sideways against the wall and slid to the floor.

Ed held out his hand to try to help her up, but Harriet shook her head. "Please stay back. I'm having crazy mood swings, and I don't want anyone to get hurt." She put her head on her knees. "I just want to curl up and die... Shit, I'm emo now. This sucks." Harriet suddenly stood up and angrily punched the wall "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! THIS GETS WORSE EVERY TIME!"

* * *

And that was chapter thirty-nine.

And yes, I _am_ prone to sudden episodes of rapid mood swings when I get stressed out. It scares the crap outta my friends if they're around.

Ed: ...are you ok?

Me: No.

Ed: Are you going to be ok after this?

Me: I don't know.

Ed: Um...

Me: (cries) PLEASE HELP ME! (clings to Ed)

Ed: Uh... There there? (pats my back)

Me: SHUT UP! (slaps Ed) Oh shit I'm so sorry...

Ed: ...

Me: (suddenly kisses Ed)

Ed: O.O

Ok, not as perverted as last chapter (I think O.-), but yeah.

Now to go watch Chobits!

Toodles!


	40. Well, I'm not Michael Jackson! and BANG

Wazzup, dudes?

**309** reviews! Incredible!

Okay, finally you get to find out where Roy's been all this time!

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

Now here's chapter forty!

* * *

Stomping through the thorn bush-infested underbrush of South Park, Roy Mustang was convinced that he should just burn the woods down to find the homunculi, but he knew that Hawkeye, just a few yards ahead of him, would put a bullet in his skull if he pulled a stunt like that. She had pointed out that this was a public park, and destroying it would call attention to them and cause a nationwide panic. 

Riza had a point there, even though they had been searching all night long. Oh well.

_What's up, dude?_

_Quozl! _thought Roy.

_None other!_

_What's going on?_

_Oh, not much. A few minutes ago Fullmetal was horny, though._

_What makes you think I want to hear that?!_

_Michael Jackson thought it was cool..._

"Well, I'm not Michael Jackson!" said Roy out loud.

Riza turned around. "What did you just say, sir?"

"Er... nothing."

"Okay then..."

_Well, anyways, Harriet is having crazy mood swings and Ed's just standing there._

_Any news on the homunculi?_

_That chipmunk is leading you the best it can._

_Then what's the point of talking to me now?_

_I'm bored._

_Well, go be bored somewhere else! I need to concentrate._

_Fine. You suck. Fuck you. Bye!_

Roy shook his head. "Crazy perverted ferret..."

Riza glared at him. "And you're talking, Mr. I'm-going-to-make-all-female-officers-wear-miniskirts!"

"But he's more perverted than I am! He just told me that Fullmetal-" He stopped.

"That Fullmetal what?"

"Nevermind. But it was very sick and perverted."

"No, tell me."

"But you'll shoot at me!"

"I won't shoot at you, as long as you tell me."

"Okay, okay. He said Fullmetal was horny."

BANG. BANG. BANG.

"YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T SHOOT AT ME!"

"Sir, I am under the impression you made that up."

"I SWEAR I DIDN'T!"

Riza sighed and put her gun back into its holster. "Men..."

Roy exhaled with releif. He did not intend to get shot in the head. ...Or somewhere else. O.O

* * *

"Just leave me alone for a while," said Harriet, running into her room and shutting the door. 

Ed reached for the doorknob.

_Are you deaf?_

_What do you want, Quozl?_

_When a girl says "leave me alone for a while," it really means "let me have a little time off and later we'll have hot s-"_

_I'm pretty sure that's not what she means..._

_My point is, if she says to leave her alone, then you should probably do what she says. Unless you want heavy objects thrown at your head, of course..._

_But-_

_Besides, you should never go into a girl's room unless they invite you in. And then-_

_You have a dirty, twisted mind._

_Nooooooo, really? Y'think?_

_But I can't just stand here! She's probably crying!_

_Dude, chicks like crying. It helps them feel better._

_That doesn't make sense._

_Rule number one: _nothing_ about females makes sense._

_What makes _you_ an expert?_

_ I can read minds, idiot._

_Oh._

* * *

_Well, the situation is under control._

Roy flinched.

_What situation are you talking about?_

_The one back here. I told Ed to just leave her alone and play DDR or something until Harriet comes out of her room._

_Should I care?_

_Not really, no. Bye!_

Roy suddenly ran face-first into a tree. A very feminine tree with huge breasts. Roy poked the breasts. "Hmmm... interesting."

Something sharp pressed into the back of his neck. "It would be a pity to kill you so soon, so don't move," said Lust, pulling Roy's face out of her chest.

* * *

And that... was chapter forty. 

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Ed: Um, why exactly is your hair wet?

Me: In gym class today we started swimming. And I forgot to bring a towel. And my hair froze. And now it's thawing.

Ed: Okaaaay...

Me: Moo.

Ed: What the?

Me: Moo.

Ed: Moo.

Me: Moo.

Ed: Moo. Why are we mooing again?

Me: Huh? Wuh? Oh. I dunno. Moo.

Ed: -,- Um... what now?

Me: Weeeeeeeeeeellllllll... (kisses Ed)

Ed: (: mmmmmm...

OMG yesterday my lil' bro rented that stupid show Cubix and I accidentally called it Chobits. O.o Three times. O.O At least. XP

Well, cut me some slack. They both involve robots. Except the robots in Cubix are gay and there's some weird little short guy that walks aound throwing fart gas at people. XD

Toodles!


	41. Riza Hawkeye?

Katamari damacyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

318 reviews now!

No, the robots in Cubix seriously are gay. The robot named Cubix and his human friend (both boys) seem to have some sort of a... relationship going on. O.o

Disclaimer: Poop. And I don't own fma.

Here's chapter forty-one.

* * *

Harriet lay on her bed in silence, staring blankly at the fish tank across the room. 

_Hmmm... pretty fishes. You little SOBs just get to swim around all day, eating, pooping, hiding, spawning... You brainless little things have no idea how lucky you are to just to simply exist, without any worries... Eh, whatever. I should probably get up and face the rest of the world again right about now._

She sighed, stood up, and walked to the door. Upon opening it, she was blasted with the sound of DDR.

* * *

I suddenly have an urge to take a break from writing and play DDR. O.o I think I shall go do just that.

* * *

Grrgh, stupid broken PS2... 

Anyways...

"Ed, are you playing DDR?" asked Harriet.

"Yeah. I finally did that tutorial thing."

"Mind if I bring out a second DDR mat?"

"Sure."

Harriet took another DDR mat out of the closet and hooked it up to the PS2. "What song should we do first?"

"I don't know the names of the songs..."

"Cutie Chaser it is then!"

Ed made a lot of mistakes, but it was better than the last time he had played DDR.

"Let's do a harder one, say... Love Again Tonight. I remember it took me like a zillion years to figure out that one."

"But that one's too hard..."

"Tough crap. It's amusing to watch you trip over your own feet and fall flat on your ass."

"... erm... Whatever. But after this one we do an easier one, right?"

"Oh, all right. I suppose we'll do Peace Out after this."

Surprisingly, Ed did not trip over his feet _or_ fall flat on his ass. He didn't do all that well, but he didn't do incredibly badly, either.

Sari suddenly poked Harriet's ankle. "They're heeeeeeere..."

Shari and Envy walked in through the front door.

"Miss us?" asked Shari.

"No, not really," said Harriet, starting the next and final song. "Ed, look alive. It's starting."

Ed would've gotten a pretty good score for that song if Magi and Al hadn't suddenly woken up.

* * *

Riza quickly got into the car and began to drive to Harriet's house, worrying the whole way. 

_This feels wrong, but what else can I do? Just shooting the homunculi will do no good, I need some sort of plan._

* * *

Sloth and Lust dragged a bound and gagged Roy Mustang into a huge thorn bush, and soon came to a small house. Wrath and Dante walked out throught he small door, and Wrath ran to Sloth and hugged her. "Mommy!" 

Dante snapped her fingers and Gluttony untied Roy's gag. Dante sneered. "So, Colonel Mustang is it, if you would be so kind as to tell us where you're hiding the girl, we can kill you quickly. If not... well... see for yourself," she said, motioning to Gluttony, who grabbed Roy's foot and held it a few inches away from his mouth.

* * *

As the game ended, Harriet turned to Shari and Envy. "So, what took you guys so long? It's been like four hours! Quozl said you would only take two!" 

Envy and Shari exchanged weird looks.

Harriet frowned. "You _didn't_..."

The two looked at the ceiling.

"You _did_."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, and Sari went to answer it. She opened the door. And shut it immediately.

Muffled swearing noises were faintly heard through the door, and Harriet walked over to open it again.

There in the doorway stood Leuitenant Riza Hawkeye.

* * *

And that was chapter forty-one. 

There is another hentai chapter coming up _very_ soon, and the next will be MUCH more descriptive. l:D

It will be posted as a second chapter in the seperate fanfic, Chapter Thirty Five and a Half!

And the rating will be changed to M. XD

Ed: What pairings?

Me: This time just me and you.

Ed: (gulps)

Toodles!


	42. Be Patient!

I LIKE PRETZEEEEELS!

Madeleine is GIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem.

328 reviews and counting!

This chapter is bound to be odd because I've been going from emo to insanely bubbly and giggly and then back to emo all day long. O.O

Btw, lately, Sari has been wearing a black trench coat on a daily basis. O.o

Disclaimer: BADGERS! don't own fma and neither do I. Waaaaaah!

Ed: (eats a popsicle)

I dub thee... Sir chapter forty-two!

* * *

"We have a situation! Roy has been captured by the homunculi!" said Riza drastically. 

"Shit," said Envy simply.

"Envy, you'll have to come with me. You're the best weapon we can use right now."

Envy shook his head. "I'm not going without Shari."

"Then she'll have to come with."

"Then we're coming too," said Al, hugging Magi.

"Us too," added Ed.

"And ME!" shouted Sari.

"Al, Magi, you two can come, but Sari should stay here. Same goes for Ed and Harriet."

"But whyyyyyyy?" whined Sari.

"Sweetie, this is a dangerous mission. You're too small."

"WHAAAAAT DID YOU SAAAAY?!" spazzed Sari. " "I'M NOT THAT SMALL! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Ssssh, don't throw a tantrum. I think it's time for your nap. Growing six-year-olds need their rest, you know."

Sari began to steam from the ears.

"But I don't get why _we_ can't come," said Harriet.

"Ed needs to stay here and keep you safe," said Riza. "I can't go into detail, but the military wants you safe and sound. So keep out of trouble, okay?"

Harriet sighed. "I guess so... But it's so BORING here!"

"I'm sure you'll think of something to do."

"Really?"

"Yes. Now, let's go!"

So, everyone but Ed and Harriet went out the door. (and oh yeah forgot to mention the rest of Harriet's family was out for the day)

Silence.

"Where's Sari?" said Harriet suddenly.

* * *

In the trunk of Riza's car, Sari was mumbling to herself. "I'll six-year-old you..!"

* * *

"Eh. She'll be fine." 

Silence.

"So... um... whaddayou wanna do?" said Harriet.

"I dunno."

"Talk?"

"Sure."

"Whaddaya wanna talk about?"

"I dunno."

Silence.

Harriet sighed. "Look, I'm really sorry about freaking out earlier. I've been trying hard not to, but I guess I wasn't trying hard enough. I'll try harder."

Silence.

"You know," said Ed suddenly, "You know a lot about my past just from watching that weird show, but I don't know all that much about your past."

Harriet leaned back and put her hand on her face. "Oh, you don't want to hear about that..."

"No, I do."

"Ok, fine. I was born in Illinois, then we moved to Tasmania, then we moved back to Illinois when I was three, then we moved to a different part of Illinois, then we moved here, ok I'm done any questions? No? Okay then. Case closed."

"No, I mean... What _happened_? Or have you done a whole lot of nothing for fourteen years?"

"It's a long story..."

"We _do_ have the time."

"Well, yeah... I guess so..."

"Well?"

"I don't really remember much before my first two friends...

They were (I can't spell her name -,-) and Kaitlin. When (I can't spell her name -,-) moved away, it was just me and Kaitlin against all the big kids in the neighborhood."

"The big kids?"

"Yeah. The big kids.

There were a bunch of jerks whose names I can't remember, then there was Kenny, and worst of all was John with his slutty girlfriend. Whenever we talked about them all, we simply called them 'The Big Kids."

Kenny delighted in conning me and my little brother out of toys and cards, and also in hitting us with his aluminum bat.

Most of the big kids simply bullied us; whether physically or verbally, they never failed to send us home crying. John was sort of their leader. I have no idea how old he was; all the big kids towered several feet over me.

One day, when I was about five or six, John had insulted my brother and me one time too many, so what did I do? I put on my bicicle helmet and charged him like a bull. That was one of the stupidest mistakes I have ever made in my life.

I head-butted him in the stomach several times and tried to punch him, but he held me back with one finger. He socked me in the stomache a few times and I fell down, but I got up again and kept trying. Somehow I managed to kick him in the nuts, and that's when he got tired of just standing there.

John grabbed me me by the wrists and spun around until I was lifted off the ground, and he threw me like an old rag doll.

When I landed, I was so dizzy and bruised that I couldn't move. All I could do was lie there and cry.

John laughed and spat on me. All the other big kids gathered around to laugh and started to kick me in the head. I tried to pretend I was knocked out or something, but I couldn't stop crying, and they wouldn't stop kicking."

"But... but how could they do that to you?! You were just a defenseless little girl!" said Ed, starting to get angry.

Harriet shrugged. "I didn't break any bones. I was just a little shook up."

"That's good, but what they did was just plain sick!"

"At least they didn't rape me or anything."

Silence.

"Hey, it wasn't all that bad all the time," insisted Harriet, attempting to be mroe cheerful. "I had some good times with my friends.

There were some bushes in the neighborhood that, in the spring, were covered in little yellow flowers. Me and my friends used to call them 'banana flowers' because they looked just like little banana peels. We'd pick little handfuls of them and put them in our hair, or take them home and put them in some water.

At other times, Kaitlin and I would look under rocks and stuff and we'd find baby snails the size of the head of a pin.

In the winter when it snowed, everyone took out their sleds and brought them to the tiny man-made hill in the middle of the neighborhood to sled on it. I remember I thought that the hill was enormous, but it was actually no more than three feet high.

I remember when Kaitlin taught me how to burp on purpose, and when she taught me how to whistle."

"Hmmm..."

"I'm sorry, I kept rambling on, didn't I? The readers are probably bored." Lyemi suddenly hit Harriet on the head with a lobster. "Ow... Hey! I know! We should watch Spirited Away!"

"What's that?" asked Ed.

"It's movie, silly. An anime movie made by Studio Ghibli."

"Oh. Ok. Whatever."

Harriet put the DVD in and started the movie.

As the previews started, Harriet squealed and clapped her hands, startling Ed.

Harriet cleared her throat. "Sorry..."

* * *

Riza's car arrived at South Park, and Riza, Magi, Al, Envy, and Shari got out and heard a pounding, yelling noise coming from the trunk. 

Riza sighed and opened the trunk and a bedraggled Sari sprawled out.

"...and THAT's all the stuff I'm going to shove up your ass!" she shouted dazedly.

Riza frowned sternly. "I _thought_ I told you to stay at the house! A possible battle is no place for a six-year-old kid!"

Sari made violent jabbing gestures with her fingers. "I AM THIRTEEN FRIGGIN' YEARS OLD! THIRTEEN! YOU GET THAT STRAIGHT, YOU BITCH! GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

BANG.

The strap on Sari's Naruto headband broke and it fell to the ground.

Sari stared at it and her eyes bugged out. "YOU! ARE! SO! DEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" Sari charged toward the irritated leuitenant, arms flailing crazily.

Riza pulled a straight jacket out from behind her back and fastened it onto Sari.

Sari wiggled and wiggled but could not break free of the straight jacket. "WHAT THE HELL?! ARE YOU GOING TO JUST _LEAVE_ ME HERE?"

Riza ignored her. "Magi, Al, keep an eye on Sari."

* * *

And that was chapter forty-two!

The thing about my past is actually true.

The hentai chapter will come right after the next chapter, so be patient!

Ed: O.o

Me: What's wrong? We've done it before...

Ed: But not with a description...

Me: That's not such a huge difference.

Ed: Yes it is...

Me: Shut up.

Ed: No.

Me: (kisses Ed)

Ed: (shuts up)

Toodles!


	43. SuperSeyan?

I got 15 reviews for last chapter! GO TEAM GO!

Ahem. (cough)

344 reviews!

Did you know that Sari even wears her trench coat to _church?!_

But never to school. O.o

There's some sort of progressive dinner thing going on with the church, and people will be here at my house any minute now.

We had to clean and clean and clean and clean and clean today, and now finally I get to use the compy!

Heh, I got to set the table, and I put plants in the middle as a centerpeice and it looks like a little mini jungle with a vase of flowers in the middle!

I put in an ivy, and an itsy-bitsy African violet, and a little fern, and a spider plant (a _very_ small one of course), and bamboo, and pink polka-dot plants, and a small snake plant, and yeah, I think that's it.

Oh, sounds like people are arriving now...

Yup! They're here! I hope they like how I arranged the plants! ( :

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Moo.

So, on to chapter fourty-three.

* * *

Ed quietly watched the movie with Harriet leaning her head on his shoulder.

* * *

Magi and Al suddenly began to make out. 

Sari focused her concentration on one thing. (how amazing! is that even possible?!)

_Blade of randomness, I summon you!_

There was a sudden flash of light, and a rubber chicken attatched to a belt floated in front of Sari's face. O.o

* * *

The movie ended. 

Silence.

"That was... bizarre but interesting," commented Ed.

"Wanna watch Nausicaa?" suggested Harriet.

Ed shrugged. "Sounds good."

* * *

I'm gonna go have dinner now.

* * *

Now I'm eating dessert. 

Munch munch. This squash pie is amazing! So delicious and creamy! It even has marshmallows melted onto it! This is the BEST pie I have ever had! (btw the pie was made by Magi and Sari's mom!)

Think pumpkin pie, but gooeyer and with mini marshmallows melted on top.

Munch munch munch. MMMMMMMMMM!

I'm going to go watch Chobits while I eat my slice of pie.

(mumbles Chobits theme song through mouthful of pie)

* * *

I just watched the last episode. 

27 episodes is too few! Waaaaaaaah!

But that was dang good pie.

So anyways, back to the fanfic.

* * *

So yeah, they finished watching Nausicaa. 

"Have you noticed that the main character in both movies is a girl?" said Ed.

Harriet shot him a death glare. "Yeah, I noticed. Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, but-"

"But what? What's wrong with girls, pray tell?"

"It just makes it kind of hard to relate to."

"Oh. I see. How about Princess Monanoke? The main character is a guy in that one. The movie's kind of bloody, though, and may be a little _too_ closely related to you in a way."

Silence.

"Um... what exactly do you mean by that?" asked Ed uneasily.

Harriet sighed. "Do you really want me to tell you?"

"Well, yeah."

"The main character's right arm is cursed, and throughout the movie he is trying to find a way lift the curse, though people tell him it's impossible."

Ed tensed up and looked at his right hand. His automail hand.

"I- I'm sorry," quavered Harriet. "Maybe we should watch something else..."

"No, let's watch it."

"Are you... sure?"

"Yeah. I can handle it."

* * *

The head of the rubber chicken detatched from the body, and, pulling out farther, revealed a long, slender blade that could not have fit inside of the tiny head by any law of physics. 

Sari focused on the sword, and it floated towards her and began to saw through the straight jacket.

Freed of the straight jacket, Sari stood up and fastened the belt around her waist, sheathing her sword so that it looked like a normal rubber chicken.

Even though I don't exactly consider rubber chickens to be a normal thing to have attatched to your belt, but whatever. Though, I would not be surprised if Sari wore one. O.o She is just that kind of person.

Sari pulled a black trench coat and a pair of sunglasses out of a secret pocket in her belt, and put them on, then picked up her Naruto head band and put it on because I, the wonderful writer, made it magically repaired. (:

Sari put her hands on her hips. "Let's blow this pop stand!" she exclaimed, walking past Magi and Al (a little preoccupied as you know ;D XD) into the woods.

* * *

The movie ended. 

Ed just sat and stared at the tv screen, in a daze.

Harriet waved her hand in front of his face. "Um, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Awkward silence.

"Good movie, huh?" said Ed quietly.

Harriet nodded. "Yep. Now what?"

* * *

Sari silently sneaked. Sheesh, she sure seems short! Heheh. Alliteration. 

"I'm not that short!" shouted Sari, flipping me off. So, I slapped Sari smartly. Yay! Anyhoo, on with the story.

Sari sneaked through the thorn bush, being so small that she could fit under even the lowest branches. Just kidding, Sari!

When she got to the center, she hid behind a conveniently placed boulder to wait for the perfect moment.

"Still won't talk? I guess you don't know when to quit, Roy. Gluttony! Again!"

Gluttony brought Roy's foot up to his mouth and licked it, slobbering messily.

Roy screamed with laughter. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO! NO! HAVE MERCY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEEEEEHHEEEEEE!"

"Will you tell us now?"

"N-never!"

"Gluttony! again!'

"AHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Sari jumped out from behind with her sword drawn, her hair blowing around super-seyan style. The Numa Numa song began to play, seeming to emenate from the blade. It was all very bizarre. O.o

Sari ran towards Gluttony and stabbed him in his big fat belly. Gluttony ran away crying.

Dante stared, in shock. _It's her!_

Riza jumped out of the bushes and, grabbing Roy, ran back out through the bushes as Sari continued to slice up the homunculi.

Sari, seeing that Roy had disappeared, ran out of thew giant thorn bush as well.

When she got out, she saw Roy and Riza kissing passionately.

Sari's jaw dropped in rage. "NO FAIR! YOU SUCK!"

* * *

And that was chapter forty-three!

The hentai chapter is next! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Me: (;

Ed: (:

Make sure to go to the fanfic "Chapter Thirty Five and a Half" for the hentai chapter. It will be the second chapter of the fanfic.

But, I'm going to Illinois for a week to see my extended family, so the hentai chapter won't be up for a while. ),:

Until then, toodles! I have to leave for Illinois now!

Toodles!


	44. Moop

MISS MEEEEE?! Lol.

Sorry I haven't updated in soooooo long... I've been side-tracked by random obsessions, deviantart, and an imaginary friend. I'm very sorry I've been procrastinating so much! ),:

O.o

Yes indeedy, I am insane.

Eh, I may as well introduce my imaginary friend. Say hello, Jay!

Jay: Hi! I like pickles.

Me: No you don't.

Jay: I know, I was just saying that. But seriously, I don't like food. At all. Except chocolate. Chocolate is good.

Me: Now, why don't you tell everyone what you _really_ like?

Jay: Well, I like to have s-

Me: Everything but that.

Jay: FIIIIIIINE. Well, I like climbing around on the ceiling, playing DDR, wearing spandex-like clothing, taking off said clothing, taking off Harriet's clothes and-

Me: Ahem...

Jay: What? You said _everything _else! I was just going to say that I like to sqeeze your b-

Me: Uh-huh-HEM!

Jay: Why do you keep interrupting me?!

Me: Anyways, I better start the chapter now.

Jay: Why do you keep _ignoring_ me?! ),:

Hmm, I think, for this chappie, I will write some good ol' ShariXEnvy fluff. (:

Btw, the hentai chapter has been postponed until further notice. ),:

Jay: Hentai is good. P:

Me: It is. But I really need to write this chapter now.

Jay: Awww... b-but hentai is more _fun_.

Me: Jay, you're scaring the nice reviewers.

Jay: Your point is..?

Me: ...

I'm starting the forty-forth chapter now. -,-'

* * *

"So, why are we standing here again?" asked Shari. 

"I told you twice already," said Envy irritatedly. "We need to wait here until Quozl tells me they need backup."

"Oh. Right."

_"Hey, peeps! Turns out we didn't need your help, 'cause Sari has a rubber chicken."_

Shari blinked._ "Quozl, are you drunk?"_

_"Nope."_

Envy frowned. _"You can't be serious."_

_"Oh, but I am. Oh, by the way, thought you two might want to know: Envy has a soul."_

"WHAT?!" shouted Envy in shock.

_"You have a soul, numbskull."_

Envy slumped to the ground like a giant rag doll, dumbfunded.

Shari ran up to him. "Envy! Are you okay?!"

"Absolutely," said Envy, and with that, he stood up and kissed her.

As the two began to chew eachother's faces off, the homunculi walked by.

"Well, that's certainly interesting," announced Greed.

"Aha," said Lust, ignoring Greed's comment. "So the traitor has a weakness..."

* * *

And that was chapter fourty-four. 

Sorry it was so short! ),:

Anyways, just in case it didn't quite register in your mind yet, the hentai chapter has been postponed until further notice. ):

Jay: Hey, I can help you think up _positions_ for the hentai chapter! (;D)

Me: Oh, good ide-! _hey, wait a minute_... O.o;

Jay: _You know you want to_...

Erm...

Toodles!


	45. Wave Pool

365 reviews! (:

Hooray for fudge. (: 

Jay: And hooray for f-

Me: Don't go there.

Jay: Go where?

Me: -,-;

Yah, anyways, I'm gonna try and write a longer chapter this time.

ARGH! NOOOO! MINI WRITER'S BLOCK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Moop.

Jay: -censored-

Me: O.O O.o o.O -.o; DX

Jay: (; P:

Me: Heheh. Attack of the smilies. XD

Jay: FTW?!

Me: MUNKEEZ! XD... ... ... ... It's late... I should probably go to bed now. -,-'

Jay: _Yesssss..._

Me: O.o;...

Mmkay, I'm awake now. And slightly more sane.

Jay: Wooooo! I scare people! (:

Me: Yah. Anyways...

I think I'll write chapter forty-five now.

* * *

So, yah... Magi, Sari, Roy, and Riza went to Magi and Sari's house, and Shari and Envy went to Shari's house. Then everyone went to bed, and it's morning now. Yah. 

Why do I keep saying "yah?" Oh well. Whatever. Go screw a lightbulb. Haha. I'm funny. Go screw a lightbulb, y'see, y'know, you would normally screw a lightbulb into a light fixture, so go screw a lightbulb, y'see... makes sense... uh... I made a funny. Yah.

Y'know what, just ignore that... -,-'

So anyhoo, Magi and Sari's mom is taking everyone to the wave pool. And they're all in the car. And that really sucks. And I'm too lazy to write them all getting in the car. They're just there, okay?

"Lazy!" yelled Sari. Lyemi then bopped her on the head with her fourth wall lobster of doom. Doom, I tell you, DOOM!

Ahem.

"So," said Mrs. Smith (Magi and Sari's mom), "Are you guys all ready for the first day of school tomorrow?"

"TOMORROW?!" spluttered Edward, who would've fallen out of his seat if it weren't for his seat belt.

"Well, yeah. That's why we're going to the pool. It's the last day of summer vacation."

Ed groaned. "Why am _I_ always the last to know what's going on?!"

Harriet scratched her chin. "Becau- erm... Actually, I dunno. Maybe because it's funny?"

"Ha, ha, ha. Hilarious," mumbled Edward sarcastically.

And so, they arrived at the wave pool. For those of you that have never been to / heard of a wave pool, a wave pool is a pool with a wave generator. This particular wave pool also rents tubes that you can ride in the pool (very fun when the waves start, beleive me! These aren't just little ripples, you know), and the wave generator starts up about every 15 minutes and a wave cycle lasts for 5 minutes (wow, this sounds sort of like an advertisement! It's not meant to be, though; it's just background information). Anyhoo, it's really fun.

They rented a tube for Edward, considering he can't swim. Haha. Moop. (remind me not to eat any more candy! Damn Valentine's Day... XD)

Magi suddenly frowned. "Harriet, Ed, stand still for a minute!" Magi frowned again and held up her hands a few feet apart in front of Ed, then moved her hands over to Harriet without changing the distance between her hands. "Thought so."

Harriet frowned. "Thought so, what?"

"You guys have the same size shoulders! Isn't that cool?!" said Magi cheerfully.

"Are you saying I have _guy_ shoulders?!" said Harriet at the exact same time as Ed said "Are you saying I have _girl_ shoulders?!"

"Yes!" beamed Magi like an idiot. And was immediately flipped off.

* * *

And that was chapter forty-five. 

In other words, I'm too lazy and insane to write more this chapter. P:

Jay: So, now that you're done typing... (;

Me: Later.

Jay: Woohoo! dances

Toodles!


	46. WTF!

I am UPDATING! (:

Jay: Says who?

Me: Says me.

Jay: ... Yeah, well... _your mom!_

Me: ... -,-' Um, yeah... You seem a little cranky today.

Jay: Well, whaddya expect?! Magi _touched_ me! The _nerve!_

Me: She didn't know any better; her imaginary friend doesn't mind being touched by other people, after all.

Jay: Dude, she grabbed my shirt and messed up my hair! )Xl

Me: Do I look like a "dude" to you?

Jay: I should hope not! XD

Me: XD

Jay: P;

Me: XD!!!

Jay: (:D

Me: XD!!!!!

Jay: But anyways... Magi's a meanie!

Me: She's not a meanie.

Jay: Yes she is.

Me: No she isn't.

Jay: Yes she is.

Me: No she isn't.

Jay: Yes she is.

Me: No she isn't.

Jay: Yes she is!

Me: No she isn't!

Jay: ),:

Me: Look, she said she was sorry!

Jay: Yeah, I guess she did...

Me: She was just being... social. She really didn't know it would bother you.

Jay: Sigh. All right. I forgive her. I guess. As long as it doesn't happen again.

Me: (:

Okay, I should probably start writing chapter forty-six now. DX

* * *

Just then, the waves started. 

"Woohoo!" shouted Harriet, dragging Ed in his tube to the nearest wave. She pushed him right into the middle of it.

Before Edward had time to say "WTF?!" he was going really fast toward the edge of the pool. He vaguely noticed running into three people on the way. XD

Harriet dove into another wave and soon was near the edge of the pool also.

I like the waves at the wave pool. I've never swam in the ocean, and I've heard the waves there are a lot better, but I wouldn't know... ):

"What... the... HELL?!!!" shouted Ed. "Were you trying to KILL me?!"

"No," said Harriet simply.

"..!"

"But wasn't it fun?"

"..."

"C'mon, y'have to admit it was fun."

"I guess so."

* * *

Please excuse the interruption, I have a mini-writer's block again and intend to keep you entertained. 

Jay: Hey, y'know those new fish you got the other day?

Me: The kribensis cichlids?

Jay: Yeah.

Me: What about them?

Jay: They're doing naughty things together. XD

Me: Yah. I know. Cichlids do that.

Jay: People do that too. (;

Me: O.-' (nosebleeds)

* * *

So, they all had fun at the pool, yadda yadda yadda... 

Hey, let's look at some snapshots because I'm too lazy to write them happening :D!

Hmmm, let's see...

A photo of Ed completely wiping out in his tube. Man, the look on his face... XD!

A photo of Magi poking the water. WTF?!

A photo of Sari glomping Roy... underwater. XD!!!

A photo of Envy sunbathing, with several people looking at his hair and wondering when the wave pool got a palm tree. XD.

Sari again, attempting to pants Roy. XD

Riza's face when she realized that she is not carrying a gun in her swimsuit. Priceless. XD!

Sari holding up Roy's swim trunks triumphantly. That was way more of Roy than I _EVER_ needed to see. DX!!!

* * *

Just then, a strange-looking blonde man with trangular tattoos under each eye tapped Ed on the shoulder. "Hey shrimpo," he said in a familiar voice. 

Ed whirled around. "Quozl?!"

"None other," said the man, grinning and showing off slightly pointed teeth.

"B- wuh- guh- WTF QUOZL?!" stuttered Ed.

"Magic," stated Quozl matter-of-factly. "Bacchus is here, too."

A brown-haired and slightly chubby guy wearing goggles and flippers floated over. "'Sup?"

"So," said Ed, "Well... why?!"

"Why not?" said Quozl, shrugging. "Can't ferrets have a little fun too?" He leaned over to whisper in Ed's ear. "And I get to see Chink in a bikini."

"I heard that!" said a ridiculously skinny woman, slapping Quozl.

* * *

And that was chapter forty-six.

For anyone who's wondering what I look like, I put up a picture of me on Deviantart. My deviant name is ObeyTheSnarf, just like here. (:

Also, there is one picture of Bacchus and Quozl on a valentine card. XD

My new kribensis cichlids laid eggs! WOOT! (:

Jay: Cichlids make me horny. P;

Me: O.o'

Well...

Toodles! (:


	47. Alarm Clock

382 reviews! Amazing! l:D

No, I'm not dead.

Since I'm so far behind, I've decided to wrap up this fanfic and do a time skip and make a sequel. Before I do that, I'm going to put up a few more chapters in this fanfic, including the first day of school.

And there will be no more EdXHarriet hentai.

So... yeah. -.-;

Chapter forty-seven, here I come!

* * *

"But... why the hell are you here?!!" repeated Edward. 

"Are you deaf? Because it's fun," mocked Quozl. "And watch your language."

"D'awww, Quozie!" squealed Harriet, glomping Quozl and causing several people to stare. "Eesha cute wittle fuzzy wuzzum!"

"WTF?" said Ed.

"FTW?" countered Quozl.

"Barbecue seasoning!" shouted Skyler.

Silence.

Sari frowned. "Skyler, why the hell are _you _here?"

Skyler shrugged. "Dunno."

(in case nobody remembers, Skyler is my little brother)

"There are too many characters!" shouted Sari, who was promptly bopped with a lobster.

Wow. This isn't going anywhere. Skip ahead to tomorrow morning. -,-;

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Harriet rubbed her eyes.

_Where am I? What am I? Who am I? What the hell is that noise?! How do I make it stop? What the hell is that thing, anyways? I don't like it. Maybe if I poke this thing the noise will stop. Ooh, goodie! No more noise!_

9 minutes later...

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

_Ooh, the number went up! Is that a good thing? Yes. More number is good. Right? Heh. Happy number. What the hell is that noise? Is that even a noise, or is it my head ringing? I'm gonna poke the number-thing again... Good. It stopped._

9 minutes later (again)

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

_I hate that thing. I think it's making the noise. Screw the happy numbers, that thing is from hell. ... Hi, how are you? Fine, I guess, how 'bout you? Good. Wait... who are you? Oh, I dunno. Oh, I see. Me neither. Haha. Dang. I need to go to the bathroom. Should we get up? No, you go by yourself, I'm too tired. But there's only one of us; we both have to get up. Oh. Well, screw that. Press the button. Yes. Sleep more. Make numbers go up. What numbers? The happy numbers, duh. Oh. ... That doesn't make sense. I know. Too bad. Press button. More sleep._

9 minutes later (again) (AGAIN.)

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

_Wait... that's my alarm clock, isn't it? Yes it is. I told you we should get up. Shut up. You can't tell me to shut up. Oh yes I can. Well... nyeah. Who are you, anyways? Schizophrenia, stupid. Well isn't that just great. Yep, we're crazy. So what else is new? ... I hate the fucking alarm clock. I need to go to the bathroom. FUCK. It's 5:27. I like monkeys. Wait... no I don't. Monkeys are creepy and gross. HEY! FO-CUS! Why is it 5:27- oh wait, it's 5:28 now. Oh. Damn. School. High school? First day? Ninth grade? FUCK. Get ready. Wake up. Food. Shower. Clothes... LUNCH! And I need to... wake up Edward! Shit! I said I'd wake him up at five! SHIT. Okay, now get up. But I don't wanna! Get. Up. No! GET. UP. NOW. BUT I DOOOON'T WAAAAAANNNNAAAAA! Shut your pie hole and get the fuck up. Hey, what are you two talking about? Hey, who the hell invited you?! Your mom. ... No. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!_

Harriet's musings were interrupted by a knock.

"Hey, Harriet! I thought you were gonna get up at five!" said Edward.

* * *

And that was chapter forty-seven. 

Yes, that's really what goes on in my head in the morning before school. I swear I set that thing for five, but I usually end up getting up after six.

I'll do the first day of school next chapter, I promise!

Well, toodles!


	48. BARK!

386 reviews! O.O!

Well, on with the chapter. (:

Chaptuh forty-eight.

* * *

Harriet struggled into a pair of new pants, cursing under her breath everything from pants to school to George W. Bush. 

"Why the hell does everything suck so much?!" she muttered after tripping on the pants and falling over onto the floor of her messy room.

I'm not much of a morning person. At least, I didn't used to be, until... well, I'll save that for the sequel. (;

Fifteen minutes later, Harriet was walking out to the bus stop with Edward and Al, a peice of toast in her mouth and frantically brushing her hair.

"Damn, damn, damn," she mumbled, though it came out more like "Drrrm drrm drrm," due to the soggy toast.

"Are you okay?" said Ed, reaching his hand out to put it on her shoulder.

Harriet barked, and Ed withdrew his hand quickly.

"Ah, I- I'm sorry," said Ed, taken aback, "Did you just _bark?_"

"Probably," grumbled Harriet drowsily. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..."

"Erm... okaaay..." said Edward quietly, spacing his walking a few more feet away from her.

"Brother, what's wrong?" asked Al, wide-eyed. "Why did Harriet make that noise?"

* * *

Meanwhile... 

Shari mumbled drowsily as Corky jumped on the bed and licked her face.

_Didn't work..._

Another Corky plodded into the room and jumped on the bed. This time, though, it turned into Envy and _also_ licked her face.

This gave Shari quite a start.

"WTF ENVY? WHAT THE HELL?!"

Envy rolled his eyes and pointed at the clock.

She rolled over and looked at the clock, then groaned and sat up.

"School..."

* * *

Meanwhile (again)... 

"But I don wan geddup!" yelled Sari into her pillow.

"Shut up!" mumbled Magi. "Nobody said anything!"

"I knoooooow... but I STILL don wan geddup!"

"Y'know what?" said Magi.

"What?"

"Shaddawp!"

"Snarf. Myeh," said Sari, sticking out her tongue.

Then, Roy and Riza walked into the room, Riza looking fully alert and already wearing her uniform, and Roy in pink power ranger pajamas and armadillo slippers (they exist, I swear!), dragging said slippers across the floor and rubbing his eyes adorably.

"Up n' at 'em, girls!" barked Riza militarishly. (dude, is that a word? O.o)

"Why did you bring _me_ up here?" yawned Roy sleepily.

Sari immediately lifted her face from her pillow. "ROOOOOOOOYYY!" she cried, glomping him instantly. "I was just _dreaming_ about yooooooou! SQUEEE!"

"Right-o," said Riza, lifting a small gun to her shoulder. "One down, one to go."

* * *

Blah blah blah, everyone's at school... 

Everyone but Roy, Riza, and Sari (who were at the middle school) met in the hallway of building one and paired off, if they hadn't already.

Which I guess means Magi and Al paired off, 'cause everyone else was already with their body guard.

And then they all went to homeroom.

"Harriet! Edo!" squealed Julia from her seat. "We're in the same homeroom!"

After a few minutes, Harriet and Julia had compared schedules. They had Honors Biology and Honors Science 9 at the same times.

Meanwhile, Ed was having a little (Ed: HEY!) trouble with another student.

"Hey, baby," said the guy behind Ed, raising his eyebrows. "How about you and me, Friday night?"

"WHAT?!" said Edward turning around in his seat.

"Oh..." said the guy, shrinking back in his seat. "Sorry, dude. I didn't know you were a dude." (Yeah, I know, nobody actually talks like this... X(...)

Ed purpled.

"See, it was the hair, and you look kinda... small for a guy."

"SAY THAT AGAIN!" yelled Edward, picking up the unfortunate idiot by his shirt.

"ICE!" yelled the teacher.

"Ice? What does she mean, 'ice?!'" said Ed, confused.

"In school suspension," clarified Julia. "Sorry, Edo-kun."

The teacher handed Edward a slip of paper. "This is for tomorrow, mister Elric," she said slowly. Ed decided he did not like his homeroom teacher. Even though it's not really her fault...

* * *

And that was chapter forty-eight.

Finishing up the first day of school next chapter.

Toodles! (:


	49. School Sucks

390 reviews. WHOAH!

So, watsup?

I like pie.

Moooooooooooooo.

Yeah.

Chapter forty-nine.

* * *

"_Dissecting?!_ Why the hell would I want to get animal guts all over my hands just to learn something I already know?!" 

"Sit down, mister Elric. Besides, we won't be dissecting until the end of the school year," said the biology teacher quietly.

"Ed..." whined Harriet. "Don't do anything stupid!"

"I'm not doing anything stupid! It's everyone around me that's stupid!"

"Mister Elric, do you need some time to cool down in time-out?! I'm reluctant to do this the first day of class, but if you continue to disrupt my class, I will be left with little choice."

"Time-out?! What am I, a little kid?!"

"Apparently so. This is your last warning, Edward."

"What would _I_ care about warnings?!!"

The teacher sighed and filled out a time-out slip.

Harriet raised her hand. "Excuse me... umm..."

"Yes, Harriet, I read the note. I sincerely apologize, but you'll have to go with Edward."

* * *

"Roy is secretly my pet eskimo, but he's in disguise," whispered Sari. 

"Why are you telling ME this?" asked Roy irritably.

"Just practicing," said Sari. She leaned over to a random kid.

Roy heard her whisper something about a pet eskimo. The kid nodded beleivingly.

"See?" said Sari.

Sari leaned over towards another kid to whisper the message again.

* * *

In the timeout room, Harriet began to explain how one is supposed to behave at school.

* * *

-P.E.- 

"Now, we'll be taking the first part of the fitness test: pull-ups," said the P.E. teacher drowsily.

Harriet groaned, hoping she could at least do a flexed arm hang this time.

She went first to get it over with.

"Okay, I can do this..." Harriet mumbled, then attempted to pull herself up to the bar. And failed to. Miserably.

The teacher sighed and got a chair for her to stand on. Harriet grabbed to bar again and pulled herself up.

The teacher pulled the chair out, and Harriet promptly dropped to the floor. The teacher shook her head and wrote a zero on a piece of paper.

Harriet went back to her seat, head down, making eye contact with noone.

Edward went next.

Confidently, he flexed his arms, walked up to the second bar, and-

"Use the lowest one, Elric. You're too short, honey," suggested the teacher.

"What did you say?!" said Ed, but did nothing.

"You're too short. You need to use a lower bar."

Edward grimaced, but walked up to the low bar anyways and began to do pull-ups. And didn't stop.

The class oohed and aahed, and several girls whistled or made suggestive remarks.

And Ed beamed, clearly enjoying the attention.

Harriet crossed her arms and put her head on her knees.

* * *

"Whoa, my arms are kinda tired," muttered Edward, speedwalking to class with Harriet. 

"How could you do pullups for the duration of the ENTIRE CLASS??!" grumbled Harriet.

"Yeah, I know," said Edward, "I would've kept going if it weren't for that stupid bell."

* * *

-mmkay, Sari is at lunch- 

"Hey, you, dude," whispered the kid sitting next to Roy. "Are you really an eskimo?"

Roy purpled. "I AM NOT A FUCKING ESKIMO!"

* * *

During lunch at teh high school... 

"So, how's it been for you two?" asked Shari.

Harriet grimaced grumpily. "Chibi taco baka here opened his BIG TRAP and got ice, THEN mouthed off to the bio teacher and got a time-out. And then he HAD to show off in gym class!!! How d'you think we've been?!"

Edward made a mental note to add "chibi" to hislist of most hated words. "I'm right here..."

Shari waved her hands defensively. "Hey, hey, don't yell at me! It was just a question. Geez. What about you two?"

Magi blushed.

"Errr, we got in trouble for making out between classes..." said Al quietly. "Well, what about you and Env- I mean Ryan?"

Shari shrugged. "Normal school stuff."

"I'm going to join student council," piped up Ryan.

"I see."

* * *

On the bus ride home, Harriet wouldn't even look at Edward, and Edward just sat there and looked hurt.

* * *

And that was chapter forty-nine. 

One more chapter, then the sequel!

Toodles!


	50. The Fight

Whoa! 394 reviews!

Corn totally pwns. XD

Yeah.

Chaptuh fifty peeps!

* * *

Harriet stormed into the house ahead of Edward, fuming silently. 

"What's with the attitude?!" demanded Ed.

"Ssh, brother-" interjected Al.

"Al, she has no right to-!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Harriet.

"WHAT DID I DO?!" bellowed Edward.

"YOU'RE SUCH A JERK!" yelled Harriet.

"Stop fighting, guys!!!" interjected Al frantically.

"I CAN'T BELEIVE I LET YOU FUCK ME!" continued Harriet, turning redder.

"_LET_ ME?! IT WAS YOUR IDEA!" countered Edward, making exaggerated hand movements.

"Stop it, you two!"

"STAY OUT OF THIS, AL!"

"But brother-"

"STAY OUT OF IT!" Ed turned back to Harriet. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"... you JERK..." Harriet stomped to her room.

"Smoooooth," murmured Al.

"Shut up," grumbled Ed.

* * *

Harriet sat on her bed, legs pulled up to her chest, rocking back and forth. 

"He's such a jerk..." mumbled Harriet. "He doesn't care... he doesn't care... nobody cares... they're all jerks... all of them... leave me alone... they're just so... they're jerks... they can all fuck themselves, what do I care... go away... leave me alone!!! nobody cares... nobody cares... nobody gives a shit... not one person... all stupid assholes... nobody cares... I'm alone..."

_"I care..."_

* * *

And that was chapter fifty. 

Bwahaha! Mysterious voice! XD

And I ask my friends not to give away who it is, 'kay? (:

The title of the sequel will be "Jaybird," so keep an eye out for it! (:

Well, toodles!


	51. Go Read the Sequel!

Thank you for 400 reviews!

The sequel is now up, and the title is "Jaybird."

And I shall give you a little peek of it!

* * *

_"You're just _giving_ her that glimpse of the _Truth_?!"_

_"Of course not. She will pay. That is where _you_ come in."_

_"What?"_

_"She will pay with her sanity. It's your job to make sure of that."_

_"Ah, of course. I will not fail."_

* * *

Now go read it!!!!

Toodles!


	52. Big Time Skip

Ok, it's been a while. A long while. As in, over 3 years.

I apologize. These will be the last two chapters of this series, and will be posted in both Bald Eagle and Jaybird.

A lot has happened since the last chapter.

The details mentioned about the non-FMA characters in this chapter are true, aside from obvious things like the idea that the ferrets can talk.

* * *

Gravel was pulled up from the ground and was sucked in as the portal opened, shining alchemic circle patterns on the walls of the old barn. Swallows fled their perches in the rafters, chirping loudly as they departed.

Harriet stood, arms crossed, watching the boys, plus Riza, who had spent four years in her world prepare to leave forever. Her red-dyed, buzz-cut hair rippled in the strange wind as she forced the tears from welling up in her eyes.

Bacchus, Quozl, and Fujiko (formerly known as "Chink") cuddled in a pile a safe distance away.

Fujiko sniffled. "I wish Zuzu was still here to say goodbye to them too," she whispered tearfully.

Quozl licked her ear comfortingly. "I'm sure your little sister is watching us all from heaven. I bet she's smiling now, too."

"Yeah." Fujiko brightened up a bit. "I think you're right."

Quozl smiled a bittersweet smile, thinking of his own impending death. He was already nearly eight years old, old indeed for a ferret, and he had been showing signs of adrenal disease for at least a year now. Even comparatively young Fujiko had been diagnosed with the disease, but she was being treated with implants to slow the growth of the tumor, and was a good candidate for surgery whenever the money was available.

Fujiko was no longer as young as she used to be, in fact, she was a year or so from entering middle age, but to Quozl she seemed as playful and spry as the day he met her. She still had so much energy, but Quozl was prevented from active play by his arthritis and could only watch her play with Bacchus, who, despite his age, was still fairly healthy.

Zuzu had been taken away from them prematurely at the young age of three by complications of a gastrointestinal ulcer.

* * *

Al stared silently into the crumbling floor.

"I'm so sorry Magi couldn't be here, Al," Harriet murmured, giving him a hug. "Believe me, if she could, she would go with you, but I think it's best that she and Sari stay in their new home in Arizona. She'll move on, and you need to, too." She smiled and ruffled his hair. "Find a nice girl in your world and marry her."

Harriet turned to Roy, who was a few feet away. "Sari misses you!" she called.

"Well, I don't miss her!" snapped Roy. Riza squeezed his arm meaningfully.

"I wish you all luck in your world," Harriet said, smiling sadly.

"Wait, you're not coming with us?" shouted Edward.

"Nope."

"Why?" he demanded, stomping angrily over to her.

"I can't," she whispered, closing her eyes.

"But I… I don't understand!" Ed stammered.

"I'm in college, Edward."

"You could drop out, go to school in my world!"

"I have to become a herpetologist, here in my world. I want to do some good for my own world, saving the snakes and salamanders and lizards... I can't help my world if I'm in yours. You know you won't be able to come back."

"Please, I know you can help my world too!" Edward cried.

"And I need my bipolar meds!"

"We can find something!" he barked desperately. "We can find you medicine and you can save the lizards and we can get married and have kids!"

"Edward, I'm gay."

* * *

Dun dun duuuun…


	53. The End!

Here it is, the very last chapter.

* * *

"You're WHAT?" gaped Edward.

"I'm gay," Harriet repeated.

"But what about the time we-"

"That was high school. I was confused and unmedicated," she sighed. "I'm so sorry, Edward."

He took a step backward, shaking. "Damn you, stupid d**e! How could you? How could you lead me on like that?"

"I was confused! I'm sorry, Ed. I only love women."

"Please, I don't-"

"You can live without me, Edward. Find Winry. Propose to her. You two are perfect together."

The corner of Ed's mouth raised a little. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, good luck with the lizards and the women, then."

"You too, Ed."

"Ed, let's go! We have to go before the portal closes! Get Harriet and come on!" shouted Al over the sound of the barn being pulled apart.

"She isn't coming!" Ed shouted back.

"What? Why?"

"She's a lesbian!"

"Called it," Riza whispered to Roy. "You owe me a date."

* * *

The end. 3

In case you were wondering about him, Jay has since become my artistic muse. We are no longer intimate, and he has some interesting ideas to share.

I may come back to some day to write other fanfictions, but don't expect it to be soon.

Oh yeah, and I'm 18 now so it won't be as weird/slightly illegal if I ever write more lemons.

Thank you everyone for the support I've received during the making of these fanfics! It means a lot to me!

This is ObeyTheSnarf, signing off. So long, everyone! ;)


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